New to this but not to gambling.

Morning Iain,

Even 8 months was a great achievement. Without sounding harsh you can't blame anyone but yourself for the relapse. My wife doesn't check the financies as often as I like. I also noticed she doesn't have the banking app on her phone! However I made her a promise and I'm now at the 8-9 month stage. Your correct when you say "it's down to the choices you made." I'm aftaid it is as simple as that. You need to ask and prove to yourself why it happened, then sit down with the wife a hopefully get another chance.

I had over £10k of credit card debt. I still have around £5k. But it's all on one card now, with a £90 a month repayment that I can afford to pay. I didn't go the debt management route as I was worried it would effect my credit rating and therefore new mortgage deals when it comes to finding a new deal. Again something I think you need to discuss with the wife. I know everyone's life's are different and I'm not giving any financial advice, just stating what I did.

Good luck with it. Hope you make head-way soon. How many days gamble free are you now?

iHi Guys

Just reading this thread and thought I might share my story, I have gambled for 28 years with large "clean" periods last one being four years. Every time I started again I thought somehow I was now going to be able to control it. Each time I have lost different amounts because of different financial status at the time. This last time started 18 months ago and stopped 3 weeks ago. I have gambled away mine and my partners life savings. Even though the financial implications are bad the worse part for me was living a constant lie for 18 months. I hit rock bottom be evening 3 weeks ago and told my work and my family the next day. I have been incredibly lucky and all of them including my partner and mother of my children of 22 years, who has now been through this 3 or 4 times have supported me, their support feels totally undeserved. I hope you're wife sticks by you Iain but one thing I can say is the relief of no longer pretending every day that you are ok and pretending to all around you you are ok is immense. Even though I have set our lives back considerably and I still hold the guilt for this I (selfishly it feels like) am in a happy place just to have come clean to all around me. I can now focus on getting better and making amends. I am hugely fortunate to have a good job and unbelievable family and I hope I can stay away from gambling to repay this support.

"Wanting what you have" has resonated with me as that I believe is part of my problem, always wanting more.

I really hope all goes well for you Iain the only thing I can say is come clean and get it over with I felt like the lady 18 months were a living hell, trapped in like a double life, I will now have my partner controlling my finances with my salary going in her account and my bosses know so it will be difficult to start again when and if it reappears.

Good luck to everyone out there still living through this, it can be overcome I am going to no matter what it takes, it's been only three weeks but I love life again.

Hi Chris,

Thanks for posting. Your situation sounds very similar. The last time it happened I had £30k debt on credit cards which we remortgaged and paid off £20k.

This time unfortunately is almost double, just over £55k I have in credit card debt. Last night I went on clear score and looked at my credit rating. It shows the credit card debt going up and up over the last couple of years. If someone had sat me down 2 years ago and showed me someone else's credit history doing that I would've been stunned that someone could have been so stupid. Especially when they have a beautiful family, house, job. I just kept chasing and chasing and chasing until I can't chase anymore. Always thinking that the next couple of months I would get on a run and win it all back. Struggling to come to terms with that actually.

The debt is all I think about now. All day at work, when I get home I have to go upstairs sometimes and burst into tears at what I've done. I wake up at 4.30am almost every morning sweating.

The one positive I keep thinking is that when I do come clean, then as you say I won't be living a lie anymore. No matter what happens that's it, no more. I say to myself that I love my wife and kids so much, more than anything in the world.... but how can I when I have created this destruction?? If I was a caring, loving husband I wouldn't have done this surely.

Hi Iain

yes we do sound similar and I have done exactly the same over the last 18 months and had the same thoughts. Guilt basically, looking at mrs and kids on a daily basis thinking they deserve better and what a let down I am to them. That's part of the hell the constant guilt, and although I still feel guilty I am no longer letting them believe the life is somewhere it isn't. I haven't told my kids but my mrs and mum and sister and bosses. If it helps mate when i couldn't take it anymore and came clean to everyone I told one person at a time whic I think helped. My figures are worse than yours although the actual figure is irrelevant really it's just surreal when you think of the size of the sums we are talking about. I too thought about it more or less every minute of every day waking up thinking of it dragging myself out of bed to face the normal world but with this burden.

I also questioned my love for my family and how could I be caring if I did this to them, however I spoke to therapist recently and said the similar to her , although because I've already come clean I said how selfish I felt for being happy and feeling good, she said that not all addicts feel remorse and guilt like you and I do however lots do, and the addiction quite often goes against what we normally stand for and our normal moral structure, in other words you are a caring, honest father and husband but your addiction trumps all of that and can make you the opposite.

another thing I relate to is the "all I need is just one more run" I hadvthese runs as I'm sure you have where you're clawing it back or so you think but then you go back to zero again and re invest and it starts again but each time it's more depressing to put more in. The run unfortunately is the worse thing for us as it keeps us from ending it as we live in hope we can get it back and then stop and no one close will have to know.

