New to this but not to gambling.

Hi Shep,

Thanks for replying. Yes there are meetings near me which I am prepared to attend.

I know I have a problem. I knew I had a problem last time but I think it was the embarrassment of other people knowing that kept me from attending GA. I guess I thought I was maybe above having a gambling addiction. Pretty sad really when you think about it.

The best I have felt over the last couple of months is when I sat down and self excluded myself from various gambling sites. Felt like I was taking control. Now to tell my wife and face the consequences.

Hi Iain,

I could go to a more local GA meeting but I travel an 85 mile round trip to one further afield, probably to save any embarrassment of anyone locally finding out about my addiciton, only my wife knows at the moment. Also over the last 8 months I've made a GA friend who has also swapped his meeting venue to travel further, (and to a better meeting and group as he tells me). So we can share the travel and have a good open chat about life.

I don't care less about the cost of the travel or the wear and care on my car. GA is still the best therapy to me and at very little cost. The wife understands that GA is my recovery even if this means 1-2 evenings a week not being in the family home. However when I consider all the time I spent gambling at home in my own little bubble (or personal hell) I lost a lot more time and money than I do now attending GA.

Its' a struggle and a fight but there can be better days ahead. Look how you felt when you self excluded. YOU were in control when you made that step. Now on to the next step and so on.............

All the best.

Hi Iain

Sounds like you're moving on from our conversation earlier, in answer to your question some was savings and some family money that was for something else, so yes I'm in debt to family.

I went to see a therapist last week who listened and was helpful although advised I didn't need any 121 as I had now stopped she also softly tried a bit of upselling to a residential stay at a clinic. She did advise to go to GA as well which I went to some years ago for a bit, I think I will consider it although I'm finding this site quite helpful at the moment.

I get why you feel that if your wife had taken control of your finances last time you may not be here now but I suppose if we take as long as we do to recognise our addiction we can't expect everyone else to understand what it entails and what needs to be done to try and prevent it in the future, if you're like me you probably told her it wouldn't happen again and you was over it and back in control of your life.

As Shep says if you ask her to help you and admit you have an addiction maybe she will stick with it, however I was thinking about you over the weekend maybe if you get kicked out then you can work your nuts off to win her back, even though I haven't been kicked out I've got a way to go to put this right and I'm sure there will be some resentment along the way as to where our life now is.

As I said before mate maybe tell a close friend first, that might help if you are finding it hard to tell your wife.

you'll get there mate stay positive

Chris

Hi Chris and Shep,

Thanks for taking the time to write, any help is greatly appreciated.

Still in the position of keeping this secret to myself and trying to find the right time to tell my wife. However I know it has to be sooner rather than later. It's the thought of it that absolutely terrifies me. It will break her heart yet again. Yes Chris I did swear that it would never happen again. And 4 years ago, yes I totally believed that it would never happen again. But it has and I guess there ain't anyting I can do to change that.

I'm not great with words so am also in the middle of writing a letter to her. I'll obviously tell her to her face but I know I'll end up rambling on like an idiot, so maybe writing down my feelings, explaining what I feel has happened and what I plan to do to change and pay off my debts will help a little. What do you think?

However it's eating me up inside, all the guilt and lying that I've been doing. As you said Chris I may well get kicked out and I'll have to accept that. If it does happen I will be trying everything in my power to win my family back. Not sure where I'll go mind you. Still haven't had any urges to gamble again though which I guess is positive. At least my debts aren't increasing. Writing on here is actually helping, sharing my thoughts even know none of us know each other it does help.

Kind of feeling like I've hit my rock bottom now. I guess the one good thing is I've realised where I am and what I've done and the only way is up. Instead of getting up this morning and betting on some random under 19 football teams that I know nothing about. But cos some random on Facebook or Twitter has tipped a bet it must be worth backing. I actually thought I was quite an intelligent bloke but some of the things I've done are mind boggling.

Hope you all have a good day.

Hi guys,

How is everyone getting on?

