Hello

Gosh did no one reply to your thread? Are you still around on here?

Gosh did no one reply to your thread? Are you still around on here?

Hello thange you might have more response on f and f, but you might be ok here. Who knows if cbt works, change way you think, maybe. Counselling from gamcare, maybe. Who knows what the future holds. Not liking GA is a common excuse, but another thing that works for some and not others. If you want to help him, you can't, you can be supportive to an extent, but tough love is best. Being unable to get to money is usually best way to control damage. Don't have joint accounts, you control money if he is willing. My cg on his 3rd meeting as in venue, he likes this group better and is finally accepting he can't gamble at all. Doesn't handle any money anymore. Took him 20 years, but today he hasn't gambled. You can learn about living with gambler from counselling, gamanon meetings or this forum. You sound pretty calm, so I guess you're used to it. Don't pay his debts. That just sets them free to go on another mission to win, but they never do. They can't stop. Online software to stop gambling sites, self exclusion. Find out if there is more debt. Get him to start a diary on here or join the challenge. Can't think of much else, don't think it's stopped, as you know it normally comes back unless you take control. If he really wants to stop, hand over the finance to you.

Hi Goodbye My Husband and Merry Go Round, I do like your names!

Thanks for replying to me, I think my calmness is due to the fact that I have an ex husband who also gambled but I didn't have a clue until I found he had run up around 50k debt in my name. That was ten years ago now and with my current partner of seven years I have ensured we kept our finances completely seperate so whatever happens I know I have security. The main reason I divorced my ex husband was due to the debt and the gambling so my current partner knows I won't put myself in a position where it hurts me financially again, I cannot go through that again, it destroyed my credit, meant I was living on nothing for years even though I had a decent job. It almost broke me. It's amazing how having bad credit and CCJ's can affect your everyday life.

I understand what you mean about the tough love but I am struggling with that, I have maybe been too understanding. The first time it happened I went nuts, I said if it ever happened again I was out of there. It's now happened several times and I really don't know what to do for the best. Although it doesn't directly affect me financially at the moment I know it's only a matter of time before it will and we both have good jobs so I've been planning for the future, I am finally in a position where I can look at buying a house, I am saving to start my own business, etc. None of what I am planning will be possible unless he sorts it out.

I have been reading lots of the threads on this site and it's helping me lots to understand my own situation. I have told him about this site so hopefully he will join too and talk to people who are in the same situation as him and try to understand how they have go through it.

I think for us some kind of counselling is the way forward but as I've seen all over this site, I shouldn't be the one setting it up, it's up to him to fix it.

Thanks for the advice.

Hi thange, repeating same behaviour and meeting another cg is a sign you need to have some help and support too. As I said you need to learn to deal with a cg, not enable them. Load online blocking software, don't pay his half. Let him know how it's affecting you. Stand by what you say, don't make threats and not follow through. It's unacceptable behaviour that is affecting you and your relationship. Of course it affects you financially, think of what you'd be doing together if he wasnt wasting money. You end up going without or paying his share. Whatever you think gambling affects everyone connected to the gambler.

I know you're right Merry Go Round, I think I have been in denial somewhat and I need to snap out of it and be stronger.

It's tough and you have been in this situ before, so must be like a recurring nightmare. Call gamcare and get some advice, go to gamanon for real support. You can do this, take control.

Thange I can completely understand you being in denial. When I look back now I think there were definitely signs but he explained everything away as being due to business finances being down and I believed him. I now can't believe how I missed it all as it's being going on for five years pretty much every day (online gambling via phone) Even things like not wanting much dinner so he could leave the table as quickly as possible and get back to his phone. I remember least week he actually brought his phone to the table whilst we were eating and I looked at him and he realised and turned it off.

I am shocked at how calm you are, having gone through this with someone else. You must get this sorted before it ruins both your lives. I've been in it for 23 years and although I do love my husband I have now made the decision to divorce. Unless he is willing to do this and be committed it won't work.

Thanks Merry Go Round and Goodbye My Husband.

It does seem ridiculous that I've ended up in the same situation I was 10 years ago and I didn't spot the signs until it was too late. I am struggling to understand the severity of the situation as we are both to an extent avoiding the issue. We have put some things in place that might help, part of it is for him to give me money every time he gets paid and I will save it for him. At least that way if he relapses he won't be able to spend much. Also we are going away for a couple of weeks so I am hoping as we'll be abroad and he'll be unable to gamble that time away might help. He says he started doing it again as he was bored in the evenings, I work away sometimes and when I'm not away I am in bed early due to my early starts, but then I don't want to be watching his every move, wondering if he's gambling again. Though I seriously doubt the issue has just finally been fixed, I think we have a long way to go.

I don't know what to do for the best though, I don't want to keep on at him or he'll just hide it from me, but I do want him to get some sort of counselling. He has said he will but I haven't seen any evidence of it yet.

Goodbye My Husband you are very brave to have left after 23 years, I was 7 years into my marriage when I discovered what was going on and it took me another year to have the courage to end it. I wonder what state I'd be in now if I hadn't, considering I'm only just finishing paying off the debt, well done you!