New Member Needing To Just Talk

Hi the other half and lj_25

I understand your pain ladies. I can't really add any thing more as the lovely people on here give great advise. I'm on here all the time! All I can say is I'm still reeling from the fallout and I've known for months now. Just keep talking on here if it helps especially when you're feeling lonely. We can all gain strength from each other.

Hi odaat,

It probably was too long but hey hoo lol. Looks like I can't get to the Gam Anon groups, closest one is over an hour away and starts at 7.30pm and I don't finish work till 7.00pm plus then there is the childcare thing too. So looks like you will all have to put up with me a little longer...

Hi Katiecola,

I have read some of your things, was feeling like I would be like you at the gam anon meetings, the only one without their partner in the next room, but seen as I can't make it to them that's now not going to happen.

When did life become such a mess ehh?!?

Hi The Other Half

Coming to this forum is one of the best things I have ever done, I honeslty think its kept me sane I felt in avery low state and didnt think I would ever feel any better. I was recommened to get counselling for myself but thought giving my circumstances I wouldnt be able to do commit to it.

I have health problems which would make either going to a meeting or seeing a counsellor every week next to impossible, I was asked to commit to an hourly appointment once a week for 24 weeks I couldnt do that, but I knew I couldnt keep going the way I was I felt close to breaking point.

My son is a compulsive gambler and he isnt in our lives at the moment and we dont have any kind of relationship with him, Ive no idea if or when that will change. I got so low I was struggling to function and cried all the time, couldnt see me ever feeling any better and after one particularly bad day, - abusive texts from him - I thought what have I got to lose so I picked up the phone to gamcare. I told them about my circumstances and I got put in contact with a counsellor to see what they could suggest, and Ive just had my first counselling session over the phone, what a huge relief that was. I have appontments made that suit me, I can either attend somewhere local if I feel well enough to go if not it turns into a phone call, I couldnt ask for better. It toook a couple of months to sort but well worth it, just in that first session I feel like I have such a weight lifted off my shoulders. All those worries that seemed to constantly swirl around in my head that stopped me from sleeping or eating some days and got me in such a state are being dealt with one by one.I felt helpless and didnt know what to do, as a mum I thought I had to "fix" him but I couldnt and it was torture, I had to realise I couldnt help him and had to start thinking of myself first. It took me while to get to that point but I wouldnt have it any other way now, I wont ever go back to living the way we were.

None of this changes how ill my son is, and I know theres more challenges to come for him and us, we are doing the tough love approach with him and its very hard but will be worth it in the end. But I already feel mentally stronger and feel I can cope better and only wish I had done it a long time ago.

Im sure your husband loves you very much but Im sorry to say while he gambles hes going to put his next bet before everything and everyone else. As half life said dont under estimate how desperate a gambler becomes to get the money to gamble, Im still shocked at some of the things my son has done.

As for feeling ashamed, I used to think that to, I was convinced that we as his parents were responsible some how, even thought could it be some kind of genetic glich, I know how ridiculous but thats how bad it gets trying to make sense of it. Of course I know know thats not true now and I dont hide it any more, we used to hide it from everyone because of shame but all that does is give the gambler more secrecy to gamble, and they thrive on secrecy. We have recently told family and they have been fantastic, and Im pleased we did because it turns out hes been try to get money from relatives givng them some sad story that used to work on us a long time ago. This isnt our shame we havent done anything wrong, and its not yours either dont hide it.

In the mean time keep coming to this forum, keep talking, you're amongst friends and start putting yourself first

Best wishes

Hi the other half

as67 makes a lot of sense in her post. You would be wise to heed her advice.

Best wishes

Hi Half Life,

No he doesn't have access to our little ones bank, it's linked to my account so only really me that can access the money. Thanks for the info about noddle, I will be looking into that. Plus if I set the passwords in the first place he won't know what they are to change them on me! Thinking clever! Don't apologise for the grim reading, I would rather hear the truth.

Hi as67,

I totally agree, I'm already feeling more supported since joining this forum, it allows me to talk without feeling so ashamed and worrying about who will find out. Plus there is some great advise so thank you all!