I wrote my letter which was a struggle. Could hardly see the paper through the tears. Just need to find a time to drop the bombshell now. Struggling to function and sleep now so know I need to do it soon. Again in a guilty way I felt better once I'd written it all down. Hard to explain though as I have no real idea why I gambled away so much money.

Wish I could believe that my life will be so much better once I've told her. Really can't see her being very accepting of what has happened. Need to man up and accept it I suppose and try and get back on track.

I feel your pain Iain. I told my partner last week, but only because I was about to be found out and pretty much had too. I owed her about £100 (which I borrowed because I spent all my own money gambling) and hadn't paid her in 3 months and she wanted to see my bank accounts.

At that point I told her everything. I had too. I had always planned I would tell her once I was in a better place and so that she could see I had made progress, but in reality I'm sure I would have just kept it hidden. After all that's what us CG like to do best.

She was upset and annoyed I hadn't told her earlier as she could have supported me. She took it a lot better than I expected to be fair. She demanded that we go through my bank accounts and add up all the money I had gambled this year. She then gave me the money to get out of my overdraft under the rule that she can log into my online banking at the start of each month. Totally acceptable.

It really does feel good to get it out in the open and to have someone to speak to about it. You have to accept your other half will be annoyed at you, but hopefully in time this will settle and you can talk and she can aid you in your recovery. I feel there really is no hiding place anymore which is obviously a good thing.

I wish you all the best, and hope it all goes well.

RA

Iain,

Good news on the letter being written. The tears aren't a bad thing, it just shows the truth hurts. Whether you leave her the letter or read it alone or you read it out to her is your decision.

The part you wrote above about "not knowing why you gambled away so much money" is quite a coincidence as this was what I said last night at my GA meeting. In being asked what I had changed I my recovery my answer was basically "my decision making". In the bad old days the addiction made me make some terrible decisions, which eventually took control of me. Now I've faced up to my addiction (like you are to do soon) I've made a decision to stop gambling and start recovery. Today I've made a decision that I won't gamble. If I have a thought or urge about gambling I need to make a decision on how to change the scenario. My addiction is not in charge anymore I am. If I make a decision to let the addiction back into my life then I will have some very difficult decisions to make in the future.

Sorry if I've waffled on there! Take from it what you wish.

All the best mate, keep this thread updated to how you get on.

Shep.

Hi Iain

Hope you're coping its a horrible place that place of just before coming clean, but I couldn't have carried on without telling as I would have got found out eventually. I've been 5 weeks clean now and if I'm honest the initial honeymoon period is over if you can call it that, and now the reality of how long it is going to take to earn the money back is a stark reality. However I have my health as far as I know and the constant devil on my shoulder has gone, the feeling guilty every time my other half said anything nice to me has also gone, the guilt is still there but the living the lie isn't which is the main thing. I too like previous comment now do not have control of my finances so it will be very difficult to gamble again without anyone knowing, I now know exposing it to all my close family and bosses is the best chance of it not happening again. I know you may not be as lucky when you tell your wife but it's the only way of returning to some sort of normality. Another thing I am not doing anymore is looking at literally everyone I see, in the street, in the supermarket, in the pub, at work and thinking how their lives are so normal and mine isn't because I have this secret. Now I look at everyone in a normalway again, just another little thing that returns to normal once you open up.

The letter shows just how much of a difference it can make to talk about the truth and your emotion is because you are a decent person showing remorse for what you've done. You may have already told your wife by the time I've written this so I hope all is as well as can be expected if that's the case.

Keep strong mate

Chris

Hi guys,

Good to hear from you both and thanks for the kind words.

Haven't come clean yet, always trying to find the right time which never seems to come round. Really don't want to tell her when the kids are around as the last thing I want is for them to see either of us upset. Christmas is creeping closer now too and don't want to spoil that for the kids. Not sure I can go another 7 or 8 weeks carrying this around though. I feel like the worst husband/dad/person that has ever walked the planet. Maybe this weekend coming.

