Where to begin

Good Morning Reesay,

You have taken the most important step by admitting to having a problem. This may sound so cheesy but it is actually a really important part of any recovery process.

Do not feel alone in your situation most of us gamble to escape something or someone in our lives and that's when the compulsion gets out of control. Even though it does not feel positive at the moment you have already said about self-exclusion and talking to your partner about the intensity of your loses. These are very positive moves and sure this won't replace your money loses ,but it will help in starting to rebuild your life and relationship.

The financial impact is difficult as it just does not go away and can take a strain on your life. However every part of rebuilding your life can be rewarding once goals are achieved, but there are no more quick fixes.

When gambling consumes our thoughts and actions everything is second best in nearly three years of gambling I lost all connection with friends and some family, lost a great deal of interest in work and chased losses constantly.

I am not going to lie and say everything is wonderful now, but I am able to deal with problems and stresses in a more practical way. I still get urges to gamble I still get times when I want just escape from it all, but I know if I start I won't stop so I won't go there.

Definitely follow through with blocking software and self-exclusion, talk to your partner and others that can help. Reading threads on this site has helped me and many others in times of major distress and discomfort as only the brave can conquer this insane addiction. Be brave and courageous today and things will only improve!

Take care,

Amanda

Hi Reesay, welcome to the Forum and well done for finding the strength to post what you have here,

It is very easy to get stuck in a rut; the vast majority of people (including myself) have experienced that at one point or another.

There comes a point though when things simply have to change; you have worked hard to rectify your IVA, you have self-excluded, but you haven’t tackled this problem head-on my friend.

I was the same as you; I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago. I thought nothing else mattered, I thought gambling was the only thing I cared about and I spent countless hours, all day every day, devoted to gambling. It isn’t that life has no attraction anymore, it is that you have done it for so long that you can’t remember how you ever lived or existed before.

You have to push yourself, almost force yourself to change my friend. Since stopping, I found I had gaps in my life that I needed to fill. Now I do charity work, write, sing, socialize, go hiking, do exercise and so much more; now I realize that these things give me something that gambling never could - self-worth, a sense of achievement, genuine happiness and fulfilment; you are fine when you are playing - you get lost in your own little world; the problem is that that world is based on a lie, that you can stop and walk away after a win which you simply can’t - you will always, always be back. You don’t want to believe that (as I didn’t) but it is true - you can’t win because you can’t stop.

Nothing will happen overnight my friend. You need to take small steps to change everything, absolutely everything. You need to follow through with your plans to speak to your partner and place blocking software on your laptop/PC like Gamblock, Betfilter or K9; self-excluding is not enough because there are countless sites out there.

Then, you and your partner need to start planning for your future; if he is enduring you spending 5/6 hours every night on your computer, without speaking, then you relationship sadly isn’t in the healthiest place my friend - why don’t you talk about taking up a couple of hobbies together? Most of the things I described cost little or no money - there are options out there; try taking things in a different direction - you clearly are a decent, intelligent person - you just need the impetus and the get up and go to push yourself into doing constructive things, instead of destructive things, with your life.

Take it slowly, deal with each problem individually and then put everything into your future my friend - this is what counts now, getting out of this rut and moving forward with your life, and your relationship. This doesn’t have to be the worst situation in the world if you change your life for the better from this point onwards, and you may look back at this post one day as the time when you decided enough was enough. I sincerely think you can get there but you have to work at it and not allow yourself to wallow in regret or self-pity - you can’t change the past but you have a big hand in your future.

JamesP

I am struggling with guilt and my own stupidity and for the last few months have been gambling to actually try to recoup my losses and get me out of debt- how stupid am I?!! I have today after not placing a bet for 2 days spent everything I have in the bank on online slots, it was like I could not focus on anything else but that screen for the last 6 hrs but pressing the d**n button!!!

I am beginning to realise that this is a problem that I will need to actively seek help for I cannot be trusted with money at all and when my partner finds out exactly the financial mess we are in I think will be devastated but I will need him to take over the household fiances. I cannot be trusted with money or my bank cards.

I feel so pathetic, I have a lovely husband home and Jon and yet I'm peeing all over it by gambling every penny we have, I'm ashamed and I can't see an end to this.

Hi Reesay,

I have the same addiction as you and I like you have no concept to the value of the money when it is on the screen.

Unlike you I have let my Husband know absolutely everything and that is the one promise (if I keep no others ) that I will not break.

At the moment you are not in the ever decreasing continuous cycle but very soon you will be especially if you are relying on payday loans.

Excitement is a very underestimated feeling and at the moment clearly online slots is your fulfilment yet when the last penny has been spent I find it leaves me agonisingly empty.

Good luck in your quest and if you cant change anything else today then at least don't feel guilty it is such a waste of energy....be happy that you have taken the first steps in your new life without gambling!!

Everhopeful xxx

Thank you so much for your replies. I have woken up this morning determined that this is it. Today I will not gamble. I am excluding from all sites. I closed my sky one for the maximum of 5 years. I have a family event today so that will keep my mind busy and then I will have to speak to my husband. He knows about the playing of the slots but he has no idea of the money involved. I spent all we had in our account yesterday thankfully all the d debits have come out but we now have no money until payday when I already have to pay back 2 payday loans.

I am going to try to find the person I used to be. I was lying awake last night with all the empty guilty and worthless feelings going around my head and thanks to the words of ever hopeful have decided that I will try to let these go, I cannot change what I have done but I can hopefully start to make amends for our future.