It must be difficult not having contact with your son, sometimes I think not knowing allows the mind to run wild, but then the wildest my mind could ride isn't probably as close to how far they actually go, unbelievable ehh. It's good that they are managing teleporting appointments for you! And I'm glad they are helping you! It's definitely something I'm going to keep in my mind. Although it's not my secret to carry, I'm not comfortable telling people, and I could do without the added pressure at the moment, just taking things one day at a time. Easy through the week because we barely see each other (I work days and he works evenings, so there's half an hour in the morning, and half an hour in the evening).

As for the "your among friends" well thanks for that because it's a lonely old place is this and that's one of the nicest things to hear 🙂

Thanks wal1957 too, I'm certainly listening to everyone's advise, it's all so valuable.

Hi everyone

I'm 24 years old and trying to wipe out a horrible gambling problem. I constantly tell myself I haven't got an addiction but deep down I know I have.

Be strong and put your foot down but remember they have got to want to stop for any progress. Handing finances over is a good start. I'm now quite strong with myself. I haven't handed finances over but I purposely leave debit/credit cards at home. I leave the house with enough food and drink for the day and I take a couple of quid if I know I might want to buy a newspaper or a bar of chocolate or sometimes just peace of mind. When I say a couple of quid it's £2!!

Like mentioned above, for me Location - Money - Time has worked well so far. Take one away and it's not possible to gamble.

Remember that what your partners are doing is not to hurt you or your family. It's simply in the mind and when gambling you go into a world where nothing matters. You forget the outside world. And for me it was never the money that I wanted it was the thrill of being on the FOBT. I could be £500 in profit but I still wouldn't be happy. I'd keep playing until I'd lost everything. We are always playing for that massive payout. But how much is that massive payout? I didn't know, and I wouldn't win because I couldn't stop. It's an urge my body just wanted to keep going. I suppose like any other addiction.

I never want to hurt my family or girlfriend I just wanted that big win and ВЈ50 here and there would sure 1 day bring that big win in. But that turned into £1000 here and there....

I know your looking at the blocking websites but this will not block out mobile app accounts as they run from 4G Internet on the phone. I could suggest you open a joint bank account and get rid of his account and you have the online banking for it and you can see exactly what's going out and where.

(Sorry for opening up a little but I want you to try and understand what's going through his mind. The more you know the better to can beat it.)

It's day 6 for me today. I get the urge still but using the methods mentioned above I'm on a better road and nothing is going to knock me off it!

Best wishes to you all and I hope in the long run we are all winners!

T

Thanks annon, I call it " gamblers fog" when you cant see anything of the damage you're doing, you can only see what you need to do to place your next bet.

I spent so long reasoning with Mr P, trying to say that "when your a kid and you lie, people confront it, when you're an adult they dont confront it, but that doesnt mean we believe all this b******t", but he couldnt hear me. He did some awful, criminal things, the betrayals of my love and trust were devastating, but he couldnt see it.

It has come home to him now, I am one of the lucky ones who has a happy story to tell now, I believe all gamblers can beat this if they want it enough, I've seen it happen so often, but i dont have the recipe for what makes them want it, what tips the balance and with my friends dad going to prison for fraud again at the age of 72 now, i know there are some that wont ever stop and we all need to know where our scales tip and we have to walk away, leave the gambler to their life sentence and not take it on as ours. Its not ours.

It is so difficult for loved ones to know where the landmark moments are, when we can make a difference and when we have become invisible, when our gamblers have stepped over into recovery or whether they have just found another way to tug our heartstrings, I know with Mr P i defintely shoot first and ask questions later, so far, for a long time now, he has been able to take this on the chin, because he knows he has done nothing wrong, he says its amazing what a clear conscience does for you. And to be honest i think i will always be quick to shoot, because my self esteem cant take another day of doubting myself.

We are happy, because we both changed, deliberately, positively and we never get complacent.

I think, annon, you will get there too.

New people, you are definitely among friends here, unique friends, who actually undertsand these feelings, this lonliness (the worst thing for me was the lonliness) and what its like to keep getting out of bed every morning and doing the day with this hanging over you. We're all at different stages, but all in it together, keep talking....

