After nearly 2 months of being gamble free, I have relapsed but fortunately (or so I think) I have been bit controlled. I found another website from this Youtube streamer that I signed on but fortunately added the daily deposit and loss limits. For last 1 week, I have been playing small bets (blackjack has started to appeal more than roulette) and I am not in a loss yet.
I deposited 100 and was previously 460 but I am now 350 and I am terribly upset about it but cannot play because of the limits installed. I had withdrawn 300 and have got 50 in play account (went from 100 to 210 to 50 (absolutely angry at myself)). In a fit, I deposited another 100 but the loss limit did not let me play it so I calmed down and withdrawn the 100 again.
I did not go back to enjoy the thrill but in all honesty I am unable to get over my loss of (17K+) and cannot understand my state of mind when I did that. I think i had written before this plan of making 50-100/day to recover at snails pace. The strategy worked for 1 day and for the next 3-4 days, after getting close the target I tend to play more feeling confident and all.
My wife has been supportive and I have lied to my parents that I have lost money in stocks, but internally I am not able to make peace with the hard-earned money I had lost and want to get it back asap and gambling keeps trying to tempt me in. I had thought of doing extra work but due to family commitments I am unable to even think of it. So for now, I have to wait for monthly salary from which there is some saving after all the bills.
I have gone from a confident, feeling moneywise safe to an internally unsatisfied person who keeps cursing at himself for blowing away the money i could have used for buying a house, which I did not do just because Mrs and I did not get along on a few things. My work is really good and kept me busy until last week.
I am sure many of you would suggest going to see the counselor etc but I highly doubt if it will help me forget the monetary loses. Honestly, it is the self-respect, the confidence I have lost in myself. I keep looking at my stocks (left-over) and counting on them to fill up the pot to a certain extent but they all need time.
If I put it another way, I have been a role model in my family, sort of still am to a few, but I do not see myself that way anymore and feel like running away from everyone in obscurity.
Hi tornsoldier...I really feel for you because so many things you have said resonate with me and how I also viewed myself. Gone from a confident, feeling moneywise safe to an internally unsatisfied person etc....that was exactly me as well. 17K is alot...and it was alot for me too when I lost that amount...I was totally devestated and felt exaclty like you do now...broken and all confidence in myslef gone. A shell of the person I used to be. But guess what...I didnt learn my lesson at 17k...I was so broken that I went on to chase that money....and ended up losing in excess of 100k. Please do not become like me...STOP NOW...it will get worse. Those empty feelings will subside over time and you will earn that money back...much quicker than you think..once you stop gambling. I sometimes struggle with the monetary loss mentally...but its not even the money sometimes...its that alweful feeling of being so disappointed in myslef. I am so much smarter than this...and worked so hard to even get this money in the first place...how could I have been so stupid etc. But those feeling get less and less as time goes on. Money comes and goes and your self esteem will return once you stop. Stop now...and start to heal. If you dont that 17k will seem so insignificant once you have doubled that loss because that is excatly what will happen I can promise you that. I am speaking from experience here! I only wish that I had reached out earlier...10/12 years ago when all this started for me. I had no idea about addiction...I really did not understand it...did not understand that it is a progressive illness etc. Read as much as you can about it...and other people stories. They really help to understand what this illness is all about. I wish you the best...please stop now..life gets better so much faster than you can imagine. Dont be like me...dont let that 17k become anymore.
Hi Valdab,
Thank you so much for your response. I am sorry for your loss and I do not think I will be able to live after such an abyss. So, really kudos to you for getting through it. These feelings and internal conflict just deflate me everyday and no one is aware of it.
