I was in a relationship with a CG for 9 years. I had to end the relationship a year and a half ago and im really struggling to move on with my life. My ex CG has moved on long ago, he lives with a new partner and they are now having a baby. After everything I find this very hard to take. There are sadly many stories I could tell of him telling lies to try and hide his gambling. Things reallycame to a head when I found out he was having an affair. On top of the gambling this was one betrayal I just couldn’t take. He blames this on the gambling and me. Throughout the relationship he has blamed his gambling on me and his mum, at times he will take some responsibility but this never lasts. He’s apparently been to ga and addiction councilling but to this point has continued to gamble. The last time he spoke to my mum ( who tried to support him) he said he’s in 80k worth of debt. I still worry that it was all partly my fault. We have a 5year old little girl togeter and above all I’d like to be able to forgive him. Not for him but for me and my girl.
Hey Holly, it's really sad to read your story seeing you blame yourself. As a compulsive gambler, the lies are arguably the worst part of the addiction as it can really ruin relationships and the guilt from living essentially a doube life I think makes it harder to stop unless we are transparent about the problem.
In saying that, it's not an excuse and he should be taking sole responsibility for the things he has. It sounds as though this is very much not the case and I suspect it's because he doesn't actually want to change even despite the enormous debt he is in.
Although i'm sure it's really hard, in reality you are a lot better off without him and it's absolutely not any of your fault.
Thank you so much for your reply. On a good day
I feel like I’m better offsituation but on a bad one I feel like if I’d handled things in a different way could I have changed him. Could we have had the life he told me so many times that one day we would.. the debt doesn’t seem to effect him he still carry’s on going away for weekends, always has new vans etc. He rents an expensive flat but if I ask for Extra money for our daughter he can’t afford it ( he earns a large amount of money per year through his own businesses) he draws large dividends to pay for his addiction and takes out loans etc from anyone who will lend. He also borrows from friends telling them it’s for his business. Sorry for the rant I just feel so lost!
Hi Holly I'm sorry to see you here and the effect being involved with a cg has had on you. I'm wife of cg so understand the lies and betrayals. Firstly this has nothing to do with you. A compulsive gambler will blame everyone and everything but themselves. Gambling is their choice as is continuing until they have dragged everyone down with them is as well. He is an addict and is now lying to someone else. It's funny I've asked before what does forgiveness feel like? I guess it's acceptance. You have to worry about you and your daughter. He's an adult making more lives unhappy. Be thankful it's not you. If you're struggling call gamcare and talk to someone. Ask for counselling. You need to learn to let go. You will be connected to him forever because of your daughter, but if he's not admitting to his addiction he won't be functioning as a parent should. You and your daughter deserve so much more. Would you really want to be living with an active gambler with £80k debt? Please get some help with moving on emotionally. It will help you move forward and not pick another partner who doesn't value you.
Hi
Firstly nothing you or his mum have ever said or done has caused him to gamble. If it's someone else's fault it's not the gambler's so they'll blame anyone and anything rather than themselves to justify staying in action.
If he's still actively gambling he's building a house of cards. It's unsustainable and you and your daughter are far better off out of it. CAB may be able to give you some advice on getting financial support for her onto an official footing but I would also echo the advice from MGR about getting support for yourself in moving on.
Thank you so much for your very valued messages. I have been given 8 free one to one sessions and I have also started taking a low dose of citalipram so hopefully I can start to see things clearer. I am living in the past and I need to move on. I have cut all contact for him which has massively helped but it’s my Daughters first Xmas play on Monday and he has apparently asked his mum to contact me about it so he can come so I’ll have to see him then. I know this will be very hard but I’m going to try my very hardest to be polite and positive! I was really reluctant to come on here or go to a meeting because I didn’t want to feel like I never stood by him but this has really helped me. I thank you all so much for sharing and your support
Thank you so much for your very valued messages. I have been given 8 free one to one sessions and I have also started taking a low dose of citalipram so hopefully I can start to see things clearer. I am living in the past and I need to move on. I have cut all contact for him which has massively helped but it’s my Daughters first Xmas play on Monday and he has apparently asked his mum to contact me about it so he can come so I’ll have to see him then. I know this will be very hard but I’m going to try my very hardest to be polite and positive! I was really reluctant to come on here or go to a meeting because I didn’t want to feel like I never stood by him but this has really helped me. I thank you all so much for sharing and your support
Hi holly no one would judge you or disagree with your decisions. You've been very brave to make that choice to walk away. You don't have to support a compulsive gambler or stand by them. I'm so glad that whatever was said gave you the strength to seek advice. Try not to worry about him turning up at the Xmas play, enjoy the children singing their hearts out.
Thank you. He held a glass to my head and told me he felt like he could kill me in the last argument we ever had so I feel like I had no choice. The problem is I think I STILL Have feelings for him. I’m not sure what they are. Thank you for saying I’m brave. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve tried meet someone else but emotionally I am a total mess. I feel like if he stops them maybe it was partly my fault. I know I’m probably sounding crazy but I Jeep going back to these thoughts
Hi holly your counselling will help you get rid of those thoughts. You're going in the right direction, doing something about it. Addiction makes people into monsters and that's what you've seen. It's his choice, it's self destructive. Just keep remembering you've done the best, safest thing for you and your daughter. Hold your head high!
pushing them Thank you. I’m obsessed with it I really am. My councillor said there was once a lady who was married to a Alcoholic, she tried to stop him driving her car by jumping on the bonnet. He carried on driving... I feel like I’m that person and I still haven’t let go! But I’m trying and coming on here has really helped. I always worry that the new girlfriend will succeed where I’ve failed even though I know it has to be HIM that stops himself. He always tells me he’s stopped and that it was my fault in some way. I think that went on for a very long time which has left nagging doubts in my mind. I have met other people but I find it all really strange when there nice and end up pushing them away. Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it x
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