New Member Needing To Just Talk

And the more you talk, the clearer it bcomes that their behaviour is beyond insulting and into the just ridiculous, their ability to see the consequences of their own actions has vanished, i would have thought a a livid spouse was one of the most obvious consequences, but this is where i could see it as an illness after a while, it is insane. which leads to being able to separate the illness from the person in your mind, which means you can just stop listening to the illness, if the man is available then you can respond to him, but the illness i could ignore, and that was the best medicine for it. Theres not alot else you can do, but refusing to acknowledge or engage with the insanity helped my self esteem.

Well we made some progress today, united by our son, then the talking became easier. I've laid my cards on the table that I can't and won't ever be able to truly trust him with money, I've told him I still hurt and the betrayal is hard to understand, maintained that he has served an injustice to our little one.

There are some tuff times ahead still I know, and I know I'll never forget this and how I feel, we may never get back to the relationship we once had, but there may just be an opportunity to manage with what we have got. He is still in the spare room and will remain there, I'm not that done with being mad with him yet... But at least I can find it in myself to talk, even just a little bit, to him, even if I don't open up fully, this for me is something...

well done

the only person you ever always have to live with is yourself, so conducting all this is in a way that you know to be right is the best thing you can do

mr P was in the spare room for a few months. i will never trust him with money, for my benefit and for his, but money is the easy bit. the betrayals and deceits arent all immediately obvious, you can find yourself months down the line and out of the blue realise that some work event, or car repair or something never existed, you were lied to, you feel so foolish and it can feel like your back to square one, there is no denyng how much all this stuff hurts, but gamblers going to GA meetings i know take this sort of stuff on the chin, they know they created the problem and slowly but surely make ammends.

It's not enough for him to pretend it all didnt happen and you have a fresh start, because you dont, you have some scars now and he's going to have to handle you with some care. He has a problem that doesnt just vanish, he needs to cultivate some habits which keep that under control. You're right, theres no going back to how it was before, to avoid repeating it all again, he has to make sure the future is different, this is up to him not you. you have done you bit by giuving him all this time and understanding, a second chance is more than he deserves, so dont rush yourself, you are doing great.

Hi TOH,

I've given up gambling now. I post on this site quite a bit. I've been a bit quiet over the last 10 days or so due to feeling unwell. The people that have responded to you on this thread either relative's of CG's or ex CG's post a lot of sense.

One thing that keeps cropping up is the credit file aspect. Given that your husband has had to resort to a log book lender seems to point to the fact that all the usual sources of lending appear to have dried up. Has he maxed out credit cards and already got bank loans etc up to the hilt ? Another aspect is pay day lenders etc. What about those ? I know half-life has mentioned credit files and if I were in your position I'd want to see a copy of your husbands file. Just to reassure myself that he hadn't tried and indeed obtained credit at even more extortionate interest rates.

I suppose what I'm saying is are you fully aware of the extent/nature of his previous borrowings ?

Best Wishes.

The other half

Email a request for online coumselling here, it is now done via webcam so is as near as d**n it the same as being there in person.

Speaking to a trained counsellor will help and give you an undersatanding of the best way forward.

Hi all,

Sorry for being quiet, lots going on at both home / work and everywhere else I seem to exist lol.

We don't have credit cards or bank loans so they haven't been maxed out, the log book loan would of been the only thing he had to easily get his hands on. It's pretty much one pit of money and then his weekly wage which has been blown. Not underestimating that it still equals well over £3k.

I want to know the truth and look at his credit file but there's also a small part of me that doesn't want to look, not because I think it will show up some massive credit card debt because I'm pretty sure there won't be one, but because I don't want to see and bank charges or missed payments that even though I already know about, I don't actually want to see the consequences or effects of them. I suppose I don't want to see that he has a rubbish credit rating. I know that sounds nieve or silly but that's the truth. Plus in all honesty, I'm finally starting to feel like this isn't the end of the world, we've had a reasonably good couple of days really considering all this and I'm not sure I,m ready for the emotional turmoil. Mostly because I know I will be angry at whatever I see...

I still get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime the post arrives, but atleast i do open it now, for ages i couldnt face doing that, but letting stepchange manage the debts has made me a bit more relaxed.

I actually felt quite reassured by our credit reports (he taken out stuff in my name too, but he had told me some weeks before i got the guts to look for myself), it wasnt as bad as i thought. Dont think about it too much, you'll paralyse yourself, just dive in one day and do it.

Having a bad day today 🙁

He asked for some money £20 to put in petrol, then as the conversation progressed it was £10 for the car £3 for some paint for his bike and the rest coffee money for work.

I said really you shouldn't be spending money on your bike at the moment as that's a privilege and not a necessity. His response was its only £3 and "I go to work all week so I should be allowed to spend £3 on my bike if I want"

Granted it's only £3 but I still think until he has paid off his debt he shouldn't be spending money on privileges and acing like everything's ok because as he says "I'm paying you the money back" but what he doesn't realise is in the meantime I'm funding the household for things that he should be contributing towards but isn't because I don't ask as that would biting off my nose to spite my face, the more of his money I spend on the house the slower he is paying me back what he owes.

I just feel like he is carrying on as normal and doing whatever he wants and "cant pay whAt he doesn't have" and in the meantime I'm drawing the short straw, he says because "you weren't spending it anyway" because I'm a saver over a spender that it doesn't matter but he fails to see that even if I wanted to spend the money he has now taken that choice away from me.

