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 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
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Not Sure where to Start,

I gamble because I have a small thought in my head which tells me money will solve all my problems ( I actually do not have a want for anything material)..... but then when I look at my life I have no real problems in comparison to others....

I have destroyed my life by gambling - from slot machines, online solts and visiting casinos. Admitting the problem is a start and I have done this many times but I end up regressing all the time.

I suffer from depression and OCD. I know ways of helping myself and they have worked but I lose the will. This is when my world goes dark.

Today I have decided to give myself a routine (I have been consideringt this for months but never took the step) - my nephew is autistic and I have decided to see if routine can help me aswell. Below are my thoughts. I will not be posting my diary entires but I wanted to put the first one up as at start.:

DAY1:
I have a very long way to go and I am so sorry for everything. But regardless of anything, I will make sure you do not have to suffer my issues anymore and I will be ok, and I will make things up to you one way or the other.
Admitting my problems is the first step - but the hard work is that in the back of my head small thoughts - and my brain relapses and I let it. so days, weeks and months have gone by previously but its de-generative if that's the right way to put it.
I have been very lonely and only the bedroom seems like home. This weekend the guys want to go out but I really do not want to, although its a bit strange while I am at home I just try and stop myself from doing stupid things like gambling.
I really do not enjoy anything - I feel nothing will give me fulfillment - but when i force myself to do something, anything - then all of a sudden i feel better. but that feeling of being better is like the high of a drug, I come down from it - all the d**n time, and that's when the world goes dark.
When I work on my websites i feel a sense of achievement, but then i come crashing down and my head resolves back to thinking things like - putting £10 in will help me win. But the truth is I will never win, no amount small or big can help me at this point. Only my resolve to continue and get myself back to a position where I am I content with life.
Gambling has become a feeling of both happiness and dredd for me - I wish to push it completely into the into the dredd zone - I really do not want to do this any more and this is my first real step.
My biggest weapon against this all is you, because I have wronged you in so many ways I have to do this and move on So you can also - but my little brother has helped, he has accepted my plea for help. and he is willing to take my card and is really willing to help in anyway he can.
I have decided my first step is to put routine into my life - this is something which I have and I lose - I actually feel like I need to do this because otherwise life just gets darker and darker.
Today I will Pick up by brother from the station and return the card to him as I have paid the phone bill now.
I have decided not to go to mums this weekend and focus on possibly getting the kitchen and the dining room finished before moving onto the lounge. Although the biggest struggle will be to get out of bed before 10am.
My routine will be as follows (This may change But I will try every single day):
7.30am leave house for work
12.00pm Lunch
5.00pm leave work
6.00pm arrive home and turn on kettle, wash dishes if needed
6.30-8.00pm do house work weather fixing or cleaning
watch TV and have dinner till 8.00pm
8.00pm - spend 1-2 hours working on my websites
10.pm be in bed ready to sleep/watch movie before sleeping.

 
Posted : 5th February 2015 12:47 pm
Forum admin
 Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 6407
Admin
 

Hi jim,

Well done for trying so hard to front up to your problem gambling and for thinking so creatively about your situation. I'm hopeful your imaginative strategies and changes of routine will have a positive effect, but I can also sense how hard it is to combat feelings of anxiety, loneliness and vulnerability on the more difficult days.

Please do excuse me if I mention, as is likely, routes you are already familiar with, but please do bear in mind you can call us on our free number (0808 8020 133 - 8am to midnight) any time you feel a supportive chat will help you fight off an urge to gamble - or if you wish to explore the counselling options provided by us and our partners.

Perhaps you are also aware of OCD-UK whose web site includes lots of useful info - including an interactive map to help find a support group which may exist in your area.

People who suffer anxiety, depression or OCD can potentially benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy - something to speak to your GP about in the first instance.

I do wish you well. The way you also think of how your situation affects others shows a kind heart.

Regards,

Forum admin

(Robert)

 
Posted : 7th February 2015 8:51 pm
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

How are you getting on?

 
Posted : 8th February 2015 3:47 pm
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