New to forum

Hi geray92

Welcome to the forum.

Trying to help someone close to you with a gambling problem can be deeply worrying and also very frustrating. I can see that you want to support your son in his efforts to stop gambling but your son also needs to take responsibility for his actions. Perhaps you could suggest that you would be willing to accompany him to the betting shops so that he can self-exclude and support him in that way.

It is great that your son is receiving counselling but also think about getting support for yourself as well.

There is a lot of support here on the forum for family members so please keep reading and posting.

I would also encourage you to call our helpline and speak to an adviser in confidence on 0808 8020 133 so that you can explore other ways that you can support your son and possible support for yourself.

Best wishes

Alex

Hi,

I'm new to this. Not sure exactly how it works.

My story is: I recently got married. One week later my husband confessed he gambled part of our savings that we were supposed to use to buy an apartment. I am devasted and I don't know how to deal with the situation. Please help.

Hi, thanks for the reply. We attended our 1st counselling session yesterday after soeaking to gamcare online. At the session we discussed thr self exclusion but for his dad to still put on a football coupon as the counseller believed that should not be taken away as it could isolate him further from his friends andd also to get some control over his money. In the past I suggested for a month to give me access to his online banking but this just caused a complete nitemare. So this morning we put it to him that if he self excluded from the other 2 shops and gave me a weekly printout of his bank then we would be willing to look at helping him get to a few things he's got coming up. This has not went down well either so we are no further forward.
I explained to him that not only has his life been put on hold but we also cannot make plans as we don't know what's happening from one week to next.
The different emotions I am feeling are unreal and now I just have to accept there's no more I can do.

Your counsellor is an idiot & I suggest you find another one quickly. Continuing to gamble on just a small football coupon as suggested seves no purpose other than keeping his addiction live & well. Also associating with friends that gamble is also another awful suggestion. I'm shocked & dismayed this sort of advice is being dished out to vulnerable people. God help those who are subjected to this level of so called help

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That's the 2nd counseller to have said it ... The one he is attending and also the one we seen. I'm only going on their advice x

I am also the mom of a CG. I know this is not what you want to hear but this addiction is not going away anytime soon and it will never be managed without 100% commitment from your son. I know as a parent I sprung into action calling helplines, psychologists etc. thinking I know what's best and will "fix" this problem... that was 8 years ago!!

My son is now in recovery but it was his doing not ours. The sooner a CG can "feel" the consequences of their actions without us coming to their rescue , the sooner they will decide to start managing their own lives.

This is really hard to do (took us almost 7 years) but is really the only way. I would suggest if you can find a Gam Anon group it really help to give YOU support and realize you are not alone in this!

I also agree with Dan... any form of gambling to a CG is not going to help!!

Thanks for all the comments I will take them on board x

Hi,

Can you get to a GamAnon meeting? This would be the best source of advice and support, it's for spouses, partners, parents, children, siblings, anyone who's affected.

No matter what you say, or don't say, no matter what you do, or don't do, the decision to gamble or not to gamble lies with the addict.

You can support by helping with barriers, installing blocking software, taking financial control. But you need the addict's full cooperation and if there is just lip service and loopholes, nothing will change. The addict has to want to stop.

For you, the rock/hard place choice is about what you put up with. Whether to pay and thus free up funds for the gambler to use. Possibly whether to stay in the relationship.

Get help and advice for you, put the rest of the family first. Separate your finances, do what's best for you.

re this counselling, did you hear the counsellor directly advise putting the bet on? It's totally contrary to the standard advice. Or were you being misled by the gambler? An active gambling addict lies and manipulates.

Take care,

CW

Hi geray92

Im the Mum of a compulsive gambler too.

For a long time I was convinced that I could help my son, we tried everything and got no where.

They have to want recovery more than anything else and nothing you say or do will make that happen until hes ready. Bribery definetly wont work, you cant reason with them, or convince them to see things your way.

I wish I could tell you differently but the best thing you can do for him and you is leave him be. Im sorry if that sounds harsh I thought it was harsh when it was said to me, infact I was annoyed it felt like I was giving up on him. It actually turned out to be some the best advice Ive ever had.

As Amom said they have to feel the consequences of their gambling with out us coming to their rescue. They have to see the damage it does to want to recover, if they run away from it or we protect them from it they dont get this vital part.

My son is now feeling the consequences of his gambling and hes taking steps to turn his life around, slow steps but defintely positive. After trying so hard to help him for years we decided to use tough love and basically left him to it and let him work things out for himself. It was d**n hard, I had to stop myself from swooping into Mum mode all the time, but I resisted and Im pleased i did.

As for the small football coupon bet, its still the same mind set of addiction wether its a pennies or thousands, and how a counsellor could say such a thing is beyond me. Would you give an alcoholic a beer instead of a whiskey, of course not its all alcohol.

I

That you have had the same advice from not one but two counsellors is ever more worrying! It would suggest the people who are referring you there have little or no understanding of addiction. I have attended counselling sessions where the counsellor has read from a prepared crib sheet. Before leaving post haste I have always made my feelings about what their bosses ideas of recovery mean in reality. Never got an impassioned response once. Its as if they couldn't give a s**t & are just being paid to give you what they have been programed to give.

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Hello geray92 and others.

Just wanted to acknowledge that we know there are strong feelings around complete abstinence vs harm minimisation approaches to gambling addiction. We do support both approaches on the forum and on the helpline/Netline and would aim to encourage those who contact us to find the solution which works best for them.

I hope you've found the support and input of other forum users helpful and that you, your partner and son find an approach that works for you, whether thats counselling, GA/GamAnon or both.

Best wishes

Forum Admin.

Crikey, I always thought that the bet to be avoided was the first one. Certainly sounds safer!

Otherwise you might end up thinking that gambling can be controlled...one little tenner won't hurt...And what about the other anti-social behaviour that goes with active addiction?

I did know of a distant family member who having made sure everything was in her name, gave her husband an allowance from their monthly income, made sure that he couldn't exceed it and then didn't ask what he did with it. But that was several decades ago, before the modern problems of easy credit no questions asked, and websites like Bet-on-everything-and anything-dot-com. He had a full set of social skills, they were genuinely close. But she wasn't in the habit of putting his bets on for him.

Not that it's my choice, but I prefer my husband to continue his present abstention.

CW

Hi

Maybe I am being overly cynical here but as Gamcare receives funding from the Gambling industry "As an independent national charity funded by donations from the gambling industry, the Responsible Gambling Trust funds education, prevention and treatment services and commissions research to broaden public understanding of gambling-related harm." I wonder if they are duty-bound to say they don't only advocate complete abstinance.

Personally, I believe there is NO other option. Even a lottery ticket counts as gambling in my book, and one that should be avoided by all CGs.

Admin

I have clicked a post as abusive. Apologies from fat fingers here!!!