For a while now my husband has been disappearing for about 2-3 hours at a time. He insists he’s been places like work, stuck in traffic etc but it never adds up and I have been suspecting an affair. Last night he came home after another disappearing episode and I confronted him. He finally and tearfully confessed to me that he has been spending this time in gambling bookies and has a problem. He is about £1500 in debt presently and is frightened about what is going to happen and wants help before it spirals out of control. I don’t really know how to feel in honesty. I feel so scared and sad for him, to see him so vulnerable and afraid was awful. I am incredibly committed to him and to preserving the wonderful family we have with 2 young daughters, and I want to support him through this (I told him all of this). But this feels like a completely new world to me. I told him he absolutely must get help and this is a non-negotiable. He doesn’t want to tell anyone else in our lives which I understand but personally feel is a mistake. I don’t even know what I’m looking for here, I guess just to feel like we are not alone in this struggle and some support as we start to navigate this difficult and worrisome journey together.Â
Hi sorry to hear this usually i dont say this but u are one of the fortunate one if u can get him to join the forum and join the 8pm chatroom rooms he will get great support it seems like he only recently started this gamblimg and u have caught him if he take on the support and take this addiction seriously it alot easier to change set some ground rules dont help pay his debt off and be firm with him that u will not tolarate this behaviour this can go two ways he can take this advice on board and his recovery will be alot easier or b think he not as bad as other people which is the wrong way of thinking and this is when it gets worse he has the opportunity now to kill the addiction before it spreads👍
Hi
Very much as Taz said, he needs some help, both of you do. Gambling is an illness and just going cold turkey rarely works. I would suggest that both of you, independently click the button bottom right and speak to the advisors who are amazing. You can either speak on the phone or live text chat if you feel more comfortable. They can talk things through and advise where the help is. As a positive and as Taz said, it sounds like early days. The fact that he has confessed and kept it secret would suggest he knows it's a problem, the thing now is to start sorting it out.
We are all hear for both of you in the community so reach out . You aren't alone and there is no judgement here, just support
Hi,
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I am sorry to hear this but it is thankful your husband has realised the potential big problem ahead and be open to you and try to sort out the issues. To be trueful is in incredibly hard to tell and admit to our loved ones we have a gambling sickness. We didn't just lose the money but also our dignity on these occasions. All those guilt and shame can make me buried myself into the sand. As time goes by when your husband is on a steady recovery it would be easier to be totally open to the others. I have stopped gambling since last October but with relapse .It was only last night I had confessed to my husband I lost more than a thousand pounds since last year. He took in calmly but I know underneath he was surely annoyed the fact that I would be out of control as such.Â
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Please both of you could talk to the Gamcare advisors. They are professional and active listeners with many helpful advice. They are 24hr available. Also perhaps you and you husband could join the chatrooms. The 8pm is a general one but with all these kind folks who have been on the journey of recovery, they offer invaluable support and advice on how to go through these difficult times. Tonight at 7pm there is a chatroom with special theme about relationships which can be useful to you.Â
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This is the time that you need to speak to someone who will discuss without judgement but for assistance purpose only. We all try to help and support each other. You are definitely not on your own.Â
Just to add to what Ann and Taz said, you can let your husband know that Ann, Taz and I are nearly always on the 8pm chatroom. Taz is nearly 1000 days gamble free and goes as part of his recovery, same here and Ann has said as well. I will be on tonight from just after 8 and if he can make it I will look out for him and be a friendly person to listen to him. The chatrooms are text only so no cameras in case that is daunting.Â
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Hello,
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It is great that you have caught this early and without too much damage. 1500 pounds can easily turn to 150k +
Just remember that it is an insidious, secretive addiction and whilst there is now a weight of your Husband's shoulders, don't let that be that. Please openly share your financial information and ensure he shares everything with you moving forwards. If not, it may come back. You have the openness and honesty now and that is the hard bit done, don;t get complacent, keep sharing and communicating.Â
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Congrats to you both for doing the hard part.
Just what Jason said. Opening up and admitting the problem is the hardest thing. In addiction I isolated and wasn't present with my partner and two children. I can never get that time and harm back but I can make a form of amends by being the person they thought I was through hard work in recovery. I never wanted sympathy and never do, just understanding which I know is difficult to understand when I don't myself
Today after four months I am present. I am loving. I came caring. I no longer hate myself. I can only tell the truth. I work everyday on that through my recovery. Obviously your story is not mine but I'm just saying there is an amazing and better life out there for both of you through openness and honesty.
I wish you both all the love I can send on your journeyÂ
Hello,
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Speaking from experience and being in the same situation as your partner,
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It’s an awful place to be and an extremely lonely one. As a recovering gambling addict myself or recovered depending on whatever way you look at it.
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The support that you can give your partner is absolutely vital and priceless, i came clean to my partner January 5th 2020. Some of the steps I took was to make sure I was banned using GamStop and she took control of my money at that point. I was desperate to be better, and to be present. I felt like I wasn’t there a lot of the time.
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At the time of coming clean, I had a step son and one of my own on the way and couldn’t carry on the way I was going. There was ultimately only one way I saw that it would end and that would have been if I wasn’t here and I didn’t want that to happen.
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I went around to the local book makers and casinos with a family member and excluded myself. It took time but it worked, I had a Monzo account and was given an allowance in order to protect me from having slip ups. It seems extreme and almost like giving up control.
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My partner was scared too, and confused as she had no idea. I was also given an ultimatum that if I gambled again it was over, that was a risk I wasn’t willing to take. I had gambled from the aged of 18 until my late 20s.
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Fast forwards to now, 6 years later and I’m gamble free, we have had another little boy and I’ve got a new role at work which I love and we have a nice house and I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
It’s important that your partner wants to change amongst all the other steps that you can take. As a unit though, you can deal with it and make it work.
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I hope that you can come through it ❤️ Â
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Thank you immensely to everyone who has written a reply here. Reading your words has brought me a lot of comfort.Â
I will try to keep you all updated on how he is progressing. I truly appreciate the support from you all.Â
Great that he realises he needs help and accepts that if highly encourage him to join this community, having you on his side is absolutely wonderful but a community of people that know exactly what he is going through is really really helpful in my experience I joined here knowing I needed help 53 days ago and have been clean since, I have my wife support which is huge to me but the friends I have made and the support from this community is absolutely invaluable on my journey and helped me realise I wasn't alone and the feelings I had I wasn't alone in them.Â
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