Hi all,
First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my post. I dare not talk to family, friends or my girlfriend about my problems for fear that they will my family will believe me to be a failure (I've always been such an outgoing and happy person) and for fear my girlfriend may give up on me.
I started gambling some 12 years ago, online gambling as a bit of fun. I think I have an addictive personality and I know that once I get drawn into things I tend to go in with things whole heartedly. I started by losing a full months wages, then getting an overdraft. Then each and every month losing most, if not all of my wages. Always the same pattern, win some money, bank the money and get tempted to try to win more and then if I lost any, keep gambling until there was nothing left.
12 years down the line I now have over 50k worth of debt, including currently 2 x payday loans which are sapping what little money I have left. In the last 3 months I have really tried. I mean installed anti gambling software. I have avoided using my computer but just yesterday I lost the last 320 I had in the world to slots.
Why am I posting this, I feel so deflated as I was on a real high when I didn't gamble. As I said at the beginning of this post the world doesn't know I have a problem, looking at me, I'm a confident 32 year old, but underneath I'm sad and mostly stressed about my predicament. My friends are all getting houses and cars, whereas I have to consider each and every penny I spend. I juggle my finances and feel bad when friends or my girlfriend asks me to do anything. I often react angrily and lash out at loved ones (not physically), but always feel bad afterwards.
I have no one who understands and whats more I don't want anyone to get involved in my world. Its an incredibly selfish attitude but I feel my problems are my own and for me to sort.
Anyhow, thank you reading this. I typed all this out to admit to myself I have a problem.
Hi joe
I can relate to what you are saying. I have found the only way to stop is to install K9 software and have no money myself to physically gamble. It was the hardest thing coming clean to my husband he is still the only person who knows about my gambling but I got to the point where I couldn't control myself and had no money to even but food or petrol. He has been fantastic.
I have so much spare time now I am starting to enjoy my life once more. I too used to react angrily when asked to go out for dinner or go away as I would be worrying about getting the money even though I was only gambling it away anyway and also I would think to myself what if it was that night that I went out that I was destined to have my big win! Ridiculous now thinking back at it. I have struggled over the last coupe of months to stop completely as my addiction was also online gambling. I am slowly sorting out my finances, I have contacted stepchange for help.
Believe me it does get better. My worst day was being paid on the Friday morning and by Friday evening I had gambled over 1200 on slots and spent the weekend a wreck. I hope that you can continue to stay strong.
Hi Reesay,
Thank you for what you said, I can identify with everything you mentioned.
I too have found it incredibly difficult to speak to people. I once mentioned that I had a problem to my parents and though they bailed me out it was heart wrenching to see my mum cry. She cried not for the loss of money but because she said that it was hard to see me, her son, with nothing to his name wasting everything. I felt as though i had lost all sense of pride with them and felt a complete failure. Likewise I mentioned some of my problems to my girlfriend and she broke down in tears. I have always felt like a strong personality with all the solutions and very rarely ask for help. I therefore keep all my problems to myself including all of my gambling and the fact that I have used credit cards and 2 x payday loan firms to keep afloat. This is amongst loans and a large overdraft and several loans I have with friends and family who are in no hurry to get their money back.
Despite all this I am hopeful. Its been 2 days since I gambled and using this site as a vice I do feel a little better and optimistic. I do hope I can stay strong, its so difficult when the smallest thing sets me off. I wish you luck, it sounds as though you have taken some good steps with getting to a solution and hope that you continue and gather pace on sorting your own finances and getting your life back on track.
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