Hello to all,
This is the first time I've written about my gambling habit or discussed it with anyone else except family, my psychologist and one conversation around 10 years ago with someone from gamcare. I have been a gambler since the age of 12. We used to holiday in the Isle of Man and the moment I walked in to an arcade with my parents was the biggest turning point of my life. The lights/noise stimulation was the buzz. I played the 2p falls mostly but one day I tried a fruit machine and loved it. I was brought up in a seaside town in Northern Ireland in the eighties and as I became older I was drawn to the arcades. It was also a social hub and there was a group of around fifty of us who would all use the arcades as a meeting place. We quite often would use the arcades in the day at the weekend then start drinking nearby and head off to house parties or clubs that we could get into underage.This part of it was fun and I have many good memories but sadly for me the gambling part got a grip on me . Eventually I left home and moved to England , got married and now have three kids. 1,3 and 12 yrs. My story is so long that I could write a book about it but the short story is that gambling has stayed with me. I have learnt to control it over the last few years and understand myself much more which has helped to minimise the financial impact. This sound ridiculous but gambling itself has been my coping mechanism to curb it.What happens is when life's problems arrive as they inevitably do from time to time I end up on an online slot site . Play for a day or two spending more time than I should and only bet the minimum. Then I get a little P****d off when I lose because you'd think that maybe just once I'd get lucky but logically I know they are rigged. Then I recognise that it could spiral and I close the account with self exclusion. After this I probably won't play again for another six months or so then repeat the same process. A couple of hundred quid gone but a clear head again. I never go into bookies or arcades and don't actually enjoy them anymore. I enjoy the slot games online and even have a free one on my tablet which I am about to get rid of.
I have come to a point now where I feel I am ready for the next step which is total cessation for good from any form of gambling. I have so many experiences to share with people , especially when it comes to slots and hope that I can offer some comfort to those who are at that really low point. I have been in this battle for so long and I feel like it's coming to a close for me with victory. The wounds will heal.
I have never gone more than six months without gambling and now I'm going for it. To put this in perspective during the last 30 years I have probably lost over two hundred grand but in the last five years only about 1000 or so.
I would love to become a gambling counciller one day.
Hi Silversurfer and welcome to the forum.
Your story has many similarities to mine and the good thing about the forum is that we can see that we were not alone in experiencing. these feelings.
In my recovery I realise the addictive power and danger of these machines. I am fully aware that the people who design and manufacture them know exactly what they are creating and how they will profit from the misery of others.
My earliest gambling memory is that of a sleepy village in northern Scotland. I was actually bored out of my tree and the only thing I was interested and indeed excited to be doing was playing a fruit machine in the local chipshop. I spent my entire day thinking about sneaking out with a pocket full of coins to play it.
There is a draw to the d**n things and over the following decades I always had a very unhealthy addiction. Any fairground or seaside arcade, I would be drawn in like a moth to a lightbulb
I also used them to escape my loneliness in pubs. I wouldnt dare talk to anyone whether the room was half empty or full. I just liked to escape into my own trance and experience chemical emotions with a machine. A machine which would cut my night short and leave me walking home in a deeply depressed state.
I could have gaps and even a year away but it was never under control because I have always been a problem gambler and the machines triggered me to be like that. I darent add up the money that I put in over the years and I just used a coping mechanism for the pain. It was never money I could afford to gamble away . It gets complex in that maybe I wanted the pain of self destruction because my life was aimless and empty. I was an escape gambler because I wasnt coping with life.
My main binge gambling was arcades where I can recall £500 sessions and in 2015 a whole new level of stress and depression related gambling. Machines have always triggered repeat gambling to extinction.
Now Ive finally done something to stop it for good. Proper self exclusion blocks and I just dont visit dreary pubs. I have visited the doctor and am undergoing counselling.
If ever I feel threatened by their presence in a diner/pub with family I let the barstaff or manager know Im not to be seen anywhere near it. In not really so threatened now but I feel annoyed that the machine is there.
Ok I get glazed looks sometimes but it makes me feel better in a positive sense. I dont create a scene and dont always have to do it. I make sure Im not alone and busy enjoying a family meal.
So I am now finally seeing things clearly. Thankfully I have never gambled online but I am not complacent and think about anything I may ever be tempted to do
Its a lovely feeling being gamble free . I feel truly serene at times. I like the forum and try to help others when I can.
My very best wishes to you
Hi silversurfer. Thanks a lot for the support on my recovery diary. I know what you mean about using gambling as an escape/release. I have done that a few times when quitting in the past and it was OK when I would lose straight away. The worst thing that happens is I get onto a winning streak on the slots. Then I get drawn in again. I spend more and more time on min stakes at first then i increase stakes and that's where I win a lot quickly but then get caught out and lose it all and kick myself. Then in frustration deposit a lot chasing the lost profit. Silly I know.
Recently I have managed to stop myself depositing too much and self exclude each time.
I think you have the right idea in planning to stop for good and I am sure you can do it.
Stay strong and feel positive.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