Hi Everyone

The other half live, yes its very hard not having our son in our lives but it came after years of living with misery and chaos, we were pushed to our limit and couldnt take another day. He has done and said some dreadful things and I dont know know if I will ever be able to forgive him for some of it, he became abusive and has been violent, and really we should of told him to leave long before we did. When I look at him a see a shell, thats been taken over by a monster, sounds dramatic I know but thats what I see and as someone said recently its as if hes lost his soul. Dont get me wrong as awful as it is inside somewhere is my sweet gentle son and I live in hope that one day he'll come back. Dont wait until it gets as bad as it has for us before you start to look after yourself, not all gamblers get as far down as he has but I really think if we'd been tougher with him and looked after oursleves more maybe it wouldnt of got so bad. Start putting yourself first.

As for telling other people its close family weve told, and I do feel releaved they know and they have been great. We have regular family get togethers and they are always so nice, lovely to catch up with everyone but when asked about him we would just say he was fine and change the subject hoping that no one asked any more, its not the sort of thing you drop into casusal conversation. One day when I bumped into family they asked me about something he had said on social media and thought it strange, and I just couldnt hold it back anymore and burst into tears right there in the street, felt such an idiot but releaved at the same time. Now they know theres no worry that they will "find out" which was daft really because they have been so understanding, Im sure your loved ones would be just the same. As for the not knowing allows the mind to run wild, I already know what hes capable of I can honestly say nothing he could do now would shock me anymore, had too many jaw dropping moments in here. I know for certain he is gambling as much as ever and only today something has happened that could of had a negative effect on us ( best I dont say ) and Ive stepped in to stop him, not for his benefit ours.

I still think this a load of **** and wish it was different and as Pangolin says this is a very lonely place to be, I have a rant and a cry but the difference is now I pick myself up a d**n sight faster and get on with my day. I feel a lot better and more detemined than ever that me and my husband put ourselves first, what ever happens with our son is his own doing.

I really hope your husband gets help sooner rather than later but in the mean time, be cautious doubt what he tells you unless he can prove other wise and if hes not prepared to do that its because hes got something to hide. Dont get drawn into arguments or try and reason with him, its a waste of time and if your husband is as good a liar as my son is he'll have you doubting your own sanity.

Lots of gamblers get help long before the get to the point my son has and gone on to have healthy happy lives and I must seem to paint quite a gloomy picture but its really not like that anymore. Im as happy as can be given the circumstances, Im calm (most of the time) and dont feel despondent anymore, and we have a fairly normal family life, and will continue to do so.

Only you will know when you have had enough or wether you choose to tell anyone, its different for everyone, but I can tell once I did life got a lot better

Best wishes

Evening all,

Thanks for all the advise and support, it's such a relief to know I'm not alone, if I'm not responding very often it's just because I'm busy at work, it's the thing that's keeping my going at the moment, (as well as this post of course) gives me the opportunity to bury my head in the sand for the day and just live a normal life, plus it's a super busy time at work too.

Pangolin, you really do give me hope that things can get better one way or another, though in reality I'm still finding it hard to see the light, even just looking at him or talking I find a struggle, I bet since this all happened I haven't said even 50 words in total to him. I just find it so difficult to communicate with him, even about the day to day small talk stuff because when I look at him I'm just angry and disgusted that he could do that not just to me but to our little one! Not really looking forward to the weekend as that will prove the most difficult time I suppose.

I definitely agree the loneliness is the worse part in all this, which is why this post helps so much, plus even if I'm not writing I am still logging on to read whenever I get the chance when I'm not working. Your all playing a role in supporting me on this journey so thank you, it's appreciated 🙂

