What do I do?

I understand where your coming from, i drove my wife mad, she knew i had a problem and i would never talk to her till i lost a fair amount of money and i would always say i would stop which i did for a week or two then do the same.
I split up with my previous partner and lost so many friends due to my gambling. I gambled large amounts for the past 15 years and its only recently been since we got married and had our first child that i have completley stopped. I was ashamed and embarrased about talking to my partner about it and i must admit i wasnt ready to stop as i enjoyed the buzz i got from it, you need to sit down and have a frank and honest conversation because if he doesnt want to get help, you will miss out on so much and money you have worked hard for will be spent on paying debts, if he is serious about getting help you will be the most important person to help him.

Hi megpreston.

What do I do is a good question and Im going to be deadly serious about living with an active gambler.

I would say the two main things are looking at the roof over your head and thinking how much control do you have in keeping that roof over your head so no nasty surprises are looming.

The second thing you do is dont be afraid to ask him about his gambling habits and learn about the power of a gambling addiction

Knowledge is confidence and control here. Im not saying he is a bad person but you need to know about the power of this addiction.

I gambled away the price of a car every year in that last few years before I went into recovery. The money is relative but that was a massive amount of money for me and I would have gambled more away if I had it. Im looking at a computer I cant afford which I could have bought many times over with money chucked away. I may as well have taken a bundle of cash and flushed it down the toilet ...same difference!

Now it seems he is out of control and you need to see the figures. I wouldnt put you in a confrontational situation but this is your partner and if they cant be honest with you its not much of a relationship. Addiction creates shameful secrets but there is no shame in admitting to a problem and doing the right things to recover.

So it may sound harsh but the advice for partners is protect yourself financially and then you can help from a position of strength and tough love.

I know gambling is a rocky road downwards and it creates some nasty surprises to the non gambling members of the family

It can be sorted out if you are aware and he is ready to stop

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi meg the family and friends section might get you more answers from others affected by gambling. Compulsive gambling is a secret pastime. It goes hand in hand with lying. It's never as bad as you think, normally far far worse. It's a progressive illness affecting moods, behaviour, health. It's forever, never cured just arrested. There is nothing you can do to stop a compulsive gambler. They either stop when the money runs out or worse. Recovery involves 100% honesty. What you should do is look after yourself, secure your finances, don't give him any money. The gambling will eventually affect you if he continues. At the moment you both seem unable to talk to each other. Get help and support for you, try and stop keeping secrets. Call gamcare, go to a gamanon meeting. The best thing you can do is talk to him and encourage him to seek external help through gamcare or GA.

He gets angry and defensive when you question him because he doesn't want to give up. It's entirely possible there are hidden nasties he doesn't want you to find out about, escalating borrowing being just one.

I would suggest reading everything you can about the addiction and making protecting your own finances and interests a priority. You can't trust a word he says without independent proof so don't.