He isn't gambling and I know I should be pleased about that but im struggling to watch him spend money whilst he owes me! No matter how small the sum.

Hiya Half Life,

He doesn't have any access to any money really, I have all the money now except he gets paid some petrol money by a work colleague for a lift to work each day, that has to go into his petrol cause I've said I won't give him any money.

I have asked for receipts for everything and he has shown me them all except one which he said the machine wouldn't issue a receipt which its ok cause he paid by card anyway so I can check on the online banking.

In all honesty I don't have time to buy petrol etc for him so I've said I will give him cash when he requests it and he has to provide a receipt in return.

As for the coffee money it's a 20p machine at his work so can't really buy a gift card or anything but he doesn't get enough to do anything with that.

He did apologise this afternoon and say he wouldn't buy any privileges until he had paid back the debt to me. Maybe I'm being too harsh I don't know really.

Anyway I will reinforce the recipt message and see how things go I suppose at least though he understands why I'm so mad

Thanks for your reply Half Life 🙂

Hi the other half,

hope you have a better day today. I understand the feeling that they carry on as normal. After everything that has happened in my situation it still angers me that he plays golf- and get this I actually paid for it! So stupid but he manipulated me again saying- what aren't I allowed to do anything now? I felt so bad that I caved. I am having to pay for so much of the household stuff that we can't even save for a cheap family holiday. But I can't say anything because it will cause another row, bad atmosphere etc. we definitely draw the short straw.

And that's why you have to look after yourself, make sure you are getting some treats and enjoying some time for yourself, otherwise its still all about them and we do have to move to a point where its about us too. You're right, theres no point telling him off for things and harboring resentments doesnt make us feel any better either, so forget the gamblers for a moment, get out there today and do something that is all about you. And enjoy it.

Hello all

Thanks for your replies.

I am trying to start thinking about me and our little one, and him going out on his bike last week gave me the opportunity to go out with my little one and treat him to some new things.

I'm not totally skint and I can afford things but unfortunately that leaves me with some of the problem, I'm a saver type of person rather than a spender, but that means because I have the money to dig him out then the responsibility falls down to me to do it, and I would much rather he owe me at a small interest rate than anything else at stupid rates but it's the fact that it doesn't end there because he is skint I end up paying the bills etc whilst he makes a small contribution. Anyway I told him yesterday that I didn't think it was fair he got privileges whilst I was paying his debts off and he seemed to agree and understand so I just have to accept there will be bumps in the road along the way I suppose...

I just want to say also I am truly grateful to the members of this forum for all the messages, you have kept me sane and given me someone to turn to on bad days, gives me the opportunity to get it off my chest and start to move on! Big thanks 🙂

I am new to here and have just written my first post, having read what you had written i was so shocked that others are having the same problems as i am. As i read through your posts i could feel how strong you are becoming that it has made me feel i can cope with this as well,although i know it's a long journey, been on it for about 6 years already !!! it has come to a head for me this week. I decided enough is enough.I just worry because of all out arguements if i am going the right way about it, my husband seems to have a very bad temper when i start talking about his gambling and how it affects me that i end up dreading talking to him plus it will always end up with me getting really cross and him just smiling at me then i burst into tears due to frustration i think.He can drag me down with his constant demands for money and won't listen when i say no...i feel its all hopeless and we may split...

Hi, I'm also new to this site. Really hope it will help me get some answers to my problems. My partner is a problem gambler and I can't deal with the lies anymore. He gets angry when I mention it and I feel bad in case I have got the wrong idea about his bank statements but in my gut I know I'm right- wish I wasn't. So amny times I have offered him the ultimatum, but I can't leave- I don't want to leave him. He always denies it but later admits it and promises he will change and I believe him for an easier life but it's a vicious cycle!

Hi Half Life,

I think your right allowing them nothing does create resentment, but allowing them something makes me resent them, it's such a difficult call, how much is fair and is it fair to then make them justify the small amounts too. He lied over something the other day and today I caught him out, told him I was sick of his lies and he had until the end of the day to tell me any more lies otherwise anything I found out for myself after today I would finish it, he's had more than enough chances and I've forgiven him more than enough times but to continue to lie is just a lack of respect. Anyway he admitted there and then he had spent £2.99 last week on buying a poker game app. Funny cause it wasn't even poker that got him into all this mess before it was betting on the football games....

Hi Lovely15,

I'm glad you can feel me getting stronger through each post because your right, each day I live this miserable life I get stronger! The best advice I was given was to start living for myself. I've started making a life for myself... I watch the TV that I want to watch rather than what he wants, I talk and laugh with people at work, I make arrangements to do things without him, and most importantly I have this private little circle of friends who completely understand me, this group of friends right here in the forum!

As for your comment "going the right way about it" in all honesty I'm not sure there is such thing as "a right way" you just have to do what's right FOR YOU, not for them but what's right for you! Start putting yourself and your feelings first.

Hi Lec04,

Always trust your gut, mine always tells me loads before I find out the truth that something isn't right, the actual day I found out about all this, I'd already told myself talking out loud to my little one "your daddy's up to no good" (and please don't judge my parenting, he's only 2 so doesn't understand all this really)...

I have fallen into that bad habit of offering the ultimatum to tell him to leave and too many times not followed through, problem is then the threats become empty, and now I'm strong enough that I know life would continue if I broke up with him... It's actually quite comforting...

Good luck to you both in your journeys...

Keep talking 🙂