Hi, just signed up to the forum today after my most recent binge gambling. My obsession is online roulette but recently turned to online slots. I am very well aware of the cycle of gambling, chasing the losses etc and thats what I have been doing. I Swear time and time again that I wont do it anymore and boom there I go again...just 200...ok my daily loss limit is 500 so i might as well use it to at least get back my 200 etc. I am a bingle gambler in that I hadnt gambled for a year or so...and then just one flutter on my brthday of 100 has led to being 7k down 2 months later. I have done this before...lost 1k and chased it and chased it til i was down 10k in one night. I was devestated and vouched never to do that again. So o as you all know the cycle continues...another 12 months prior I repeated the same thing. I would lose a huge amount in a few nights chasing my loss of that binge...cold turkey then and starighten my life and just as my bank balance is sorted and life appears good...here I go again.
My gambling started 12 years ago with a boyfirend at the time who would bet. I didnt even know how to place a bet at that time and would never got into a betting shop even. So I discovered ***** online as a way to place the bet. And wow the horse won..I made 160. On the same page in ***** was a link to some game so I gave it a go...won some lost some but decided to let it alone. We had moved country and there was a casino in our new town so I would go with my boyfriend from time to time. Again I had never been to a casino before...he was the gambler. So I started playing and before you know it I was hooked losing hundreds. Difficulties occured in our relationship (nothing to do with gambling) and I found myself signing up to an online casino to play roulette.I was sad, lonely, and in a country where i didnt know many people and about to end a 5 year relationship. Looking back I hadnt a clue what I was doing...how to play..how to withdraw etc...had no idea about any of it.But it was an escape and I was devestated and completetly shocked that I had lost 1500 in one night. I couldnt believe how stupid I was.
Anyway...long story short this is where the real trouble started. I became obsessed with getting that money back. We had since split up so I think I was upset and lonely and felt if I had my 1500 back then all I had to deal with was the relationship breakup and not to be dealing with money loss as well. So the chase was on...I lost 25k in a few weeks...won it back plenty times in those few weeks but of course it was never enough. I was moving country again so had the proceeds from the sale of house and car...another 25k down on top of this!. I didnt gamble after that for maybe 2 years. And then along comes another binge session of online roulette...down 12k in one night...and another 10k to chase that loss. No more gambling for 12 months and same old story back again. In the last 12 years I have gambled online in binge sessions...gambling for a week or 2 at a time and then cold turkey...nothing again for a year or longer.I have gambled about 12 sessions maybe in those 12 years but I had lost up to now about 100,000 shock horror. I started again like I said on my birthday with a 100 online..lost it and went back a month later to have a little flutter as I had some extra cash.
After losing 4k on this latest session I purchased gamban for my PC and didnt gamble for a few weeks until the urge to get my 4k back hit me and I started up again on my phone (I tried to put gamban on it but it was not supported by android).So I have now spent another 3k trying to get my 4k back...and we all know the result...7k lost in a 2 month session. I "only" lost 500 last night..and 500 the night before! Its amazing how 500 seems like nothing when you have lost some much previously over the years. I get no satisfaction out of winning a 100...im aiming for 1000's! so small returns and small bets dont do it for me anymore.
Again i am only too aware this this is a classic gambler progression problem. Long and confusing post maybe but just typing as I think. I am lucky in the since that all the money I have lost over the years is money I have earned so as of today I am still "OK". Once payday comes I will have no credit card debt and still have some savings of 17k.But this is a paltry sum for a 42 year old who would have had so much much more if I hadnt blown the bloody lot over the years.I have no other debt besides mortgage...however I have no long term savings such as pension and that very much worries me. I do have an addictive personality as I smoke and have done since 17 years of age. I think I must kick both these additions together. Im educated, have a good enough job and you would think I am smarter than that but I guess thats the nature of the beast...it doesnt discriminate.
