Female gambler on the road to recovery

Everything you have done is difficult, brave and 100% necessary.

I've posted before talking about the difference between "difficult actions" and "necessary actions". Trust me, this was necessary and the feelings of self loathing you have now will eventually dissipate and a feeling of pride will take over as you overcome this addiction.

Yes, there are rough times ahead, but by taking the decision to "stop the rot" you've decided to do no further damage financially and mentally.

I am a little older than you, earn a decent wage and have a position of trust and responsibility within my community.  Married with 3 kids and it wasn't until the start of this year that I finally did something similar to you and took back control.

130+ days on and I feel like a different person with a different outlook on life.  I'm not cured and every day is a battle (I visit here regularly to share in an attempt to help others, but to remind me of the journey I'm on), but every day I am proud of the choice I made.

You write with a mindset of moving forward and this is exactly what you have to do. What's done is done and what's gone is gone.  It can't always be explained, and you're right, others may not be accepting of it....but you still did the right thing.  It was difficult, but necessary.

At the risk of sounding patronising, well done for taking these first steps.  Make sure the blocks are tight, keep checking on here and being honest with others in the same situation and be prepared for ups and downs. 

I have every confidence that you can beat this and I look forward to watching your journey and your successes in doing so.

Thank you so much bdog for your reply. You've no idea how much that means to hear those things because at the moment I feel anything but brave.

I am so glad that you are on your journey and feeling so positive about the future. I know you can beat this too. 

Gamcare have been amazing. I phoned last night and this morning. To have kindness from them and on here means I've got the strength to move forward. 

I've tried to make it as watertight as possible: gamcare, Gamban, Monzo account, counselling sign up and I will give full access to my bank account to my husband if  he feels we can try to move forward, or my best friend if he doesn't. 

I have done all the abhorrent things I've owned up to but I feel so much better already for telling the truth. It will be tough with my husband and I may lose him. I may be homeless with no money come tomorrow when I check out of this hotel. That will be my doing and I accept that.  I am lucky to have friends and family I can stay with and I have the foresight that although it is a bad situation, nothing can be worse than continuing to lose hard earned wages, continuing to lie and deceive and hide, continuing to harm my future and those around me. So I accept whatever storm is coming my way and know that it can only get better than that.

I'd suggest offering your husband full financial control rather than just access to your banking. This to include both immediate and ongoing access to your credit reports with all three agencies (all available free) so he can see for himself there's nothing left undisclosed.

Be prepared for some bruising conversation and unvarnished comment. Answer every question patiently even if you think you've already covered the ground. Further down the line don't ask or expect him to trust you around money. If you're offered a cash allowance show him receipts to the penny. Show him you're planning to attend GA meetings.

You've taken a first step that many can't bring themselves to take which is a positive thing. There's a good chance he will have known something was wrong and this will fill in the gaps for him. Take things at his pace.

Thank you for reply. I am willing to giveback him whatever control or access required. Credit agencies is a good idea, I hadnt thought of that a way to show I'm telling the truth.  

I'm not sure how full control would work on a practical level- we have totally separate finances- I'm not even on the mortgage. Which is good, of course, in this situation.

However, I am not sure he will be willing to do that and that's what I have put in place all I can for myself to stop gambling, as it may well be that I am on my own in this situation.

"Further down the line don't ask or expect him to trust you around money" - I can understand that completely. He will always (or any partner, should we separate) would have to have full transparency. I do have the goal of beating this addiction to the point that I can manage my own finances though- I don't plan on going through my whole life relying on someone else to do that for me, though I understand it's initially good. However I know lifelong transparency such as credit report access and open access to bank account etc will be important. I hope, with counselling, my determination and the steps I've taken to make it very difficult to gamble, that I can stop. I don't wish to plan for relapses, I wish to plan for the ultimate goal of never gambling again! I understand that may not happen but I have to have big hopes and people can do it cold turkey for life with hard work one step at a time. 

Lovely to speak with you in chat tonight. You’ve Made so much progress his week. Hopefully speak with you soon. 

Sarah

hi fox cub welcome to the forum, hope to c u in chat again for support and hope that he gets in contact with u soon.

Adam xx

Thanks Sarah for making me feel so welcome. It was so helpful x

Thanks Adam.xx 

Hi, thanks for your reply. 

Yes, it was solely online slots really. Bingo hall a handful of times over the past 5 years but social with friends. Obviously I would never do that again now and I self excluded from them too a while ago in a previous not very focussed attempt to stop.  

Unfortunately I had serious debt from uni but that is almost all cleared and my credit rating will be cleared by May next year (6 years clear rating). I was scared about that improvement to CR coming up next year too- it is unthinkable how bad this could have been in I had access to credit! my debt is big but will be all cleared in 2-3 years with hard work, some debts will be paid off in a year. 

Im not sure about the group situation, I think I'd feel intimidated face to face but I could try to go. It's nice to hear it works for you. I'm really keen for counselling as I'd like to address the underlying unhappiness. I honestly don't think I even enjoyed gambling, sheer compulsion, like I was zoned out completely and incapable of stopping or thinking.

today is for being sad, but also relieved. I'm so sad for what I've done to husband. That's the worst for me. 

That's so inspiring- 270! Nearly the year, I'm certain you can get there. Well done! 

Still no word from husband. I've checked out of the hotel, with no where to go. This is what I deserve though. But it's still incredibly sad as I love him and just want to check he's okay too after the hurt I will have undoubtedly caused. 

No urges to gamble all week even with an (albeit small) amount of money in my bank. I checked all the bans were working and it seems watertight which is good. 

Thank you for the support. 

Well done on not only being honest but taking action to prevent the gambling. There's more females than you realise that gamble I'm in my 2 single and wasted so much gambling it's an easy trap and takes courage to stop but you've done the hardest bit being honest I admire you for that because I lied and covered it up which i never recommend.. I hope your husband has time to take this in and support you in your recovery x

Have you managed to stop Lou Lou? Thank you. All the positivity is making me feel I can do this and that I just want to move forwards. I've now told another friend and I'm with her now. It's actually like therapy just telling the truth. I've lied so much in the past to cover it up Lou Lou and have done horrendous things. I could have kept doing that, kept lying, kept borrowing. But it feels good to have laid it all out. 

I hope the crying stops in a while and I hope one day I can forgive myself and make everything right. One day at a time.

hope you're doing well on you journey Lou xxx 

Good luck with it all.

You are so brave in telling your husband, isd stand by my fiance no matter what but they are all different and why im not ready to break it to mine, it's killing me but the risk is massive. 

I like that you wrote it all down, I think my fiance would receive it better like that. It's hard.

Good luck with it. Try to find the courage, I know that it's the right thing to do- no matter what the outcome for me. The risk is massive but then we've been taking those risks for years with gambling, I suppose? 

Ive not heard from my husband, so I'm not sure yet if that means it's over or he just needs time. Time will tell. It must be awful to hear. I do think the other way round that I would forgive him eventually but can't expect anything.