I just found out two days ago that my husband of only 8 months, we have been together 6 years, got a gambling addiction last year and got into 12k of debt. He broke down and openly told me himself.
Luckily “we” have savings so it can be cleared and still have a decent chunk there as his mum gifted us 30k to put towards a house. This isn’t because his mum has money, she doesn’t really but instead has saved all her small amount of earning for years as he and his siblings cover her bills since his dad passed away quite suddenly and traumatically 2 and half years ago.
I am very good and organised with money and always sorted the finances which is fine by me because that’s how I have always been and always will be.
I now have access to his credit report and bank account so I know nothing else is hidden.
I have been through his statements for the last 2 years and can see it was really bad last spring/summer but since then the betting has gone down majorly and doesn’t really look a gambling problem as such and more the fact he has got himself into a cash flow issue trying to sort it alone which he come to the realisation was it no longer possible.
I knew from the beginning of our relationship, he was never great with money as we both had very different upbringings, he has 3 older sisters which have basically babied him. Whereas, my mum was a single mum and I had to pay bills from 16 for her to just survive.
Reading other forums I understand that this could be a hell of a lot worse but I suppose what I need is to find out the following from people who have been through the same.
He of his own accord too signed up to gamstop so he can’t get tempted but he is a very closed book and doesn’t want to seek any therapy or anything like that and says he can only speak to me. He was an alcoholic and now only drinks socially, we still have alcohol in our cupboard from Christmas and that’s how little he now drinks and all his family say to me, I’m the only one who got him to stop as no one else could for years which gives me some sort of hope and satisfaction that he isn’t lying when he says I’m the one who can help him.
Am I being naive? Do you think it will happen again once all these raw feelings subside? I understand no one can really guarantee anything but I’m so stressed, I’m not eating or sleeping in a panic that’ll I’ll stick with him to get through this (which I want to) for better, for worse as they say but then it happen again and we lose everything once we have children (we was going to start trying next month) and a house.
I’m so hurt and upset he hid this from me for so long and married me knowing this but deep down I think he thought, he could resolve it on his own and then I start blaming myself because I’m so organised with money. Is it my fault for saying you should save x amount which leaves you with x amount which is more than enough.
I think I’m also scared I’m just going to live the rest of my life in fear and become obsessed over checking his finances.
Sorry for the long post
Hi quietlantern,
I am Dave and I am a compulsive gambler who has been trying to recover for 10 years now. From my experience with my partner if I ever went back to gambling which I have in the past the best exit is to tell your partner asap before even more damage happens. My partner being open said you can always talk to me and that support was and is vital to my recovery.
Because of my addictive personally I quiet smoking just before my daughter was born, the following year I quiet drinking too ( expect non alcoholic beers at 0.5%) so I can understand why he want to stop for you, it can be done but bumps will always happen and are natural imo.
most recently I have got myself in a bit of a financial mess but I am willing to work hard and work my way out of it. What keeps me going are my beautiful two kids and I regularly tell my partner I love her.
its hard and I hope you get some perspective from my situation, just because things get difficult or finances struggle doesn’t mean a life can’t happen. I hope you don’t feel like you’re in a constant panic about them because I assure you he is battling an addiction and juggling the finances in his mind and probably has done since you have been together. Getting him to be honest and open and for him to be honest to himself about what triggers him and how to put barriers in place should be a good start.
its not for everyone and each GA meeting is different but if he can physically get to a meeting then it’s worth its weight in gold for support and just a bit of socialising with people who have been through it all and hit rock bottom after rock bottom.
anyways I hope some others put some good advice and experiences. I wish you the best and I hope a healthy relationship in the future.
hitch hikers guide to the galaxy… don’t panic!
dave101
Hi @dave101
thank you so much for replying, I did read some previous forums and worried my situation wasn’t ultimately that bad and I wouldn’t get a response so I really appreciate you writing to me
Im sorry to hear what you are going through but the way you are with your partner sounds amazing and you are a good person and loving dad/partner and it’s nice to hear that there definitely are people who can have the addiction and still be open and honest too.
He has signed up to Gampstop for a 5 year ban and put a gambling block on his bank card and has no access to any other cards now. I have access and alerts on now for his banking and credit report which both gives me peace of mind and him less temptation.
i really don’t think he will go to meetings but I will try get him too. I have spoken to him today and asked him to get some sort of therapy as I really think this might actually be some trauma from him losing his dad (he died in our arms early hours of the morning he was meant to start chemo as the tumour in his throat ruptured unexpectedly and he couldn’t breathe) I really don’t think he has dealt with it properly yet and it was awful so I can’t imagine what it was like for him.
if he doesn’t, I have said to him now please just tell me everything no matter what, if you’re struggling, if you have had one blip, anything so we can face it together before it goes bad.
hopefully for now this is enough and we can learn along the way
Hi
I would strongly suggest signing up for Gamban on all devices which stops any access to gambling websites. If you don't gamble yourself then it would be advisable to sign up to Gamstop yourself as well. Did he sign up for one year or the maximum five years ?
From talking to a lot of people gambling addiction is different. I would suggest that there is no way of controlling it after someone has crossed the line and it's become a problem.