Try and pluck the courage up to confide in someone close, if not your wife first then maybe a close friend or relative or close colleague, but you must tell her eventually, when I did I was lucky however I wouldn't have blamed her if she had had enough this time, but even if she'd left me, my life could not have restarted until this was out.

Try and end it mate and if and we all hope your wife sticks with you make sure she or someone has control of your finances as it s hard to still gamble if you're salary is paid to your wife or she has you Internet bank logins, but one thing at a time mate get it off your chest first.

I don't know you obviously but happy to help wherever I can as we share this affliction but it's beatable I'm confident of that.

Hi Chris,

Thanks mate. I know it sounds strange, but it's really nice to know I'm not the only one going through something like this. And I'm sure there are many more.

I remember the relief last time I came clean, I went to bed and slept for almost 12 hours. It was probably the best sleep I'd ever had. I'd just turned my wife's world upside down and here was me getting the best sleep ever. I really can't believe the mess I've got myself into. Now to find the right time to break the news and see what happens.

Whatever happens, the main thing is to beat this addiction once and for all and rebuild.

Yes weird isn't it that's why I felt guilty for being happy I'd just dropped the bomb to my Mrs and upset her but felt better myself hard to get my head round.

Try not to leave i too long mate as you need the stop the debt.

If you ever want to talk I'd be happy to swap numbers as i agree it's comfortong to speak to people that have had or having similar experiences just let me know. If not no worries I can always lookout for you on here

Hi Chris,

The debt can't actually get any higher Chris, I've maxed out my credit cards. I'm making the monthly payments with a bit of juggling but basically covering the interest.

I have been researching debt solutions. I know it will take me some years to get out of this mess. We remortgaged the house last time and tbh, even if it was suffested again, I don't really want to go down that route as it just enabled me to gamble again last time. Hoping to change the house and mortgage into my wife's name. My thinking is that then the house will always be in safe hands and my name is no longer linked to hers as that's our only financial connection.

I'm actually feeling a bit better today having read your posts again and realising that I'm not the only one. Last time my wife said that it could never happen again. I don't know if we'll be able to get passed it this time but I really hope so. I love her and the kids to bits. I guess your wife went ballistic last time it happened?

Hi Iain

Not particularly she was more shocked than anything else as she really thought the last time it had happened about 4 years ago was the last. She was obviously upset and there were tears, I said I wouldn't blame her if she had had enough, as it had been 3 or 4 times now but this is by far the worst, like you mate I love her and my kids so ultimately didn't want tot lose them but had resigned myself to the fact that it was my fault if I did. I suppose they trust us because they don't realise the nature of addiction which I haven't realky in 28 years but I think I'm getting to grips with what it really means now, that I will never be out of danger, hence why total exposure was my only potential way out, to make it as difficult as possible so when it rears itself I can't do it without being exposed. Not having control of my finances is the biggest as the temptation has manifested itself in my case when I'm doing well and have access to money that won't be noticed until it's gone if you know what I mean, similar to credit cards I suppose eventually I suppose the debt can get big enough that it will become difficult to hide.

If it helps in anyway my Mrs also said last time would be her last however to be honest I was amazed how supportive she was, I lost money belonging to family as well and they were also supportive.

I hope your wife can stick with you after the initial shock and upset as that will help, the more support we have can only help us.

The one thing I would say is once it's out and your closest get over the initial shock you can really focus on what you need to do to stay clean with your wife's involvement, the feeling of relief once it's over is great albeit tinged with guilt, at least you can start living honestly and focus at work and home. I'm spurring myself on by thinking about putting it right if that's possible or at least making amends the most I can.

It's a biggie owning up and I was really nervous before I did it, I confided in a close colleague first, actually my boss and he was incredibly supportive but once I done this there was no turning back and I then did my sister and then my Mrs all in the same day. It was a strange couple of days after that but if I'm honest I have been incredibly lucky and life has returned to normal pretty quickly, obviously there will be times to come where I'm sure it will be brought up in arguments and rightly so, I am the type of person that's quite outspoken and the will knock me down a peg or two and remind me of my weakness whic won't be bad thing.

