I haven’t posted on here for a while but need to vent my frustrations today.
A bit of background – I found out my OH is a CG about 2.5 years ago. Since then we have separated and he now lives with his friend. We still see each other regularly, I care for him deeply but also know that I can’t cope with being married to a CG.
I am buying a house for myself (which I have saved for for as long as I can remember), I am relocating to by near my family and I feel like I am at the start of turning things around for myself. This should be an exciting time for me – it’s all I have ever wanted and I am really proud of myself for achieving this on my own - but I am really struggling seeing my OH so depressed.
I have run out of things to try and he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help himself. Part of me is very frustrated by him (we are the owners of our own destinies, we can make things happen if we really want to and try hard enough), but the other part of me really feels really very sorry for him – I think he is so depressed that he isn’t capable of making things better for himself. I also feel completely responsible for him as his family give him little support. This morning on my way to work, I texted his sister to ask her to help him and she said that there’s nothing she can do – he doesn’t call her, he doesn’t listen to her advice and she can only help him if he allows her to. I just feel this huge sense of burden upon me, and can only see it getting worse in the next few weeks when I move and am no longer nearby for him to call upon.
I’m not really sure what I want from posting this message here, but I just needed to let it out. I feel really very sad today and could cry sat here at my desk at work. I just hate the way things have turned out for us.
Hi Orchid,
Thanks for your heartfelt post, and I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. It does seem like a very sad situation, and I can certainly imagine your frustration that he doesn't do more to help himself. I agree with your outlook that "we are the owners of our own destinies", and I also believe that it's possible for that to coexist with feeling sorry for him. You don't actually need to "do" anything more for him at this point; just look after yourself and try to live the best life you can. It sounds like you've tried a lot to help him already, and at some point people have to disengage if someone isn't willing to accept their help, or take steps to help themselves. Remember that you're not actually responsible for him; he's an adult and is responsible for himself at this stage. You're only responsible for you and your own happiness now. It's wonderful that you're buying a house and are moving closer to where you have some nice support from family; do try to enjoy this moment as much as you can, you have earned this.
Things will get better over time, just keep moving forward. Try to take care of yourself, and I hope this reply or any further replies from members provides you with at least a small amount of support or comfort. You're doing the right thing for you.
All the best,
Travis
Thanks for the post Orchid
Im not sure what i can offer by posting back but i wanted to say all the best.
I'm sure he's got it, but you could give him a gift of hope with all the helplines and gambling support groups you can find. Maybe when he's ready he'd use it?
Tri
Hi orchid,
the burden is awful isn't it? My husband has finally accepted help from his family and the relief is huge. I think as hard as it is ( and I need to take my own advise here!) you need to try to let go. You sound like you are really moving forward. Keep going. I too have days when I can't believe how much my life has changed in 1 year. It's a process I guess but you're well on your way. Try to stay positive and focus on your new exciting future.
Thank you all for your words of support - it really does help.
Tri - he knows about all the support groups available to him, but I guess you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink...
Sounds like your grieving for the life that could have been. Don't give yourself a hard time I'm sure you have tried everything to help him overcome this. You can't put your own life on hold in the hope he was going to change. You seem like a lovely compassionate person. It is sad you can't have the future with him that you planned, im sure you put great effort into your relationship but relationships need to be two sided don't they. Good luck to you pet.
Look after yourself and all you can do is pray that your Husband sees the light.
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