Hi there, I am new here.
I don't really know where to start, I am exhausted. Yesterday I (28) found out my boyfriend of 18 months (33) has a gambling problem. We are in the process of moving in together and had spoken about marriage and children in the next few years.
I am so scared.
I had a worried feeling in the pit of my stomach after a comment I made about gambling companies and slots which got an unexpected response. I then went onto his emails and found pages and pages and pages of PayPal receipts, showing thousands of pounds deposited with various gambling companies. I told him what I had found, he denied it at first before admitting he had spiralled in the last 6 months. Our finances are currently separate, he is a high earner and so far it hasn't transpired he is in major debt. He maintains its all been 'affordable' given his high income. I told him that just because a drug addict can afford their drugs, it doesn't mean they aren't an addict.
I feel like my world shattered in an instant. I am so upset by the deceit and dishonesty, I am concerned how bad it would have got had I not found out. I am worried about what the future holds. I will standby him and support him, I just feel so alone.
Hi Sunflower,
Welcome to the GamCare forum and thank you for sharing your experience.
I can imagine how difficult it must be for you at this time with your recent revelation about your partner's hidden problem gambling behaviour when you are both making plans for your futures.
When finding out about your partner's gambling it can cause worry, anxiety, mis-trust and isolation but there is support available to you via our service which will provide you with one to one individual confidential support to discuss and explore the impact of your partner's gambling on you.
Also, having separate finances will hopefully reduce some of your concerns around the 'what ifs' which is common to question at this current time.
I have included the link below:
What support do we provide? - GamCare
You can also make a self referral via the 24 hour National Helpline on 0808 802 0133 and speak with an Advisor that can take a referral for the service in your locality. Your partner can also refer himself for support via the helpline.
Please speak with your G.P. should your health become impacted in any way and there are positive outcomes that can come from someone's problem gambling behaviour.
I wish you all the best for the future.
Forum Admin
Hi sunflower it’s very shocking to discover a gambling problem. My husband was a high earner, thought he could afford it! Now you know you need to keep your finances safe, keep everything separate. In my experience it made him more secretive. He had accounts I couldn’t see. Luckily his money came to me and I paid everything, he would gamble loans in bank accounts he’d kept open and secret. Things are different now in the financial world. I do know it’s more difficult to get loans and mortgage with gambling transactions on record. He needs to actively address the problem. It will get worse if it continues. For yourself I would find out as much as possible about gambling. Don’t spy on him, you know he’s a gambler and you can’t be responsible for his actions. Meetings saved me. It was a dark time and I had no idea what he was capable of. I needed to look at what I was doing. No financial help or repayment of loans. This stops the credit availability.
Hi
It is painful and a shock to know that you have been betrayed by his lies and deceptions.
There are rooms for partners or people who have been caused lts of pains by the person they loved.
If you want to stay with this person then be prepared for finding out more about this person.
The addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping emotionally when I could not cope with life people and situations.
He is not willing or able to be honest with him self or to you.
The recovery program will help him find amuch healthier way in his life.
The recovery program will help him heal his pains and tono longer want or need to gamble any more.
My wife wanted me to be honest with her about every thing.
But I could only be honest a day at a time about not gambling..
In time pains were healed.
The pains of my past caused fears in me that I did not understand.
In time I learned to love and respect my self.
In time I learned to open up mor eand find a path to heal the hurt inner child in me.
Give him the support you can with or with out him.
But please heal from the paisn of being betrayed.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
thanks for your replies and the helpful advice, particularly re keeping my finances separate. I do worry re the separation and it being easier for things to be hidden as you said merry-go-round. We are not married so I am not sure I can manage his finances for him and I don't want to feel like his bank manager, though I understand that often that is the only way forward.
I think the biggest thing right now is the fear and feeling alone, I was physically sick this morning from the dread and stress, so I will make sure I build some support for myself too - I'll do a referral for me in the coming days and I am going to encourage him to call tonight. I think a part of it is I don't know where to begin, I have some experience of addiction (friends/family) so have insight into it being an illness driven by underlying emotional distress and so its not about 'fault' etc, although it has always been quite distant and never this close to home. I don't know anyone else in my life who gambles (that I know of at least) so I think I will find a lot of support in this community. I will research as much as I can so I can be the best support, but I know ultimately it will be up to him and I just hope he can get through this.
@gadaveuk thank you for sharing your story and advice, it means a lot
Hi, I am in a very similar situation. My partner of 6 years is a compulsive gambler and liar. The trust has completely gone. The anxiety has made me unwell. It’s so hard when you are really in love.
How are you doing now? Any update?
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