Trying to be a supportive spouse

Hi, Becky,

I would advise you very strongly not to understand him in any great depth - leave the deep and profound understanding to fellow GA members who do understand the addict thinking and possibly to the counsellor.

Keep your focus on you and what you need. There's no particular reason why he should be rude and disrespectful towards you and too deep an understanding of him and his problems will lead to you accepting and excusing continued poor behaviour. Better to expect more of him, you'd probably get more.

Take care of you.

CW

From a gamblers side. ..
Yes to me it all makes sense....
the instant "fix" or whatever you call it....gives immediate sucess..
I'm glad he likes the counselling....I loved mine...it's not going to improve over night though love....
you need support for you...especially in the early days..
Would he join here.....in my experience talking to other people in the same boat is pricless....
I done everything/anything my family asked of me to give them a bit of hope that I was serious about kicking my addiction into touch....
I can imagine it's hard to not worry yourself about the ifs and buts. ...hence why transparency of all fiance related things are needed....it brings small peace of mind to f/f..

With respect cw. .
Surely any partnership needs to be understood from both sides....as best you can.....
How can trying to understand someone you love lead to you accepting there poor behaviour !
My husband was an absolute a*s hole to me whilst he was going through chemo....nasty...evil...vile
I spent everyday trying to hide the tears
Why ?
Because ....upon his diagnosis. ..I said....I'll be with you....every step of the way....no matter what !
Did he mean all the vile things he said and done whilst having chemo..?
No....he didn't....it was the "place" he was in at the time....did I understand what he was going through....no I didn't. ..because I wasn't in his shoes...
But....I did try....everyday....to understand what he was going through....did that mean I accepted his behaviour ?
Did it hell. ...it meant I tolerated it....because I knew with time.....it would pass....and It did...
Trying to understand what others are feeling does not mean you are agreeing with what they do ir don't do

Becky..
Sorry love....meant to add...
I admire you for standing beside your partner.. and yes it's going to be a bumpy ride im sure...
Good luck love x

Wow Loxxie,

Sounds like you have been through a lot. But I agree in that I feel like I need to understand it to A)know how to react when he tells me something or just to know how he's feeling and B)so I don't just keep blaming him all the time.
I know his behaviour towards me has been horrendous with the awful moods, letting me take the complete weight of his problem on my shoulders and letting me find him having tried to kill himself and getting seemingly no appreciation of that, but surely I can make him aware of my feelings without treating him like a naughty school child? Surely the more I blame him, the more resentment he will have towards the situation, to himself and to me?

And I'm sure as you say Loxxie, it will pass in time (hopefully!), but he seems to have his good days (where he seems perfectly normal and fine) and his bad days (which he just moped around, avoids me as much as possible and wants to be on his own and dwell). But there seem to be a lot more bad days than good days. Do you think councelling will rectify that?

And I find his moods difficult because surely the main basis for any successful relationship is communication, right? And I want to know how he's feeling or what he's thinking so I can try to cheer him up, but I can't do that if he closes himself off :(.

I've suggested that he comes on here and shown him the site and things and he said "yeah I'll have a look" and it's been about 3 weeks now since then and I'm pretty sure he hasn't. Shall I keep mentioning it?

I'm fairly confident love that you'll never understand addiction...I struggle to myself....and I'm the addict !
What I meant was....as long as we as humans TRY to understand then I think that's ok...
To give your fullest cooperation and understanding to an addict is one of the things gam anon recommend..
For me it was so important when family knew....that they didn't rant and rave at me....I was not prepared to be treated like a naughty school child...yes...I would happily answer any questions....no matter how hard they were....but the moment my hubby started to get a bit sarcastic....I politly said...
I won't talk to you if you speak to me in that tone. .
For me....punishment or sarcasm etc would have maybe sent me straight back to the slots...
I sorted out my own messes from gambling....and didn't or wouldn't have wanted any body else to...it was my mess...
I don't think you should be carrying all the weight hun. ...
And actually....once the triangle is defo broke and your in control of all fiances then it's up to him to not gamble....not for you to stop him....that's no possible....
As long as all fiances are safe...
The rest is down to him....
I will and do....talk to any body about my addiction....so maybe agree a time each week that you both sit diwn and talk about how each other feels....tell him....whilst I will do my best to understand and help you....I won't be treated like P**P....
It's going to take a long time love....