I really really thought after my big binge 2 years ago that I would never again do this.I remember the devastation at the time...my creit card limit was 8000 and the bloody bank allowed 12000 to be used...still disgusted that they allowed this when my cc limit was 8000. And I think this is really why I am finally reaching out...is becuase I thought I was in control now after that last big loss...and am just realising that I have been very much in denial. It has to end now because I know as much as Ive lost it could and can be much much worse. Where will it end...could i get so carried away with it that I could get into serious debt and lose my house...or take my own life because I couldnt handle the losses. I would have always said...no way...I woud never go that far...I would always make sure I had enough for bills etc. But just this week I have become aware and from reading others storeis that it can awlays get worse...and that is a very scary thought...to think that I cannot trust myself. My rational brain says...its ok you are not that stupid...but Im only just after learning that my brain goes into a trance like state and even if I won 100,000 back in the morning that would most likely feed my gambling addiction to try and earn some profit for all the stress that comes with losing and wining.I surely deserve some profit!. So I have put a self exclusion on many of the online sites...have gamban in place on my PC and contemplting leaving my bank cards at work so I cant access them at home. Im feeling confident that I wont do it again..but there are so many d**n casinos online that if truely determind then its just too easy to set up another account. Absoutley no one knows of my online gambling addiction...and its only online that I gamble. No one knows what I have lost over the years and that is the bit that is probably the hardest. I do think that if i confided in someone then I would feel more accountable for my actions...but I know how I am...independant...got myself into gambling addiction and huge losses...I need to work on that myself...and it only affects me thankfully as i am single without dependants. I doubt very much I will share my problem with family or friends.I am on here so that hopefully this online support can help me before this beast attacks again and I am forced to share this info with family or friends becasue I have got myself into serious trouble and have no other option. I am noticing a pattern that my binges come when I have extra money...I had been working alot of overtime more than usual (just by the nature of my job...not because I needed to pay gambling debts). I also got some tax back in february and I can see now that its when I have more money I go on these binge sessions.Thanks for listening...this is the first time I have ever admitted it to anyone and it feels better already putting it out there, even if it is to an anonomyous online community. Thanks...help me please!
Hi Valdab, Thanks for sharing and well done for addressing your issue with us.
Over the last 10 - 11 years I must have lost ridiculous amount of money and failed numerous times to get a grip on this illness. I even thought that I could control my gambling and make an extra regular income off it. How stupid was I? I failed to realise that once you are a complusive gambler there's no way you can control your gambling habit. The only way to stop it is by not having any bets whatsoever in any shape or form.
I'm 42 days into my recovery and I managed to achieve this because of coming clean to my girlfriend and my family. I know that you would rather not share your problem with your family and friends, how about going to your local GA meetings? Have you thought of getting online counselling? Maybe you could hand over your finances to someone close to you. As long as you have access to your cards and access to gambling sites then the tempation will always be there. My girlfriend is the account holder of our broadband and she's got them block all access to gambling sites. I've got gamban app installed on my phone. I have all the necessary preventive measures in place and it's working so far. I hope you will find a solution to put stop into your gambling habit. You have managed to stay gamble free almost 2 years and I'm pretty sure you can do it again and this time forever. I wish you all the best on your recovery.
Pras
Thanks so much for responding to my thread. I think I will go see an addiction councellor privately. I am afraid to go to the likes of gamblers anonomyous as I would be petrified of meeting someone I might know even if I went to another town or city several miles away...that thought terrifies me. And yet I am aware that its this secrecy that allows me to continue ruing my life in private.
I am studying a course at the moment and had been consumed with that over the last 6 months...I will be finished completely in about 6 weeks so the stress and time consumption of that is whats preventing me from adressing the problem immediately. I am promising myself as soon as these next 6 weeks are over then that is my priority...to help myself by councelling. I feel that there is alot going on with me internally...and gambling is the way that perhaps an underlying depression and obsessive complusive streak is presenting itself. I have a strong family history of mental illness and I thought I wasnt affected but I think when i look closely at myself that I am actually suffering from long term low grade depression and have used different tools to deny it and cope...gambling being one of those escape tools. No one knows of my habit and the thoughts of letting people know that I am a crumbling mess internally terrifies me...No one would suspect looking on from the outside. So I keep up the facade, carry on with life but as the years go on I find myself isolating and withdrawing from things even more. I think I really need help...with my inner demons and not just for gambling. I see that my gambling is just a coping tool for something that runs far deeper. I had a good upbrining, a good family, no major traumatic events in my life and yet I am a shell of the person I used to be. I had hopes and dreams before all this started and sometimes I dont see a future. Its not that I am suicidal...but the thought does enter my mind that if I dont stop this now, get help and address whatever demon addictions I have then could that be me...is that the way my life could end?.
I have shown other symptoms of addiction/impulse control also in eating habits. I am either on a strict diet and lose tons of weight very quickly and easily or I am binge eating and piling it on. I have gone though this cycle on more times that I care to remember.The bulimea is also something that I have never addressed or gotton help for. Interesting how my additctions are ones that I can hide very well. Again no one knows the struggle I have with food....people think I have so much will power that I can lose weight so easily once I make up my mind. And I can. Once I make the decsion and stick to my plan. Which is probably exaclty like my binge gambling...hence no issue for long periods. And the the cycle continues once I fall off course and lose control.
I am always of the attitude that I dont care what people think...but when I look closer at myself I am only just realsing that what people think of me must affect me so much more deeply that I have to hide my secrets. I feel exhausted from presenting myself in one way when deep down I am so ashamed of the type of person I have become.
I have friends and associates but none that I would trust enough to keep my secrets. I know people would promise not to talk if I confided in them but I also know human nature and the 'secret' will always get out regardless of best intentions.My mother is the only one who I would completey trust to be confidential but I do not want to burden her with the issues of an adult child.
