Serverly depressed and dont know how to get out of this black hole.

Hi hadenoughnow your doing really really well for not gambling since thursday? I get paid on a thursday aswell my money goes in at half 2 i sat up until half 2 constantly checking my online banking deposited 50 pounds thinking thats it, by about quarter to 5 id blew the whole lot and i had to be up at 6. Its a absolute joke. The next day you just feel majorly depressed and tired and ashamed and you vow not to do it again yet every week u do! Im like you i cant sleep my minds just on overdrive i really want to gamble i really do id love rightnow to play online slots, something needs to change we both sound in the same mess im definately sending off for a online form again on stepchange tomorrow and you definately do the same. I hope this gets better because right now all i want to do is "win my money back" luckily i dont have any money to deposit anything x

Hi again feeling low. I'm doing well because I have nothing to gamble with! I spent it all last Thursday by 1am, what a joke. I do it every week and the same as you feel sick to my stomach the next day, as well as very tired and frantic as to how I will get to the next week, then I do it again like an idiot, as I have been for years. This is the first time I have looked for help and this time I'm determined, I can't live like this. I've needed a new car for 6 years! I could of bought 1 a year without gambling! I to would quite happily sit up and slot away all night hoping for features and big wins, but I also know it doesn't matter what I win because I can't stop and spend the lot anyway, so I won't play again, I can't do it to myself and my kids. I've never been lucky and now that I'm at rock bottom I'm certainly not going to suddenly become lucky so I'm determined not to even tempt it. It's not worth the feeling and struggles of living. I'm going to call stepchange tomorrow and get things rolling with my debts because I want to sort my credit rating out which I know will take time, but it's a start. Definitely self excluded from sites, I found it quite hard thinking but what if I want to come back and just try £20, but I made my mind up I'm going to stop forever so excluded from all sites I play. It's usually just an email and it's done. Unfortunately as we know we're never going to win, but hopefully we can both win and have better futures with our children by defeating gambling. I'll keep posting how I'm getting on, and I'll keep reading posts into the night to try and switch off my gambling brain! Good luck this week I think taking the next 2 days off to sort all you need to out is a great idea and hopefully you will feel a little relieved after. Let me know how you get on and any tips and I'll do the same. It's good to speak to someone without feeling an absolute failure xx

Ladies, why don't you create yourselves recovery diaries? These early days are incredibly difficult & this is a safe haven to ride out the urges! It is hard for me to see 3 of you in similar positions pop up @ the same time because it feels like the addiction is gathering momentum 🙁 Having diaries allows you to chart your feelings, offer & receive support from each other as well as other forum members!

You must all draw a big fat line under everything in the past & look to making your futures brighter so that your children don't suffer! Chasing losses is what bought most of us here in the 1st place, it is futile because we cannot win as we cannot stop!

It may not feel like it @ the moment but you get to be in control in recovery! By choosing 'no' you win every day - ODAAT

Hi, Lara

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Two practical suggestions, neither easy but both would be barriers to support you.

Firstly, tackle your bank and see what they can do for you. Having a Visa card that you can use for deposits doesn't help, a basic cash card would be better. If your wages are paid into your bank, then set up direct debits that come out on Thursdays for essentials like rent or bills. You might consider opening an instant saver account with a cash card and move the money for your living expenses into it, so that you can withdraw as and when you need to. But do think now, ahead of Thursday, about how you are going to put your wages away and out of reach of a Visa card with which you can deposit.

Secondly, change your mobile phone? You can't bet with a non Internet phone. Not trendy but it's much easier to block a laptop or desktop.

Possibly you're relying too much on will power, especially on pay day. Barriers would be better.

BW

CW

Hi odaat and cynical wife thank you for all your kind words and advice, i am going to take advice from both of you odaat im going to start writting myself a recovery diary, writting down how im feeling on a day to day basis i think may help and cynical wife im going to start using a different phone. I have a really old samsung phone sat in a cupboard the type u have to press 3 times for a letter to appear so while im getting over this im going to use it. Im ashamed of myself right now i gambled today. I had 10 pounds left over from yesterday and in the shop i went for a ukash voucher (one last win will sort my problems) gone in about 4 minutes! Im sat here crying now im an absolute mess i felt like i was doing really well yesterday n here i am again feel like a stupid idiot. When will this stop i have come to realise i am a very very weak person. Im off work today and tomorrow and i thought i could sort my finances and head out now i just feel pathetic. X

No good crying over spilt milk, you have to pick yourself up & move on! This addiction may feel like it's all about the money but sadly, even sorting out your debts will not make it go away! Your emotions will change like the wind & the urges will creep up out of nowhere!

You cannot do this on willpower alone! You have to figure out how to break your Time-Money-Location triangle until you learn to deal with your triggers & if that means a brick instead of a fancy phone, that's what you need to do!

You're not a weak person, this is a vile addiction that sucks in even the most hardy of us! You need support & whilst we are here to listen it's not the same as having someone you love be there for you or a GA sponsor who knows how hard this is! Please, tell someone close to you! You are making yourself ill & it will be heartbreaking for your parents to witness this as it is for us to hear it & not be able to help!