Oh bless you love...
I hear what your saying about wanting to cheer him up...
I'm thinking it's his guilt that's making him quiet....well I'm hoping it is.....
For me....I struggled with showing happiness and pleasure when I was with family....I felt they might have thought....jeez. ..look at her..laughing...smiling...having fun....I felt like I didn't have the right to be happy in the early days....if that makes sense
Now.....after talking to family. ...that's all they wanted to see....
Phewwww.....tis hard love...
Maybe if your both a bit detached from each other at the moment....how about leaving him a note....saying how you feel....or even better....maybe a house hold diary.....you both write down what your feeling....even if you can't say it.....it's really all about finding what works for you love....
He would benefit talking to another addict so much I think...
But it has to be his choice...
Look after yourself love....and be very proud that your there for him x

It sounds like you've done so well with you recovery. That's one positive thing - that (like you) he is doing everything I ask of him, LIKE giving me his wages, going to the doctor, councellor ect. without a fight. So that's good, right?

I love your ideas of sitting down at a certain time every week or having a feelings diary. I will definitely suggest those and see what he thinks.

And I can see what you mean about feeling like you feel guilty about looking too happy - I get that.

You sound so open and positive about everything. Can I ask - how long has it been for you since all your gambling came to a head?

Yes I'm all good thanks....but it's an onward journey love....I'll never give up on giving up !

It does sound very posative that he's doing all those things love...great....
I think the feelings diarys a nice idea.....great if you can both do it....but even if you only do it....it will help you....and if it's left on the side in sure he'll take a peep...
It certainly can't do any harm can it...
Life has to go on love....so my way of thinking is let's make it the best we can for all concerned....warts and all lol
Yeassss...I'm open and honest now...I'm not even ashamed anymore....I didn't sit diwn at my laptop years ago and think....right...let's become a gambling addict.....it happened...
Doesn't make me a bad person does it...
I've learnt from it....
And I've not gambled for about 280 days I think...

Just thought Becky..
I see the gp arranged counselling.
Id give gamcare a ring as well...they will arrange free counselling for you....and for him...
It's there to help....so worth a shot...
He said he didn't like group stuff so the more one to one he gets the better...
And I'm sure you'd find it very helpfull from your side love

Hi, again, Becky,

There's a level of support that's appropriate and helpful, such as managing the money, not interrogating, encouraging GA and counselling, being aware that giving up the gambling isn't easy, allowing him some space. All of this on the basis that the gambler is responsible for his or her own recovery and also for his or her behaviour.

The danger to you and to him is taking over and doing it for him, in seeking to fix him because you can fix him better than he can. Hence he may find counselling better than this site, the site's good for you but not necessarily good for him, as long as he is blocking his access to gambling and getting the support, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to use this site. Don't find more to worry about than necessary.

IMO, being too sympathetic and understanding and making too many allowances is no good if it results in you tolerating what you shouldn't. Why should he be rude and moody towards you? You matter and your feelings about how he treats you matter. He should be expected to keep his temper because no one else wants it.

The mood swings for me were the very worst aspect of the addict behaviour and after nineteen odd years of it, it was time for my husband to grow up and man up. Growth and growing up play a big part in recovery. He doesn't do mood swings now (merely grumpiness from time to time) but nor does he allow me to take my own bad temper or external stress out on him.

Recovery is long term, it took a long time for the addiction to brew and it will take a long time for things to improve. Keep the focus on you, Becky, on how you want your life to be, on what you need from him and not just on what you think he needs from you. You're his OH, not his mother. The harsh reality is that it does take two to have an equal life partnership and two to communicate. You can't do it all for him.

Look after you.

CW

How are you Becky x