unwell/lost

Hello unwell,

I too have suffered from gambling for just as long. I am 47. I find that most people who suffer from this illness are some of the kindest people you will meet. This addiction doesn't discriminate. I too felt that no one would care if I was gone or not, or how much money I lost or didn't.

But like you, I was mistakened. People do care. I care, your family cares, people on this site care. I may have created a financial bind for myself, but I can recover that over time. It is my self-dignity I am having the hardest time rebuilding.

But in time, I will rebuilt my self-dignity as well.

Like you also, I didn't know how much just sharing my story is helping in my recovery. I also shared my gambling story, that I had never told anyone else. Telling people has helped me relieve the pressure of holding it in, and helped with receiving advice from people who are in the similiar situation. Now I know I am not alone.

I care and I am hoping for your success unwell, as I can relate.

Kind Regards,

AM

Thank you for this early hour email. I can see already that you are as I carrying a burden. The money its gone. Dont allow the chase which is what part of this illness becomes to take you back in. Amazing I can look at any of you and help yet I have the monster in me. I see gambling as a form of self harm, others may have different reasons but the consequences are all the same at the end of the day.

The self loathing, the whys and what have I done. The broken sleep, nightmares.

It struck me that you said you care. I had to think about that. I know my son loves me and one or two close to me but you a stranger reached out to me in this early hour and why ? because you know where i am at. You feel how I feel, you breathe as I do.

If I can help in you anyway I will.

I am here not just for myself but to give.

Thank you AM.... In whats a dark hour you show me light

Hello unwell,

You are welcome.

Being here for one another well help lead to our success. I am sure your advice will lend a helping hand to me sooner rather then later. Just as your story has helped me again realise I am not alone.

When we really think about it, what better cause can we have then to help one another and those around us.

AM

I have just read some of your posts. You mention the feeling of being lonely ontop of the problems we cause in what I still see as a form of self harm. It is very true. We go to the land of fantasy, we escape, and for that time we are in a win we are high..... we lose and the darkness of being reckless follows.

We do this because we are CG and no matter what the feeling high or low it is so intense I hope Im not out of step by saying that each feeling is one we crave. We know that a win will only provide the funds we need for our next escapism yet we risk sanity for it.

I have so much to say, so many experiences like yourself by the sounds of it.

We either carry on in a world thats so unreal and fantasy... result = self loathing

We try and live a life we are not used to and thats without gambling = revival

Its scary, like a death, a letting go of a comfy blanket. Where will we hide ? We have to find somewhere safe but this self harm can not continue. My life has no meaning, I dont know who I am am but I do know that I am deeply lost inside.

Hello unwell,

Your are not out of step by saying each feeling is one we crave. It is.

Where we hide? Well, we don't. We free our souls instead.

Your life does have meaning!

Who you are, are the core values you instill in your kids and to your family. Those values you have given in counseling. You have given them all a pieces of who you are. Reflect in them those pieces of who you are. There you will find yourself again, as I have with those I have helped.

Do not feel lost..You have me and those on those on this forum whom can help you find your way.

AM

Good morning Unwell,

Reading your post has emphasised the fact that no-one is immune to this addiction. You have mentioned your abuse and your loneliness and identified the fact that these issues might be a trigger to your escaping to gambling. As someone who has simular issues I too found myself helping so many people except myself. I am not a counsellor but always have so much going on and was so busy trying to save everybody else I forgot to look after me.

Can you live with what you have done to yourself? Yes by identifying you are an imperfect being who has made some mistakes, but is going to do their uttmost to bring changes to live a better life each day.

Can you live with what you have done to others? Yes because the person you were yesterday is irrelevant. You can't change who you were only who you want to be. People are more forgiving than you think and probably more forgiving than you are to yourself.

Can you save your soul? Of coarse you can, you have not murdered anyone, you have not intentionally gone out to destroy anyone and you clearly are remorseful for the consequences of your actions.

You have mentioned that you are an intelligent lady and I have no doubt that you are most gamblers are which makes this addiction more frustrating. All I can say is that when I started to live in the real world and stopped fantisising about a 'better life', is when my recovery began. Continuing to gamble will only make things worse. Recovery is no walk in the park and there are still days when all I could do is sit in front of a fruit machine and get lost in a fantasy world however I choose not to because I am worth more than that and so are you.