Hi Reesay, your post reminds me of my life. I am in the same place and I have read the threads to your original post and there is some fabulous advice there. Just one day at a time....I will keep in touch with you to share how I am doing. You have great news in terms of your IVA, being in the last year and that is really hard work. I have started giving all my leftover money to my wife. That sounds crazy, but like you she knows everything. If I haven't got it I can spend it. Best wishes to you and just by being here you have started to change the way you think....:)

Well I have come clean to my husband, we are going to try to make our way through this. He has agreed to taking control of our finances. I have put the small amount if money we have left into his account and have deleted the app from my phone so I cannot access it. I have told him I have a problem and although he doesn't know the extent we are talking openly about it. I am dreading feeling him the amounts I owe on payday loans but I will as this is the only way to conquer this. Yesterday I did not gamble. Today I will not gamble.

Was doing so well until today when the urge was too strong and instead of being open and honest with myself and my husband on how I was feeling I have blown hundreds again on slots. Why can't I get a grip on this, I feel an utter fool, a whole weeks hard work down the drain and another stupidly late night.

Hi Reesay

I find after reading your forum we are very similar so we are not alone and we must not beat ourselves up yes we have to face consequences but we can beat this awful addiction that is ruining our family life.

I am thinking to myself at the moment I am trying my hardest and that is me being honest with myself and other half you have had a blip ok try again I know it's hard but after my last loss I just keep thinking how I felt and it helps I won't chase anymore cos I won't get my money back I realise that now

Can't win can't stop

I hope this helps you a little to know you are not alone in what is like another life not our real life.

If I can be of any help to you on this forem I am here with all the other kind people on here struggling with this

Regards Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne

I have finally confessed all to my amazing husband after I hope yesterday I hit rock bottom.

I was sick with worry after not eating or drinking or sleeping for nearly 24hrs the guilt just consuming me but at the same time the urge to keep going to recover the money I had lost was just too great - I have spent 420 in the space of 2 days money I have had to take an advance on my wages for and the worse thing being that this money is due to come out of my husbands account, not even my own! I knew that he would discover that I had gambled and yet I honestly believed that I could somehow have a win of a couple of grand and that would see us right, and he wouldnt be mad. The only reason I stopped is because paypal refused to process anymore funds, instead of feeling relived I was livid that I had run out!

I have dug us into a fiancial hellhole so deep I do not know how we are going to get out. I can see the disappointment in my husbands eyes and yet he doesnt get mad and shout or scream he just says tell me the truth and we will work it out, he has been so supportive and all I do is betray his trust.

I am a liar to myself and to others. We both work and should be comfortable but I am 22,000 in debt and I think half of that is due to the payday loan cycle and the poor choices I have made to fund this habit.

I need to stop before I lose the person inside of me that I know is still there. I need to let go of the guilt and somehow find a way of moving on knowing that I cannot ever win this money back and to let it go.

I have found so much comfort in reading other peoples stories on this forum and I hope that I can be as strong as others and kick this addiction. I have blocked all the sites on the pc and on my phone. Tomorrow is another day and I will start again.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply to me.

Morning Reesay

Nearly everything you have done Mirrors my journey with gambling I started with online bingo and then progressed to the slots big big mistake

I know I hit rock bottom 15 days ago I took out a pay day loan for300 to see me through the month as I had spent all my wages on slots and I spent all the 300 on chasing my losses how stupid I can't tell you how I felt but have not wanted to play since it makes feel sick the thought of playing but I still get I urges thankfully I think When I last played and it stops

We have a long journey ahead I know my OH is suffering I must do it for him and family if not myself same as you we can do it

Coming on here has helped me a lot because I realise I am not some monster

Keep strong and determined

Suzanne x

It's my 3rd day without gambling. I have no access to any money at all, I hate it but I know this is the only way. I am excluded from all sites I used to play on. The first 48hrs were awful it was all I could think about doing I was trying to convince myself that gambling was the only way I can get myself out of the financial mess I have put us in but today I'm resigned to the loss. It feels strange. I've found that I have more time on my hands and I have cooked a couple of meals I know it sounds bad but I wouldn't even cook dinner before I would gamble and eat crisps or sometimes nothing as I couldn't bear to tear myself away from the screen telling my husband I had eaten at work!!

I woke up this morning after the first straight 8hrs I've had for ages and thought I am so lucky. I have a supportive husband, a good job and next week I'm opening a new bank account with only a cash card links to it no debit facilities. I know it's a long way back to pay 22000 back but for the first time in a long time I'm not thinking about the slots and my elusive big win, I'm thinking that I want to beat this, it will take time but the results will be worth it as I can finally see a future.

Well I have now gone 7 days without gambling, this is the first time in at least 9 years where I haven't even gone to a bingo hall or brought a scratch card.

I am still blocked from the online sites and I still have no money. I have had a 10 note in my purse for 3 days now and 30 in my account which I have not touched. When you're not gambling it the money suddenly becomes less important. I have been totally upfront with my husband, he knows that for the next year our cash is all going back on payday loans. Coming clean was by far the most difficult thing I have had to do. The loans I have taken out Are also I his name so I have shot his credit to bits as well as my own, I'm ashamed of this but am no longer scheming on how I can have the "big" win to clear them. The urge still rears it's ugly head. Tonight I have been alone watching TV and didn't want to even risk turning my laptop on to read emails etc in cAse I couldn't resist the urge and find another site. I will keep battling this, I cannot let my husband or myself down again. Keeping strong.

Hi Reesay

Well done on day 7 and for coming clean with your husband we had to do it I am glad that your husband was understanding mine was very quiet at first and then he exploded last weekend I guess the reality of it all with the finances set in

He was ok the next day and has been ok since but I am walking on a very thin line that I must not cross I don't even know yet whether we will totally recover from the mess I got us in

I don't know why but yesterday was a battle to not play but I won and did not bet a penny I stayed strong I took it one hour at a time and kept coming on here

Keep staying strong and determined one day at a time

Best wishes Suzannex