Starting My Recovery

Evening All.

For anyone remotely interested in my story, I will warn you that this will be a rather long Introduction to myself and my addiction.

I have been reading this forum over the last couple of days and found the stories/responces really helpful. I have started writing a journal which mainly consists of ramblings about my thoughts and feelings towards gambling, moving on and trying to explain what has gone on.

So first of all, I last gambled on Thursday the 8th February 2015. I spent £10 of the remaining £15 in my bank. It lost.

I had exhausted all possible avenues of obtain funds to survive for the remainder of February and I had only £5 in my bank account. s**t had really hit the fan as that £5 wasn't going to pay the money I pay my parents back each month, my phone bill or see me fill my car up to get me to and from work (which is a 30 mile round trip each day).

That evening I knew in the morning that I had to grow up, that I had to tell my parents what I had done and try to get something sorted.

This isn't the first time that this has happened as back in 2012 I had help from my parents when I lost my job to pay off a rather large amount of debt I had racked up over 8 years from being a rather young, niave and stupid person. A mixture of gambling & using credit cards to pay for things that I really couldn't afford. I was given a second chance by my parents and I quickly fell back in to the depths of gambling and found myself in a similar situation. Finances had been solved and I have been paying back my debt however I stupidly took out a couple of Pay Day loans which then ate up my 'spare income' and I was really in a nasty circle.

It's really hard to write down what actually goes through my head so that it actually makes sense because everytime I write something down, it just seems stupid. But I guess the main reason that I have gambled like I have is because I have always been trying to recoup loses from what is now a 10 year period of being in the minus. It's finally sunk in that it isn't going to happen, no matter how big or how small I gamble, what I have lost I am not going to win back and I need to take myself away from this addiciton. I have gone days and even weeks without gambling and when I don't have the money to gamble, I don't find myself having the itch to gamble. But I know I am addicted because I find myself going back time and time again.

I'm tired of the mood swings. I'm tired of being attached to my phone looking at the Racing Post or what football is on so I can have a bet on it. I'm tired of at the weekends not being able to plan things with my fiancee because I have no money to do anything. I'm tired of looking at my bank statements that are full of deposits to online gambling sites. I'm tired of the constant worry about money. I'm tired of the thoughts going through my head about how can I make back the money I lost yesterday, last week, last month & last year.

I have closed all of my betting accounts bar 2, one I have to phone to close which I will be doing tomorrow and the other I have contacted via email about closing and I am currently awaiting a reply. I have also had a clear out of accounts I follow on Social Media, as I found myself being influenced by these as when I saw them winning I felt if I got involved I could win too, but it was rarely the case as if I backed anything it just seemed to lose.

Thanks to my wonderful fiancee and a few others, I have paid off the pay day loans and I have enough money to get through this month and that is all on the stipulation that I prove to myself and my parents that I am going to take this seriously and that I am not going to fall back in to the bad habbits.

Since Friday, when I told my parents & fiancee what had happened I have felt a lot better and much more positive about tackling this. I know I'll be having to take baby steps, my first challenge is not having a bet and to make sure any little voices in my head are muted, but I am sat here now telling myself, get by day by day and then when pay day comes on the 27th, that'll be the real test. As thats the day I usually go and try to make something of my wages and 99% of the time end up losing them. I am telling myself that it is normal to have money in the bank, it can sit there and that I don't have to think about 'wasting it' by gambling it.

I really cannot get my head around the fact that I struggle to realise that the digits I see on my screen is physical money. Whether it be the £224 in my bank account now or the £90 I had in my betting account the other week, it's physical money, not just digits and it doesn't matter if it's £1,000 or £0. It baffles me and I don't even know if that makes sense but it just seems that I lack any regard for money which is something I am doing my hardest to change!

I will be sure to keep posting here, whether it be updates or a response to someone else as I feel it really is good to talk to people about it (thats one thing I have struggled it). I feel embarrased, but I can't change what has happened, I can only pay my debts and make sure my future is the best I can possibly make it.

I'm pleased to say that right now, the urge isn't there. Every single aspect of 'fun' that started me gambling has long gone, it's been replaced with hate & sickness. I only hope that I continue with these feelings of hate towards gambling to keep me away from it. The most important part of 'keeping the urge away' is that I have no more chances, I have too much to lose to allow myself to slip. I have loving parents, I have an amazing fiancee and a future.

Again, I am sorry if this post has no flow and just seems to a lot of words thrown on to a page, but I have just wanted to say as much as I can about what I have experienced, what is going on in my head and what my goal is.