The letter is really just cos when I do tell her I will get totally tied in knots. Whatever happens I will fight so hard to keep my family together and do absolutely anything I have to to keep us all together. Even if I do get thrown out, I won't stop fighting to prove how much I love them and need them. One minute I feel terrified of how it will go, next minute I have this feeling of relief that I am finally facing up to my problems and am going to do something about it. Thinking I need to tell my mum and brother as well. Don't know why but I feel like I have let them down so much too even though I haven't affected them financially.

Amazing what you write about the way you look at other people Chris, I do exactly the same. Driving to and from work is also a battle for me as everyone seems to drive new cars these days and I look at them thinking I will maybe never have that luxury. For all I know they may be in more debt than I am, it's so stupid. Need to start concentrating on myself and my closest a lot more than I do currently.

I haven't gambled for 4 weeks now and have already had the realisation of how long it will take to pay my debts off. I reckon 7 or 8 years. However I can live with that if it means I'm not throwing all of my money away on such a stupid habit!

Hi Iain,

Nice to hear from you. I can remember trying to find the right time and place to tell my wife last year. Really difficult working around certain dates on the calendar etc. However I couldn't cope anymore, Valentines day was approaching and I thought I about putting it off again but I needed to it out in the open. Hope you find the courage to do it this weekend and it goes as well as can be. So I'll send you my early Christmas wishes, so when the dust has settled, here's to what I hope is a great family Christmas with a successful New Year to concentrate on your recovery! I'm really looking forward to being gamble free this year and being in attendance 110%, not just in body like the last few years, with my mind elsewhere!

All the best.

Hi Iain

Nearly there mate, the thing is your're caught between relieving yourself of this burden and taking the risk of it going wrong for your family life, a difficult position and one we've all been in, ultimately if you are definitely going to tell her, and that is definitely the right thing to do, then you may as well get it over and done with, as your life and recovery can't truly start again until you are honest with your nearest and dearest. I would definitely tell your Mum and brother as their support will be invaluable especially if it doesn't go well with the wife, you need as much support as possible. Well done for not gambling for the last four weeks similar time to me. Good luck with the weekend if it's to be this weekend.

Remember mate you're a decent person otherwise you wouldn't be having those thoughts about being the worst husband/dad in the world. You can put this right in time so keep positive, you are already on the road to recovery and a life free of the lie and the loneliness of living with it.

Speak soon

Chris

Hi guys,

It's Iain here. I have changed my username as the original one was the same as the login I used for most gambling sites so wanted to get away from that username.

Hope you are all well.

Iain

Hi guys,

How is everyone doing?

Hi,

Been away for a few days. Heads in a good place! Need to update my diary too. Where does time go? How much time did I spend gambling, and during this time what did I and others miss out on? I call these the "bad old days"........

Have you moved forward Iain? I understand where you were coming from with the "timing" issue. However no-one wants to be alone at Christmas and I hope if you tell the wife before she understands and you can have a great family festive period.

How is your mind set at the moment?

Hi Shep,

I am still in the same preicament regards revealing the truth however I haven't gambled so I guess that's a good thing.

I've decided that I'm going to keep queit until after the Christmas holidays. I know it sounds selfish and probably the wrong thing to do however it's not about me being alone at Christmas. I probably deserve that. I have it in my head that I am doing the right thing by keeping quiet so that the kids have their dad around at Christmas. I have excluded from all the sites I used (sports betting) and I have no desire to gamble. I have accepted that my debts are not going to be coming down by winning at gambling. However my debts aren't going to be going any higher either. If I was to come clean now we certainly would not be having a great family festive period even if we are still together.

I have a lot of work ahead of me which I am prepared to put in, not only at rebuilding relationships but at stopping gambling for good. I am under no illusions this time. I am a gambling addict and I have proved to myself that even if I have stopped for 2 years I could quite easily start again. It's happened before and I now know there is no reason it can't happen again.

So basically my mind set is pretty mixed. Feeling really bad that I am still carrying this secret but at the same time feeling a bit more positive as whichever path my life is going forward on, it will NOT involve gambling.