Gambling got you into this mess, don't kid yourself it will ever get you out! Until you accept this, you won't be able to stay stopped! You can do this - ODAAT

Yes, well, self excluding from the local shop is going a bit far, isn't it? But if you know the staff in there, could you ask them not to sell you the vouchers? Otherwise, when you're out, try involving your daughter in the buying process, get her to help you choose what to buy, maybe to over the money for the shopping, kids love to do that. And she won't choose a voucher over Peppa Pig. At two, it can be hit and miss but will be easier as they grow.

Pick yourself up, carry on and eliminate the gambling facility on your phone. Or eliminate your Internet phone.

Take care,

CW

Lara, hadenoughnow, and others,

NetNanny works on iphones. Yes most blockers cost a bit of money, but it's a lot less than you would have lost gambling so perhaps a good investment when you get paid? In the meantime you could be trying out the free trials to see if it works for you. There are more suggestions at our website:

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do#.VcC7XPlViko

Lara, and anyone who is struggling, please do call us because we can offer you more support such as counselling or signposting to other organisations who can help you. It's tough to try and beat this alone. Take all the support you can.

Best wishes

Deirdre

Forum Admin.

Hi everyone, not been on here today my daughters been really sick and off colour, we pretty much spent the day on the sofa watching peppa pig, napping and cuddling even tho she was poorly its been a nice day. Cynical wife your comment about barring myself from the local shop really made me laugh, im imaging a poster on the door saying do not let this girl in lol. I am definately taking your advice about my phone swapping it for a less hip version. ODAAT i was reading through your recovery diary last night you are such a strong person you have been through so much and come out of it and i hope in a years time i can be where you are now. I havent gambled today so i think today is day 1. I got a email on my phone saying 10 free spins on one of the sites and i never bothered going on it. I havent had a single coffee today either and my minds been thinking about missing coffee so i think for a while i forgot about wanting to "win" money. Im gonna live by each day. I need to still self exclude/get blocking software ect and sort my debts out. If my daughter is ok in the morning i am back in work tomorrow but im going to not gamble on my lunch and im going to put my focus now into writting a recovery diary asap xx

Hi ya, good to see your footsteps around the site - sad that there are so many of you mummys in this position though 🙁 Sorry to hear about your baby (& poor you having to watch Peppa Pig)...I hope she is feeling better today!

Weird that you think I've been through a lot, I really do consider myself one of the very lucky ones! I am strong & still this flipping addiction got me (grrr)! But we're fighting back ODAAT & I am living proof it can be done! Great work ignoring that email 🙂 You're gonna need to stay strong on that front...I don't think that's the last you'll hear of them! If you get a chance, have a look @ Mr Brightside's exit post in the 2014 challenge...All the excuse there you'll ever need to let this dirty little secret out! I'll keep an eye out for you over on the recovery diaries...I'm pretty sure Gamcare can switch this across for you if you phone them to save you starting another thread!

Not sure how far into my diary you got before you nodded off (don't pretend you didn't lol) but please be careful cutting down on your coffee...Caffeine withdrawal is vile!

Soz for the ramble but I've just got in from a night in front of the computer & wanted to cover the bits I'd seen you write!

Keep taking steps while you are feeling strong & try & eat something! Never stop fighting & you will get here - ODAAT

Hi, Lara,

Hope you don't get the Luther. I like Peppa Pig, I was sorry when my youngest outgrew it. And if only I had the phone number for Bob the Builder for all those odd jobs. Or better still, Wendy.

re the marketing emails, can you unsubscribe? And self exclude permanently from your account(s)?

CW

Lurgey, not Luther.

Hi ODAAT i am actually really enjoying the forums(is enjoying the right word?) coming on here and seeing new posts of people in the same situation is making me feel like im not alone. For some reason i am having trouble switching off and going to sleep even tho ive got to be up early, but instead of heading over to a gambling website i have found myself coming on here. Tomorrow is my test i get paid, dreading it. I just feel like you are a very strong person to not only fight your adiction as you have but put your focus into helping other people fight theres. I do want to gamble but ive gone 2 days now which is a first maybe i can go 3! I think im going to start from scratch with my diary just typing the words out and admitting i have a problem seems to make me feel better for that moment in time. Im not sitting up tonight until half 2 to wait for my money to be paid in im just gonna go to sleep and pray that as soon as i see the money in my account i dont go straight over to a gambling site xx

You are too kind! I have recently been looking @ the 12 step program & paying it forwards is an important part of recovery...I have done it a little bit out of order but being able to offer support is very important to me @ the moment! I read loads in the 1st few months of my recovery (because I was too daft to figure out how to get signed up) too & I learned so much...Other people's words allowed me to tackle recover head on so I completely get what you are saying about 'enjoying' the reads!

I hope you managed a sleep of sorts? Be strong this morning & make sure you pay your phone bill! Any attempts to increase your money will be a huge step backwards & you have come so far!

Keep making the right choices & look after yourself - ODAAT

How are you getting on?