I felt the same. In the depths of his "rock bottom", Mr P had gambled the money i gave him for a haircut and beard trim, was so controlling that he wouldnt let me pick up his dirty clothes to wash them (he was relegated to the spare room), wasnt showering or brushing his teeth, i couldnt speak to him, i couldnt look at him, i despised everything about him, in hindsight, my rock bottom too. At that point i had run out of reasons to protect his secrets, what he had done suddenly wasnt my fault any more, so i told my Dad what was going on, explained to the older kids what was happening . Anyway, long story short, military family and my eldest son was suddenly hospitalised, a long way from home, and it was life threatening, i had to get there, i started to tell mr P and saw the snarl appear and knew he was going to make it all about him and i just couldnt tolerate that, i got to my son as fast as i could, which was complicated and involved the help of someone mr P cant stand, i dont much like him myself, but he was the right person to get me where i needed to be, so asked for his help. Thats when the real change in me happened, sat by the hospital bed, waiting for him to pull through, i knew that if i couldnt turn to mr P anymore, even at a time like this, we were finished. My son came back closer to home and i would visit and then came home one day to find mr P clean, dressed, washing up and smiling, he said he'd spoken to people and he had to go out tonight to a ga meeting, the recovery had begun, i went to my first gam anon meeting that week too, didnt manage to say much, just cried alot, but took away that important message about separating love and trust, still at that time i thought i would be letting the love go, but i had the permission from the group to stop having to trust someone, it sounds silly, but i did need someone to say to me "you dont have to trust him" before i could take that step. It's become a bit like managing my mother, she was a hoarder, i never ever bought her material things, i would take her away for weekends, take her for pub lunches, but i wouldnt feed the need to hoard the stuff, i hated her house and growing up in it, never taking a friend home, but i loved her and i had those things seperate. So i love mr P, but i hold all the money, pin codes are my secret, his passport and id for taking out loans are hidden where only i know, i dont let him have the things that can break him and it means we can be in love again. i needed help to get to this stage, i needed to talk it through a million times before my mind was settled with it and i have been changed by it, on the whole i am much stronger, but i do have a rather short fuse now, ce la vie.

Anyway, long and rambley answer to your post, sorry, but yes i know that feeling where you are so angry you cant even look at them, in the future you will look back on it as a point where things began to change and move, your recovery starts here. Keep talking....

Hello Pangolin,

I have also relegated him to the spare room, though it's not the physical that makes it difficult as he is still just as well presented as always, you almost wouldn't know anything was different, I just can't look at him but more so talk to him, nearly everyday when he comes home from work he will try some small form of small talk "do you want a pot of tea?" "Are you alright?" Or something and I find myself just saying "whatever" to him and nothing more, I can't say "yes please" to him because well actually I don't want to be nice and well mannered to him, and I can't say no because a pot of tea would actually be nice lol. I just can't say anything to him. It's ironic really because in the past if we ever rowed he would always say "whatever" to me all the time and it annoyed me like crazy because I would just think give me a straight bloody answer and yet now I find myself doing it.

I'm managing okay at the moment cause I'm at work through the day but we have to meet with our childcare provider tomorrow for a talk and I'm dreading that, how can we be united about our little one when I can't even talk to him? I'm better alone at the moment. Dreading the weekend too, finding it irritating that he is making plans with friends to enjoy himself and a part of me wants him not to enjoy himself at the moment and to be punished.

Thanks for listening 🙂

Hi the other half,

I am exactly the same as you I that during the week I'm so busy at work that it can just about function. I hate my weekends. More time in each other's company- him mostly trying to avoid me because I'll want answers. Me getting so frustrated with his head in hands routine. Not wanting a horrible atmosphere but can't face trying to play happy families. It's so hard. Sorry not much help but you're not alone in this.

Hi Katiecola,

That's exactly it! I can't cope with the pretending to be a happy family, I'm not happy with him and I can't pretend. This week hasn't been so bad, I naturally work quite long days so I have managed to cope. But what now? What do I do this weekend? Anyway, it will be a learning experience that I suppose I will have to get used to!

Dont pretend, no one is givng out awards to who can play happy families the best, you're not in a competition, this is ****, especially if your gamblers are still gambling. Being strong is not about just how much you can endure, sometimes its about speaking up too, if being nice isnt getting you anywhere then speak your mind and get some things off your chest.

It;s just a suggestion, like i say, i have become rather short tempered lately, but i do wish i had started to speak up sooner in nearly all areas of my life, not just with mr P, so thats probably why i say it, i bottled up too much, it helped to say things to his face after i'd worked them out with my gam anon group.

In the meantime, we're all here knowing exactly what you mean, it makes you want to scream doesnt it.

Definitely does, and do you know what's the worst, this morning, he takes the moral high ground with me and says I should be civil with him for our little one, it's not fair on him.....

Well hang on a minute, maybe if you had that attitude when you were gambling away all our money, you know, if you put our little one first then, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place!

Grrrrr makes me soooo angry!