I know what you mean...I too struggled from those same internal feelings and conflicts...totally deflated...borderline suicidal. No intent of suicide but certainly had the thoughts. And sometimes that is the thing that helps me not to gamble day by day now...because if I cant control the gambling, I dont know if Id have the mental strenght or energy to go though such a loss again. I dont want to be another statisitc of suicide through gambling. And there are many people who have not gotton the help, or managed to find the coping mechanisms within themselves...and that is unfortunaltey the end of the road for some. I am sitting here typing this...thinking oh no...that would never happen to me...but if you told me when I was 30 years old that you will bet a few hundred and 12 years later you will have lost in excess of 100k...I would have laughed at you...coz oh no...that would not be me...I would never do that! Its from reading other peoples stories that I have finally realised that Im not special, I am no different, my addiction is no different, and if I dont stop I may end up no differnt to those who couldnt see a way out and ended up with a mental breakdown or worse, dead because of it. Absoutely no one knows of my addiction...except maybe the credit card people who have seen 12k go through on one night through numerous transactions of chasing losses!! I dont think anyone really truely accepts that things can get worse...until they do. No one thinks they will get cancer etc...that always happens to other people...not me. Until it comes knocking on your dooe and punches you in the face etc..No matter how bad you feel inside right now...no matter how much money you have lost, things can get worse and they will get worse if you gamble again. And when and if you gamble again, you will think back to that time in your life when you had only lost 17k and you will desperately wish that you had stopped then. I did not lose 100k in one go...I never had that amount of money ever available to me. I went on a series of bingle gambling...eg. lost the first 1500 ever, chased it..up and down for months and ended up with 15k lose on that binge. Shocked the heck of of me...did not gamble for a year or so. Built up my savings again, got my life back on track but the 15k was always always eating me in the bockground of my mind. It was MY money, I wanted it back, I had worked and saved hard to have it, I must get it back somehow. So a year later I was on a mission to try and get at least some of it back....and I did...again up and down etc until I had now lost another 20K on top of it. Back to square one again....no savings. Slog my b**t off for next 2 years...no gambling...just work and save back up until I have money in the bank again. And over and over again, I repeated the same sorry cycle of frantic binges to try and recoup some of what I had lost over the years. I count my blessings becuase I have never gotton myslef into more debt than I could reasonably manage. I would usually not gamble until I had some excess money in the back....it almost all came from savings and bloody hard work. But that doesnt help the aweful feelings I used to have...imagine how much more I would have if If i never bloody started gambling...its the devil. My friends or family have absoutely no idea....and I dont know if i would ever tell them. I dont want to ever...but i am aware that if this addicion gets hold of me again i could end up with a breakdown and i would have no option but to come clean....or take my life...and they would all wonder why...the person who on the outside who seems to have it all...why would she commit suicide. They would wonder for years...and they would have no clue unless they saw my computer history or bank statements. That is the hard part...going through all these aweful feelings alone...struggling...but no one aware of how you are feeling. At least your wife is aware and is supportive...that is very helpful.You are braver than me by being able to tell someone. I am not brave enough to open up so I battle on alone. I am aware that secrecy really can drive this addiction...so you have done the right thing by being honest with her. Not everyone needs to know...just tell the people who you trust and know who will support you. Those deflated feelings will lift...the sun does shine again. Please stop. I am rambling but if i can prevent one person and stop them in their tracks early in their addiction....and help them see that it is a progressive illness and will progress, then I am happy.
Also I just want to say to you...about the monetary loss. Lets say you have 17k in the bank saved. God forbid you got sick and couldnt work and had to live off that for a year....the money would be gone, you would also be changed mentally from it..from being physically sick, and from the mental exhaustion of trying to exist on your savings and wondering when you will work again etc. You might be thinking...yeah but thats different, I was sick, It wasnt my fault I got sick. I lost this 17k through gambling, through my own fault. Getting sick and having to spend the money to live is different. Yes...it is..in a way. But the end result is exactly the same...you have 17k less...regardless of why you have 17k less...you now have 17k less. So would you rather have 17k less and be in full health and able to earn an income....or be 17k less and in poor health and wondering when will you be fit enough to work again. Sounds like a stupid question...but the point i am trying to drive home is that money comes and goes for various reasons thoughout life....Even if you hadnt gambled that 17k...you might fnd that you didnt get to keep it anyway...it may have been sucked up on something else. The issue is really not about the money...I used to think that it was but Im learning its about a bigger void in my life that I have been trying to fill and escapism thru gambling was unfortunately what i turned to.I always believed it was about money...its never about the money. But the money is the one tangible thing that we can blame it on.
Hi Valdab,
Thank you for your comments and help. The point regarding falling sick for a year is a good strategy but I doubt if my mind will make peace with it. I suppose I have to keep trying and not fall into this pit again.
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