Need to start taking responsibility

@lp5vut869c 

hi, thanks for replying, I am going to try and get to the chat rooms at some point soon, I think talking it out will help me.

Having this forum is really helpful, and it’s comforting to see all the posts and advice , not just from the point of view that others are in the same boat but also you all offer really good advice ! 

 Day 6 today : ) 

@lp5vut869c 

hi, thanks for replying, I am going to try and get to the chat rooms at some point soon, I think talking it out will help me.

Having this forum is really helpful, and it’s comforting to see all the posts and advice , not just from the point of view that others are in the same boat but also you all offer really good advice ! 

 Day 6 today : ) 

@lp5vut869c 

hi, thanks for replying, I am going to try and get to the chat rooms at some point soon, I think talking it out will help me.

Having this forum is really helpful, and it’s comforting to see all the posts and advice , not just from the point of view that others are in the same boat but also you all offer really good advice ! 

 Day 6 today : ) 

Hi Catlady

I couldn't agree more. For me, getting things out meant connection and moving away from isolation. I would also say that alongside the chatrooms, posting my full story on here was liberating. It wasn't easy and I only did it when I felt ready but to put out my life, one that only I knew the full story was amazing and made me feel so much lighter.

Hi Catlady

How has the week gone for you ?

@lp5vut869c

hi Stuart,

 It’s been good thank you ! It’s been 10 days since I last gambled and right now and feeling ok. 

I have been looking at some of the discussions  on here and one thing that I have come to realise is that previously when I have stopped I haven’t actually addressed the reason why I gamble , so inevitably when a few months pass and I think oh I’m ok now and not addicted anymore (wrong !!)  then of course I get drawn in again.

So I really need to understand that I am and always will be a gambling addict. And I use the surface reason of trying to get my money back as an excuse to gamble- but that’s not the reason I gamble. I gamble to escape.

It’s also helping that I’ve come to accept that this isn’t something I can overcome and then move on, I will always have a problem with gambling. And it’s ok to take this one day at a time. 

Hi Catlady

Have you been to B & Q this morning and bought a nail gun and cartridges ? You've nailed recovery on the head

When I joined GA I started reading the literature and thought, there's not a great deal in here about gambling, beating urges, blocks etc. In the 12 steps to recovery which are used over most addictions, it mentions gambling once. When I started the steps I was asked to buy the big book from AA. First question to my sponsor was do we change the word alcoholic to compulsive gambler and he said just read it. 

As you say, gambling is the solution. It's a very bad one but it's not the problem. The problem is within. There are people out there who have years gamble free but they aren't happy and still fighting the urge or missing something in their life.

The 12 steps, and I'm only on step 4 has changed my life. 

Hi Cat Lady,

Great progress reaching day 10 and glad to hear you're feeling okay. 

Those blocks are a life saver, if all else fails then those safety nets are there to delay and help prevent the stumbling into active gambling. I so wish that I had put Gamban on my devices two years ago, but it is what it is and I'm seeing this as part of the learning. All we can do is focus on today and the next step we take forward :).

I'm not sure if you've been able to make it to any of the chats yet, but they really are a safe space if you find a moment where you're able to join. The 8pm one is well attended and there is huge depth of community and connection in there. 

Glad to hear you were able to work logically through the debts and have identified a monthly budget. Five years is manageable, and every day your GF and sticking to your budget, you are a little bit closer. Little by little, and the persistence will pay off. 

Amazing you can see how much better life is without gambling, and so much more wholseome in the use of time and connecting with family. 

In relation to your last post, I similarly have continued in cycles of gambling where I have just decided to stop but because I didn't work on the problem I have become entrenched in gambling again and again. I've found counselling really helpful and would recommend it. Gamcare referred me and I have weekly phone calls for 30 minutes, where I go out for a walk and we talk and we set an area to focus on each week. I would fully recommend it, and it has given me another point of accountability. Throughout reading forum posts I've also identified that my problem is much deeper routed, and when I've really reflected on it I now recognise that my personality, behaviours, past trauma have really led me and ended up with me resorting to gambling - I am now about to start therapy to try and work through and address some of the deeper setted issues. Have you been able to take time to try and reflect on how your own life journey has brought you to this point?

