Last week I lost £500 in the casino whilst waiting for a poker game to start (which ended up not running). I was looking to spend £20 to satellite into a bigger game because I didn’t want to spend the £200 to buy in directly. I hadn’t had a loss in exactly a year (that being £1000 in 30mins) and I felt like I had control over myself because my gambling at tables had been extremely reduced to almost nothing.Â
I had a few notes in my pocket so thought screw it let’s play a little. The minute I was £10 down I bet £20 then £40….you know how it goes. Withdrawals and more chasing and then somehow managed to stop myself at £500 down.
I thought to myself, it’s ok, it’s just money and in reality that’s the truth, we can all make more but it doesn’t stop my brain saying you just lost £500, why can’t you control your behaviours??? I try to play a satellite to save £180 but blow £500 waiting to play it??? Makes no sense!
I think that’s the worst part. I can go cold turkey for a while and then when I allow myself a chance to test myself, redeem past behaviours (as I see it in my head), those past behaviours come flooding back.Â
Maybe that’s it. You can put a lid on the behaviours but when you lift the lid they push out.  I can’t lose a small bet without instantly needing it back and the most harmful part is I don’t get it. I don’t get why I’m wired this way.
Thankfully I’m not a compulsive gambler otherwise I know I’d be out of control and lose my wife and kids but equally I’m hurt that I can’t control these mental issues.
Now I’m sat a week on thinking about what’s wrong with me, why can’t I just be normal. (what is normal anyway?) It’s getting me down.
The reality for me at least is to not allow myself that first bet ever again. I can’t allow myself some gambling. Preventing myself from giving gambling that gap to get back into my life is the only way I can stop what ultimately will only ever harm me and my family and never benefit me in the long run. Â
It’ll take time to shift these feelings but I’m going cold turkey again. Hopefully I can keep the lid on my urges (when they arise). Ultimately I know I can never win enough and the house knows this and worst of all I only up my betting to break even so it’s a doomed pursuit and I don’t want to let it impact me any more.Â
Thanks for reading, I just needed to get this out of my head. Good luck to all with your own personal battles .
dc
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Hello sorry to hear of ure losses I to have a gambling problem going on 20 years I thought I was cured but ime not it's self delusional..those roulette machines are my "nemesis" or electric serpents as I call them.. I now have to leave my bank charge card in the house as I cannot trust myself not to use it in bookmakers shops .. I have to stop gambling (not consider two or three weeks abstinence as being out of the woods)..but at least like me u have came on this platform to engage with other folks like ourselves..we are all in the same club presently and for perptuaty.
Hello sorry to hear of ure losses I to have a gambling problem going on 20 years I thought I was cured but ime not it's self delusional..those roulette machines are my "nemesis" or electric serpents as I call them.. I now have to leave my bank charge card in the house as I cannot trust myself not to use it in bookmakers shops .. I have to stop gambling (not consider two or three weeks abstinence as being out of the woods)..but at least like me u have came on this platform to engage with other folks like ourselves..we are all in the same club presently and for perptuaty.
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