Desperate need advice

Hi,
This is your chance now, this is the time to make a choice.. I never gamble before in my live before my 3.5 years gambling streak..it's only when you realise your are doing something wrong and its not okay anymore you can make the choice now before going further into trouble.
Goodluck stop gambling now and then think about everthing esle.

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Hi brokenwoman call gamcare and speak to someone. Just off load, get some help. It is best to tell, I'm wife of cg, the sooner the better. Then you can get support and start putting some blocks in place. You can download blocking software, hand over finance, go to GA meeting. Please don't suffer in silence, call the number. Good luck!

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How about a letter? Or showing him your post here?

There isn't going to be a good time to do it so don't wait for one. The sooner you tell him the sooner (hopefully) he can start supporting you with the practical steps you will need to take. You've recognised there's a problem which is to your credit as many never even get to that point but now is the time to take concrete action. You haven't ruined your life as yet but an unaddressed gambling problem can and will get you there quicker than you'd ever believe.

Heya!

"No matter how far down the wrong road we have travelled, we can always turn around."

It's a quote that I had on my laptop, tablet, phone for the first 300 days of my recovery. I used it as an important daily belief to get off gambling. That and some SERIOUS blocks. So firstly, what are you doing to enable recovery? You can block all gambling websites with Betfilter, Netnanny, K9 (my fave but you have to set it up so you cannot get access.......and it's forever if you use it properly!) By having your recovery worked out you can face your partner with news of what you've done (I know it's a horrid feeling) and you can say how you are going to tackle recovery. Remember you can never gamble again, no matter how small! But you won't be able to......as long as blocks are in place! I don't gamble, haven't for nearly two years........mainly because I don't want to and have taken my recovery super seriously but if the day comes and I try to I know I can't. Not tested my blocks yet but it could happen, even fifteen years down the road. It's a lifelong commitment.

Secondly sort out your financial situation.......it may take months or years. It took me 14 months to pay my debts back, not all gambling but it made me address everything. It sounds like your debt is manageable but then everyone has a different circumstance.

What you are feeling now is the realisation that gambling has you in it's vile grip and you're unsure how to get away. Yes you must take responsibility and yes your partner will have issues.....but it's better to be honest and put it to bed.....hopefully with his support.

As for telling your partner......I strongly recommend it. I was single when I entered recovery but I still told my current partner as I met her shortly after entering recovery. I didn't have to but I told her I was in recovery, what I had done, how much I need to repay and she said "if you struggle, please tell me and I will help you". We've never discussed it since as there has never been a problem since, but what resonates with me is that she thanked me so much for telling her even though I didn't have to. I could have hidden it, and still recovered the same way without her knowing. Now we just laugh at gambling adverts together! The point is, recovery works so well when you have support and yes he will be annoyed but that will subside should he wish to help your recovery. But you must take full responsibility, no one forces us physically to gamble. You must make a life long commitment to never even have a tiny bet again!

There is loads of advice on here to help you, lots of fine people and the tell or not to tell your partner has been a massive subject of discussion on here. Just think if you had a terminal illness would you tell your partner? Of course you would. Well gambling is eventually terminal......it will systematically take your money, car, home, partner, children, emotional well being and physical health if you continue. But the emphasis is you. Not the evil gambling sites with flashy lights or negative times in your life (I was a classic escapist binge gambler). You can choose to get off this road, turn around and get distance between yourself and the point you are at now! Crossroads time!

Take care.

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The best thing you can do is tell him, I told my wife and family today, it hard but it will make you feel better

Hi again

No-one here can guarantee what his reaction will be but having been in his position I can almost promise you he'd rather know sooner than later. If Mr L had told me sooner I could have prevented the taking out of enough in eye watering loans to double the existing debt. Secrets are corrosive. It's quite likely he knows something is wrong even if he doesn't yet know what.

Yes, you may well be in for some bruising conversations but you're now in a position where you can show him you've taken some positive steps towards preventing your access to gambling. Action will speak louder than words and coming clean of your own accord before he finds out (as he will) is a powerful statement of intent.

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Hi Brokenwoman

I read your posts and the language could just come from so many of my posts - stupid, sad, idiot, shame, guilt, disgust, self hatred, sick.. I have gone though all of these thoughts and feelings and what you need to try (its is really hard!) to remember is these are all thoughts and feelings that you are putting on youself. No one else thinks these about you. You never decided one day to deliberately go down this route, you got caught by a gambling industry who employs really clever people to design games and processes to draw us in and take our money. The outcome is our despair and misery.

You sound like you want to stop, so put the blocks in place and get some professional help - individual counselling or GA, find out what works for you. You can never gamble again, ever.

General advice is you must tell your partner. You'll make your own decision but I strongly suggest you do tell him. There are strong practical reasons to tell him in that you need him to take control of the finances as we are not rational people when we are gambling but also you need the emotional support. Having to continue to lie and hide things from him is not going to help you on the recovery journey. Telling him will be horrible - the shame and disgust of having to say out loud what you have done was for me one of the worst experiences of my life. Obviously I cannot predict his reaction but my wife's reaction was extremely supportive and relieved that I had come to her before I did any more damage. Not trying to suggest that everything will suddenly be ok but it will allow you to start on your journey to take you away from your current position. The arguments for not telling him do not really exist. The likeihood is he will probably find out at some point which will be even worse. The whole "don't want to hurt him" argument is flawed beacuse you are behaving a lot worse by not telling him. I know all this because I spent a week and another £1000 loss trying to pluck up courage to tell my wife.

Keep posting on here. You are amongst others who are or have gone through very similar if not identical situations so we do know how you are feeling. I know it is a cliche but I do believe time is a healer. We can't erase the past but we do not have to make it the defining factor in our future life.

Hope you can feel better enough about yourself soon to change your username.

Muststop123

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I know the mental pain you are going through but it can't begin to get better until you start doing something to make it get better. This is not going to go away, you are not going to wake up in a moment and find it is just a nightmare. Sorry if that seems harsh but I really can't stand the thought of someone out there going through the same hell I went through.

Tell your partner. Just do it. He is going to be shocked, hurt, confused and possibly a bit annoyed at you. Most likely scenario, once he gets over the initial shock he will put his arms around you, tell you everything is going to be ok and start working with you to stop you ever gambling again.Probably going to have to put up with losing any financial independence/privacy. Very worst case scenario, he wants some time alone and you have to split for a while but how likely is this really? Only you know your partner but if this is the worse case scenario, do you think it will get any better by you hiding it and him finding out himself in a few weeks time that you have been deceiving him all this time. I truly believe the open and honest route at least starts you on a positive foundation.

Flip it around the other way. If your partner came to you and admitted he had done this, how would you react? Would you be supportive or would you kick your partner out? If you think you would be supportive, why would he be any different?

Good luck. Consider this an online hug.