All of our situations are different and I feel for you still living with this on your own, so whatever you do mate, whether you tell your wife or not, I think you're better confiding in someone it's so therapeutic to get it off your chest and if it's someone that cares for you they will help you through trying to get your life back in order and ultimately stopping gambling.

Good luck Iain whatever you decide mate and I'm always here to chat anytime you need, as talking to you and others helps me massively as well as I hope helps you.

Chris

So true

Sam Crow wrote:

Hi Redham,

Quick fixes appeal to all CG's, it's the way we think. Lose some money - try and win it back straight away. Need to pay for a holiday - easy, just win the money needed. Large debt through gambling - just go bankrupt and/or don't pay it back.

It's the same with recovery. You will often see a new member in the first few days 'wishing' they were on 100 days or 1 year gamble free like a fellow forum member. Most if not all would, given the chance, simply blink their eyes and a year or 5 will have passed and they are debt free. Quick fix without dealing with all the problems and obstacles along the way. The journey itself is more important as recovery is about so much more than just abstaining from gambling. It's a chance to re-evaluate our life and look at our defects of character. It helps us understand what's really important and that our loved ones just want us to be happy, they don't want the big house and fancy cars and holidays that we try to 'win' by gambling. It takes hard work, a lot of hard work. This helps us grow into better versions of ourselves as the struggle makes us stronger. Happiness is not about having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

In summary quick fixes don't work. Any happy and successful person would tell you that.

All the best

A gambling addiction makes you question everything about living a normal life as it merely wants to be in control.

I can honestly say I questioned if I would be better off alone (so as said above makes you question the love towards your family). Would a different job suit me better. Don't do "normal family things" because there's live sport on and that comes first. All because the addiction was in control of me.

Hi guys,

Hope you've all had a good day.

To be honest it's the debt that worries me more than anything. The gambling has stopped, blocks in place, but coming to terms with how much money I have lost and will have to pay back is a real stress and worry.

I know there are debt solutions out there and I have every intention of paying every penny I owe back. I don't know if you are in debt Chris or if it was all savings, but I feel that the reason my wife won't be able to get past this is that the debt is gonna be a constant reminder of what a loser she married 10 years ago. I feel more disgusted in myself every day but just can't figure the right time to come clean. It's gonna have to be soon though.

It's like you said Chris, I actually have prepared myself this time to be kicked out. Last time I never genuinely thought I'd have ended up single. Perhaps if I had been, even for a bit, I wouldrealised what I'd actually done. It was all kind of kept quiet, the only other person that knew was a close friend. We remortgaged so the debt just vanished. And my wife didn't want to look after my finances, which in a strange way im my head I'm blaming for the mess I'm now in.

It's amazing how the mind works sometimes.

Hello Iain

Thank you for posting your story here. You've had some great support from forum members. I just wanted to add that there is a lot of support out there. It sounds like the last time this happened, you and your wife remortgaged and then didn't address the actual addiction behind the problem. Now you're facing having to tell your wife that it's happened again. You also said that this time the debt is very much front of your mind and you're researching solutions. If you look on the Get Advice section we have a list of non-profit debt helplines who can give expert debt advice:

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/finance-and-debt-management

We can also provide confidential emotional support for both you and your wife. Our counselling is free and focuses on your gamblng addiction. Why not give us call on 808 8020 133 to find out more? or you could contact our Netline if you prefer. the link is at the top of the page.

Take care

Forum Admin

-Thanks admin.

I think neither of us actually wanted to believe I had an addiction. However what didn't help was that I did go and see a councillor last time, told him I never wanted to gamble again as I'd lose my wife and kids and he said I clearly didn't have a gambling problem. I never covered up any of my story to him and he didn't really seem interested.

It wasn't organised through this website but I could find out who it was through. Makes me a bit sceptical about council king to be honest.

Also my wife didn't want to look after my finances as she didn't want her credit rating getting mixed up with hers. If only things were different back then.

Hi Iain,

You have to forget about the debt for a moment and move on. Tell the wife and then address the debt situation together. Seek further help from whatever avenue you both wish. Honestly try GA. Is there a meeting near you?

All these pressures you're putting on yourselve are not good, they will only make you worse.

I know you may be scared of losing the wife and family (I would too) but at this stage to be found out by your life about the new gambling and debts is going to be a hell of a lot worse than actually owning up to it. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you need to take a step forward......

The quote you made from your councillor only strengthens the point I made in an earlier post about myself trying GA compared with councilling.

Try telling the wife that you "now know you have a gambling addiction" and cannot hide away any longer. This is what I had to do my friend, I couldn't control my gambling, the addiction had me beat and was taking me down and my family would have followed.

Wishing you all the best.