Counsellors are people too and the work they do is selfless and makes such a difference in peoples lives. I would imagine if you did get hit by a bus all those people you help would miss you!!

Take care,

Hi Unwell,

I can't add much to what the respondents on this thread have said.

I've lost thousands in the past and felt despair and of being hopeless and worthless.

I've felt like a rudderless boat in the past. No direction at all.

Nearly a month away from gambling now and it feels better than I could have imagined.

Believe me with the help of this forum you can gain the confidence to beat this menace.

People on here do care and we recognise the negative feelings associated with being a CG.

Just thought I'd put in my two penneth.

Best Wishes.

Good luck. Losing everything must break u inside. I can't imagine what would happen if it was me. I am now doing everything in my power to make sure It doesn't happen. Marc..

Hello Unwell,

I am writing to find out how you are doing. Hopefully all is going well. Write when you can and let me know your progress. Still hoping for your success.

Regards,

AM

I've been in the shadows reading. Oddly I looked at my post a few days ago and your response to ask me how things are going prompted me to re engage ! How lovely you kept me in mind after this time.

I haven't gambled for over a week but up until that point I went to the devils corner and found manipulative ways around systems something I'm not proud of at all.

I wonder how you are ? How your journey is progressing ?

Thank you for your post drew me back in the fold x

My username was unwell but lost life was my original start in 2013. There is no hiding on this difficult journey. I'm signed in as unwell but my old username is like my horrid reminder x

No worries unwell/lost life.

I have been doing well.

On occassion I feel the urge to go out, till I am reminded that if I gamble, I can be arrested for trespassing if I win. So that is a big deterent.

The laws in the US are a bit harsher for self exclusion. If you are caught in the casino with winnings, you are arrested for trespassing and winning are confiscated. But you are seemingly allowed to lose all you want. Talk about literally a no win win.

Slowly I am recovering from my losses, but it will take me about a year to fully recover.

I am glad you are doing well. I am on day 82 or my many quits, but this self exclusion may have been the final nail in the coffin for my gambling addiction.

I hope to hear more on your progress, when you have the time.

Kind Regards,

AM

unwell wrote:

I am 45 years of age and ive been gambling since I was 16 and lost the love of my life, over half a millon pounds mostly compensation award and earnings. Spent years lost in space, spending at my peak 10 grand in one night. I am a survivour of abuse in both childhood and as an adult. I suffer attachment disorders, anxiety, depression and ive been in therapy for almost 26 years. I am here because if i dont stop now i will be no more. I have been in the worst states you can imagine, the most awful grips of gambling madness and been so gripped in a bonus round ive weed in a cup so not to miss it ! Yes i could go on. I have lived on a knifes edge of what i see as self harm in this vice of gambling. Missed collecting my son in his younger years because I was unable to leave the arcade. Yes gripped as i was my love of gambling was the love above all. The escapism, the highs of feeling invincable, the lows of self horror. I am a counsellor, i deal with high level cases. I see all that I do and why and if it were a client I would be fixed..... but as they say whos going to counsel the counsellor. My gambling turned to online betting 75 pound spins.... blinds shut and in reclusive darkness. Zero to hero and hero to zero so many times Im almost tired of my memories.

I have stole money, lied, cheated the odds and for what ???? ....... Self harm.

I am an attractive intelligent lady yet Ive been alone for years because Im lost.

I have installed K9 around 20 min ago, deleted email account and god knows what the admin password is which is good as I have a photographic memory but the nature of what I keyed in I kept talking over something different in my memory bank.

I will get some resolution to the abuse i suffered but its a long journey and one I can not talk of on here but I say it as that is the bones of my journey.

I am the most loving , gentle lady yet I have this dreadful illness that I can no longer afford emotionally in my life. The money, its gone end of. I see that as if I got run over by a bus would it really matter ? No.

Can I live with what I have done to myself, no.

Can I live with what I have done to those that have loved me , no.

Can I save my soul, Im going to try !

Good luck I'm only on day 8 but I'm getting there keep it up x