All the best to you, one more step forward - Fran 🙂

Hi Cat lady

How are you getting on

@lp5vut869c 

hi Stuart ,

 am doing really well, thank you . Day 18.

Am having a tea break at work and thought this would be a good time to check in ! Have had a great weekend, my eldest did something I am really proud of him for, and we managed to get out in the sunshine for a bit which always makes me feel good.

Am feeling a bit more accepting that this isn’t something I can conquer and move on. All those times I’ve put blocks on for 6 months, or kept one or 2 accounts open just so I can have  little bit of a play, but is never a little bit , the cycle is always win, lose , then chase . Every time.

If I had stopped completely 2 years ago I would be just finishing off paying off my debts . Because I didn’t I am now 30k in debt and have also spent my 9k savings. That is so f*****g stupid . I am such an idiot and I cannot afford to get further into debt.  I am trying very hard to balance knowing how bloody stupid I have been with not dwelling on the money because that then becomes an excuse to gamble again.  The most bonkers part is that I am usually pretty sensible with money, I don’t buy expensive clothes or make up, or luxury stuff , i wouldn’t dream of spending thousands on a shopping spree, but somehow would spend thousands in a day bloody gambling. What an idiot .

The good news is that I have accepted that having a little bit of a gamble is a no go for me.  And actually I don’t even like who I am when I’m gambling ! Just have to remember to keep on top of those times the voice creeps in oh half an hour won’t hurt , or just a couple of hundred quid won’t hurt . It will. It will hurt and it will lead to more worry and more debt .

I cannot emphasise enough how helpful these forums are - I don’t engage much but I am reading , and seeing all the posts and stories really does help.

Thank you : )

Hi Catlady, thats a major move forward. It was a bit easier for me to know after 44 years of never giving up that I had crossed several lines and could never have another bet again as I know where it would lead to. I think as long as you stick to that, even not buying a raffle or lottery ticket then you can do this. 

I agree that whatever form of turning up you have like coming on here each day, it works. It's more accountability. Gives you good connection with the community either reading, posting or coming to the chatrooms.

So pleased to hear you are doing well. 

@42bqfru9xs morning cat lady, wow reading your recent post resonated with me so much, I too would never dream of spending that money on make up or clothes, but yet spend hundreds on gambling, I resonate with that so much - all that money I would spend, yet my bras would have holes in they were that old!! i also had the same thing with keeping a couple of ways to access gambling, convincing myself just 30 min won't hurt. I also had the feeling of once I get on top of my financial situation again I will just play for fun then now and again in the future. one of the advisors on the live chat told me that was my brains way of not being ready to fully let go of the addiction - convincing yourself that it can still be there 'for fun' in the future - almost like a grieving process and your brain is not ready to fully give up on it. it made a lot of sense to me. 

the main thing is we have stopped now, and writing out your experiences like you have here, gives you a place to come back to. I am on day 10 so not too far behind you, have you found the urges starting to not be as intense? I found yesterday I am still having urges but they don't feel as intense and don't seem to last as long. so I feel like I peaked at about day 7, which was just an awful day but I got through it. 

well done so far on your journey, loved reading your post and resonated so much with everything. sounds like we are on a very similar path 🙂

Sorry for chiming in but I loved reading posts like this with support, it's what this site is all about, resonating and replying 

@n6vy1o2hpa 

hi Hopeful 

Thanks for posting , yes I think we are on similar journeys , and it’s really good to feel part of a group of people who understand : )

The urges have definitely slowed down , and I’m not thinking about gambling when I wake up and go to bed anymore which really helps.  I am being careful to have plenty of distractions around , puzzle books and reading are my go to, and I’m listening to podcasts when I’m making dinner. I think keeping your brain busy does help , especially if you are able to distract yourself , and definitely avoid social media and tv with ads as well if you can.
 
That’s really interesting about the brain tricking you and the grief of not gambling, it really resonates with me, I am feeling a lot more comfortable now with the idea of never gambling again than I ever have previously if that makes sense.

@lp5vut869c 

hi Stuart ,

  Chime in as much as you like  : ) 

 This forum is all the richer for having the help and support from people who have been gamble free for a long time, as well as a good place for us who are new to the ‘journey’ to meet and support each other.