I also know many people in GA rooms who are happily married and are trusted in their relationship so I don't think you have to worry about watching his finances forever.
It may not seem like it now but the fact he told you everything is really good and he needs you to walk the path together. You do need to look after yourself as well. You can get help on here by speaking to the advisors
If he won't attend a live meeting there are online ones on gamblersinrecovery.com and there are chatrooms on here at 8pm where both of you can come,.no cameras just text
Hi
Thank you for writing to me.
Luckily he only has one device but I was under the impression it stops the person as you enter your details is that not correct? He also told me to sign up to betting sites you have to put your details and ID in which I didn't know. He did the 5 year ban with auto renewal.
I agree with you totally, other than this our relationship is good and I do not want to walk away, I think it is the initial shock of it all to be honest and I already deal with anxiety and finding it hard to cope with my emotions which is why I needed to come on here to speak to people in the same situation as no one around me has experienced it.
I will mention to him ie the chat rooms and see what he says, he is feeling very bad at the moment and right now as I am saying to him, with everything raw he can assure himself he wont do it again but once everything has subsided and settled, he may get an urge. I will mention it again soon and when/if that happens and he may change his mind. I have been very clear that I just want him to be honest and open moving forward regardless of what it is to prevent anything getting bad again.
Hi
What I was trying to say without saying it, is that compulsive gamblers go to any length and can set up accounts in others names. He would need ID of course. Gamban is important as it stops all gambling websites. When you say one device does he not have a mobile and laptop or desktop ?
You can work through this together but it is a mental illness. No one can be truly fixed but I know 100s of people who haven't gambles for over 20 years. That can be done and it's possible to get to a place where you don't want to ever gamble. That takes work on ourselves to replace thinking to be the best version of ourselves. I know plenty of compulsive gamblers who are in recovery and are fantastic people
Soh ok I see what you mean
he only has his phone and a work laptop but I’m not sure he could get on gambling websites on there but I’ll get him to put it on there too.
yes maybe I am being naive because I am saying “it’s not that bad compared to others” but the line has been crossed now like you said and fingers crossed we can get through this
thank you so much for your advice 🙂
Just keep talking, signpost and not push
Hi and welcome. You're in a tough spot so I thought I'd give you a little bit of my story. I was the gambler. I came clean after gambling our honeymoon payment. Confrontation and honesty followed with a 50k debt and years of deceit laid out bare. It was too much for my wife (now ex) and we separated.
2 years later with 1 relapse along the way, I'm debt free and gamble free. I attacked it head on. Took all the advice in here. Went to GA. I did everything. It was tough, but so worth it.
Would it have worked with my ex? I don't think so. I don't think the trust would ever be there and it would eventually drive us apart. But, there are many others on here who have made it work, who have stayed together, and who are now gamble free and happily married.
As others have said, this has to be lead by him. He has to really own it and want it. Then you have to ask yourself the big question. Can you get back to how it was? I'm proof that this can be beaten (It's always going to be there so not fully beaten). This is not the end of the world, but it's going to take allot of work on both your parts. You'll have to treat him like a child with money for a while, but you will have to slowly start to trust him and give him control back. Unfortunately even though his ambling caused this, you will have to put in some work too. I wish I'd had the support when I quit. It would have been easier, but for me I would never feel truly trusted again and embarrassed so in my case it's probably for the best we split.
Tough times ahead for both of you. Look after yourself first though. Separate financially. What happens next, happens, so make sure you're protected.
Good luck
@lp5vut869c what do you mean signpost and not push? Sorry
hi
I’m so sorry you went through that and it didn’t work out but it seems you come to terms with it and handled it well although I can imagine it was hard but very mature of you.
I must admit he is leading it and is showing so much remorse and don’t think he could possible put any more barriers in the way and is letting me take control of all money.
I will support him all the way and that’s what I want to do more than anything but I need him to be honest for me to do that and I think he will be considering he now knows I have access to everything, bank, credit reports etc. All of my friends and family have said they think we can make it work as they know he is a good person and know who he is but I guess only time will tell and also heal as just all very raw right now
what do you mean seperate financially?
I mean, just ensure you don't have any joint debt, or ways to get joint debt. If the worst comes to the worst, and I hope it doesn't, you will be liable for the debt. And any access to your money must be strictly off limits for him. You sound very financially switched on so I'm sure you are all over it, but just remember gamblers can be sneaky liars (as you've already discovered!).
I never went near my ex's money and never would, but there are horror stories on here about partners running up debt in their loved ones names. This addiction changes people and makes them do things they would never dream of. Keep yourself safe until he can be trusted. Set some ground rules, give him pocket money to spend, keep an eye on everything money related for a while.
Stay strong 👍
Oh right no no joint debt, our flat is in my name as I bought it before we got together but no joint accounts or anything.
im so switched on with money, im a credit control manager and i get it from my mum, my money goes into spreadsheets everyone month and all my friends ask me for advise, maybe too switched on and I do worry is it my fault at times because I am so that way but I know it’s also positive as I can sort this all out
i have set all the ground rules now and he is happy to send me all his wages
thank you so much for being there and giving me advice and hope, it really means a lot
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