Dear All
My husband admitted he had a gambling problem when I accidentally found out as I saw it coming off one of his statements. Since then he said he stopped and that hes only done it once. I dont know how long he was doing it (He said it was about 1.5 years). I knew nothing about how people act when they have such problems, I've never been exposed to such things so I wouldnt know the signs. We are in a lot of debt, alot of which is on my name and I am having to pay it off. He told me he didnt want me to keep mentioning it when we first had the conversation and since confiding in my sister, she said he must be still doing it as you cant just 'switch off'. I dont know what to do, I cant help in if I dont know that he has an issue. And I dont really trust him any more as all hes done is keep lying to me about money. Any help?
Give the helpline a call lost_wife! I'm sorry to hear of this predicament & have to completely agree with your sister...It is incredibly hard to 'just stop' & many people here, crying out for help still can't do it. I'm not sure why the debt is in your name but him telling you not to mention it is a sure sign that something is amiss. There's an awful lot to take in with addiction & you really need to try & protect yourself from anymore financial damage. Us compulsive gamblers are very adept @ getting money from anyone & anywhere when our cash flow runs out & although it may be the deceit that is hardest for you to handle, the secrecy is something that is of utmost importance to him as that is what allows him to continue.
Call the helpline for guidance, keep talking to your sister (anyone really) & posting here for support & try to decide what you are willing to live with. He's caused this problem, not you, so should be supporting you as you try to come to terms with it...Bad tempers, manipulation, secrecy, they're all tells! You are right not to trust him but if both sides are willing to work together, you can come back from this - ODAAT
Dear ODAAT
Thank you for your reply. I am a bit heart broken by reading it. You have pretty much described him. He is so secretive, very paranoid, very bad tempered and approaching anyone for money behind my back. I think I need some help myself. I have had sharp stomach pains for a week and I think they are stress related. Its so terrible as I have been roped into it through lies 'can I borrow this and I'll give it to you straight back'. Being his wife I didnt think twice, but then I never got it back. 🙁 So we only just finished promising 'no more lies' on friday. I feel if i dug a bit I would reveal more and it scares me
Yes, you really do & GamCare can help you with that...Some of the other loved ones here have used the counselling services & found it of great use! In any case, you can ring the helpline as many times as you want or need to. Is there a GamAnon group near you that you can get to? It is for friends & family & there will be a wealth of knowledge & support between the walls if you can.
Promises are very easily broken, we don't like the people we become whilst in the gambling fog but it's still very difficult to get out of it. If he's borrowing money & you're not seeing any of it for things that you guys need as a household then chances are he is active & that glance that you had of his account may just be the start. Will he allow you full access to his finances & all 3 credit reports? If not, why? He's admitted a gambling problem, either he wants help or he doesn't & if he doesn't, there ain't a lot you can do to change his mind 🙁
This doesn't exactly sound like a happy home @ the minute so well done you for telling your sister & don't let him talk you out of telling anyone else that you feel can offer you support. I know you said in your 1st post that you want to help him but the only way to do this is to help yourself 1st. I'm sorry I don't have anything to ease your pain but it's no good me telling you it's all ok when the road back from here is long & stressful.
1st things 1st, try & get some help for you - ODAAT
Hi lost_wife
Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting. Great words of advice from ODAAT.
Sorry to hear of your situation. Remember you're the victim in all of this. Everything you have said are tell-tale signs of having a CG as a partner. I should know as I'm a recovering addict. You mentioned you were in a lot of debt, do you know the true reason why? What was this money spent on? I dipped into our ISA without the wife knowing, I took out a car loan for a greater amount than what the actual car I was buying was worth. Just a couple of things to tell you the lengths I went to just to get funds to gamble with. Being in denial is a major part of being a CG, along with all the lies and deceit we can and will pull the wool over anyones eyes just to feed this terrible addiction. I've already posted today on my diary, that last year if someone had told me I had a gambling problem I'd have laughed out loud. I was in denial........
I'd avoid conversations with the wife regarding monetary things. Changing the subject or even causing an argument because I didn't even want to go there! What an @ss-hole I was!
You've done well confinding in your sister as she can will be on your side if things take a turn for the worse at home.
I'm sorry to say this addiction too hard to fight alone. If it is proved your husband is a CG then your in the right place to take the next step. There's a few members on here who are the wife's of CGs (Cynicle-Wife and Half-Life) both have first hand experience on what you'll be going through and they tell it how it is! It wouldn't surprise me if they post on here later........
So until then I wish you all the best. Any questions please ask. Shep.
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