If I cannot sort myslef out and if for some reason this gets worse (still probably in denial to myslef that it could happen eventhough I also know im not immue and it could actually happen) then I will have no choice but to reach out to her because at that stage I will most defintely have been brought to my knees and be suicidal.Thanks for listening.
I like your care free attitude. Maybe you should just walk into a GA meeting with that attitude of course when you're ready to do so. Who cares if you see someone you know in there. It's Gamblers Anonymous and whatever is shared in that room is supposed to stay within the four walls of that meeting room. It's a good way of meeting people with similar problems and helping each other out.
At least for the next 6 weeks you're fully committed to your course so let's hope you won't allow yourself to get distracted towards online gambling. I suggest you to open a recovery diary on the recovery page. It's a good way to keep track of your gamble free days. It's working wonders for me and my only regret is that I didn't reach out to this forum before. This is a great platform to help and get help.
Once again good luck to your course. I hope to read your recovery diary soon.
Pras
Gosh is that how I come across...carefree?Im anything but carefree at the moment. Again maybe I look that way from the outside...Im definately not feeling carefree on the inside. Thanks so much for replying...it means alot to come on here and see that someone has taken the time to read my story. Ive no doubt I will be grand again once payday comes and clear my credit card and start saving again. Its just that I dont want this cycle to continue anymore...fed up of thinking about all the things I could have done with the money. Fed up of thinking that I was in a much better position at 30 years old than what I am now...fed up of not seeing any furture for myslef. I need to start maying some plans and putting them into action. I need something to look forward to. My life seems very empty.
valdab wrote:
Gosh is that how I come across...carefree?Im anything but carefree at the moment. Again maybe I look that way from the outside...Im definately not feeling carefree on the inside. Thanks so much for replying...it means alot to come on here and see that someone has taken the time to read my story. Ive no doubt I will be grand again once payday comes and clear my credit card and start saving again. Its just that I dont want this cycle to continue anymore...fed up of thinking about all the things I could have done with the money. Fed up of thinking that I was in a much better position at 30 years old than what I am now...fed up of not seeing any furture for myslef. I need to start maying some plans and putting them into action. I need something to look forward to. My life seems very empty.
I really resonated with your story - perhaps being similar age and situation.
Good luck you got this!
Hi Valdab,
Thanks for sharing your story. A lot of what you said resonated with me. I, like you, have that absolute terror of someone I know finding out my secret. It brings so much shame.
Through gamcare I've started having phone counselling. It's a brilliant option for me because it means I have a lot more flexibility. And, I felt so much pressure relieved by finally telling somebody what I'd been doing. They've been really kind and not judging. It makes me think I'm not a terrible person.
Sometimes there can be a long waiting period for counselling so you might want to consider whether you sign up now ready to start after the course finishes. Rather than wait 6 weeks for the course and another 6 weeks to start speaking to somebody.
It sounds to me like you've got an ok understanding of how you are feeling but just need to take some steps forward.
I wish you all the best.
Thanks gettingbackontrack, ICan you belive I almost deposited 200 last night to play slots...sitting at home and got the urge, eventhough I know fine well what would happen...I still made a few attempts. Thank god for my self exclusions as my card was declined!! Soooo happy about that! Funny thing is that I was so strong and determined the day before and so focused that this is such a waste of money etc. I was not drinking or didnt have a bad day etc...so I am very shocked at the compulstion that came over me. I defo need to figure out my triggers. And thanks for your advice...the sooner I get to councelling the better. I like the way you say...it makes me think im not a terrible peron! This is exactly how I fee. I know im not...but hate myslef for being so stupid (well as we know its not actually stupidity...its a nasty addiction). Some of my family we talking about gambling addiction...saying that of all the addictions that they think it must be the worst one. If only they knew! It wasnt a conversation I was comfortable having or listening to! Funny coz my mother has commented on this several times and how theres loads of add on tv for gambling etc...starting to feel paranoid eventhough there is absoutley no way she could know (unless the bank divulged my info!!). Maybe my ear is just in tune to those conversations as they make me feel so uncomfortable...and guilty! Have you told anyone beside gamcare?
This was very useful for me to read. I am very similar in that I have a self destruct button that I seem not to be able to deactivate. Like you, I have lost v.large amounts in binge sessions and can put together months of abstinence. I should be far better off than I am. But I pray I can still get there if I can beat this demon. My thoughts at the moment are that I need to put a control framework in place for when I have forgotten what I will inevitably do after months of recovery. I need a coping mechanism for my stress or depression when it comes. May be this will be a mixture of having a place I go to remove myself from everything and also putting funds into bonds that can't be touched. I similarly feel my life is rather aimless and empty...it would be nice to sort this out I'm 32, so 10 years your junior but if I can try and learn from where you are at now I feel like both our experiences won't have been in vein. If I don't change I will 100% be posting the same story in 10 years.
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