Support Needed

Hi Chance

Some of what you say rings loud and clear to me, almost a mirror. We learn to lie and cheatr our way out of trouble, carrying massive shame in doing so and making all the problems ten times harder. Lies and manipulation of those closest to you almost become a daily event. We try to gamble our way out, to pay all the debt back but we can never ever win and end up in financial quick sand. THE ONLY way out is to stop, that will be financial freedom eventually but it is not a quick fix. You have paid debt back through an IVA once you can do it again.

My only advice is to tell your partner. That is the last gamble you must take, her reaction. You can't live anymore lies. If she loves you she will support you and the relief you will feel will be immense. I have been there telling my friends and family. their reactions were overwhelmingly positive and their support has got me where I am today. If you have read my diary you will know I lost my fiancee and her daughter as my illness took hold and shattered all our dreams. I am convinced though the only way to kick this is to have everyone fully backing you, it cannot be done alone mate.

I wish you all the very best and I am testament it can be done. I know your scared of admitting to your family but you have to show courage now. Look at it this way, you are living a lie to your partner and your son, they deserve to know all of you, not just the good. You're full of bravery in one way, you have been brave enough to do battle with this demon on your own up until now but now you need to show some courage. Courage is walking into your perceived danger knowing full well the risks. I am sure everybody on here will agree with me when I say....you have to tell the people you love most they can help you in ways you would not think imaginable.

Stay strong

Matt

Thanks Matt for taking the time to post.

I'm really confused about this, part of me now understands that coming clean is the most important step to recovery the other part questions the need to bring this all up now. Due to the measures I have put in place even if I wanted to gamble online now I couldn't do. I'm convinced I will stop. I have never had a problem with bookies or casinos and I would be utterly shocked if I now started in them. Due to the fact I'm sure I won't and can't gamble again I don't see what good it will do coming clean and hurting my partner and potentially ruining my life.

I have never borrowed money off my partner and have always made sure she and my son have everything they need. I'm never moody or depressed around them you would never know if I had lost 10k or won 10k I'm exactly the same. The point I'm trying to make is my partner hasn't been affected by my gambling to date. But she would be if I come clean, isn't it better for me to stop for ever and her never to know about this why cause her pain? Why cause her to look at me differently?

The strange thing is I can completely relate to that. If you read my diary I never told anyone a thing for 15 years plus but eventually it came crashing down around me, a house of cards kind of thing.

I totally understand your logic and only you can make that decision but I will say if somehow your partner found out about the debt, a stray letter, a phone call etc you could be faced with a bigger problem. You have technically lived a lie your whole relationship, she doesn't know the real you. Maybe go and see a therapist, I did and it worked wonders for me. They are impartial and what I also learned is we gamble for a reason and that reason is deep within.

The more tools you have in your armoury the more chance you have of beating the addicition for good.

Thanks for being understanding Matt and not just diving in saying i'm wrong and i must...

Hi Chance, yes you will get a few judgemental people on here saying you must do this or you are wrong to do that or something will never work. As if they know how every case of gambling addiction has worked out since the dawn of time. Fact is they don't, another fact is you don't know how your partner will react if you do tell them. They may offer support and stand by you or they may wallop you over the head with a pan. Read the family and friends section on here and you will see a lot of advice telling the partner of a problem gambler to keep the focus on themselves and not the problem gambler. So how about we take the same advice and keep the focus on you. You are a rubbish gambler you admit that yourself, some people make a living from gambling but it's not going to happen to you. You are not a professional gambler or a professional footballer or professional rocket scientist and you are probably not going to be either in the future unless you study and practice very very very hard. What drives you to gamble? Money worries, rewired neural circuits, unhappy with partner / work or something else? Only you can work out what is best for you, you won't find the definitive answer on here, if anybody knew that they would be curing addictions and making a fortune. You will find lots of advice, some you will take and some you will leave. There are ways of looking at things such as how would you feel if your partner was doing the same to you or what someone doesn't know can't hurt them or whatever. There are decisions to be made and only you can make them but being in debt for so long and falling back into debt is stupid but you know that already. It is also morally wrong as the money WE lost on gambling over the years could have been used so much better (i said WE because i wanted you to know you are not alone and that i am not throwing insults at you as i am just as stupid myself). It's the old pro's and con's list for you maybe or a plan of action. Is gambling going to sort out your debt? Well it hasn't for 18 years so why would it be a good plan now? Is being in debt helping you sleep at night? Do short price favourites win every time? Have i got a wonderful partner? Have i got a wonderful son? If i had 2 days left on Earth would i wish i spent more time gambling or more time with my family? I will say this much about telling a partner, i have told all my long term partners thus far, i never stopped while i was with any of the previous ones, my wife left me and it was the best thing that could have happened to me as she was a b****. This is only my story though, i cannot advise you to tell or not to tell your partner that is your choice despite the preaching on here. I can and do wish you all the best in stopping gambling but it might be time to try something different as your attempts to stop in the past have failed. There is also the chance of your partner finding out somehow and then focussing on herself which you would understand. Over to you.

It's not just about the risk of getting caught - which obviously is very real. It's also about the quality of your recovery.

Addiction is a symptom of something else. The sweet spot is addressing the 'something else'. Focusing on not gambling is relatively mundane - as it's like a negative aim, 'not doing something'.

Addressing the 'something else' is where it gets really interesting and rewarding. You can't do that whilst living a lie imo

Louis

Alainepo thanks for that, great words, very thought provoking and so very well put.

I would like to think that I am doing something different finally, self excluding from all sites and signing up and telling my story on here. Small steps but a start, time will tell what I decide to do but I know one thing today has been a good start.

Cardhue, it's an interesting one cause there is no reason I can think of on why I gamble other than to win big. I'm sure a psychologist may disagree. Maybe I do it for a reason to hide something else.

Hi Chance,

You said you live too far away to attend a group. Maybe one of our counselling locations might suit you, or our online counselling?

Thanks for your question regarding notifications when someone replies. We're looking into this for you.

Best wishes

Forum Admin.

Many thanks, the online councilling is something I'll definitely consider.

Regarding the notifications, currently I'm checking each thread I have posted on to see if someone else has replied. Day 1 that's difficult so after a week I'll probably start missing replies. If an email or text isn't possible which is understandable, under 'My Account' it could display a number like (3) with links, to show you have 3 new messages and the link takes you to which particular thread.

What do other users do to keep track of replies?

Welcome chance to answer the question scroll to the bottom of where you are reading now and it will say suscribe I think that may send you notifications when a new post is live . All the best and welcome again

Click on New and Updated Posts

On your home page, if you subscribe to your threads, is there an option to have alerts? I'm sure I used to get email notifications but can't remember how I did it. Maybe give the helpline a call but yep, I just click on new & updated posts in the forums as suggested above.

Many thanks all

Day 15 gamble free - had my reoccurring gambling dream last night where I win a huge amount of money. Woke up panicking checked my bank account and panic soon turned to relief that I haven't gambled. Wonder when these dreams will stop, not surprised had one last night really after spending most of yesterday reading stories on here, etc.

My OCD I get from gambling is starting to ease off which is good. I'm still tracking sports results deciding before the event what I would have bet on then hoping it doesn't come in. This can't be healthy but not easy to stop.

Overall doing well and so happy I signed up to this site.