Hi all,
I've joined today as the first step to beat this addiction.
I've had a tough night which I'll tell you about now but have been struggling with gambling for the past 5 years or so. I started off as my mum played online bingo and had a few nice wins. I work full time and had spare income so I used to put around ВЈ30 a month on and had a string of nice little wins but it started to get out of control. I thought if I can win with ВЈ30 why not £300 and so on.
Flash forward a few years and I've probably spent a good part of the last year betting my full wage to chase that win and borrowing from payday loans and such to cover bills which I was severely behind on.
I have a really supportive partner and when I told him about it (I was £2k in debt, it was more but I was attempting to pay it off) he was so supportive, if not a little angry but helped me and recently we took out a debt consolidation loan to pay off our debts (his car finance and my loans). It was exhilarating to be debt free, I hadn't gambled in a month or two and things were looking up. We moved into my mum's to save some money for a nice holiday and possibly think about moving abroad. Life was looking good.
Until last night.
I had ВЈ46 of my own money in my account and £1400 of my partners money we had been saving which included some money owed to my mum for food and board.
I put the ВЈ46 on one of my old gaming sites and lost it in a few minutes. I thought I could get it back it if I just put another hundred on and place £10 bets. I was bound to win something right?
Wrong. A few hours of ups and downs and id gambled away all of the money in my account. I cried on the floor whilst my partner slept on the bed. It wasn't the first time I'd done this either, and with money that wasn't really mine.
I woke at 8.30 (I'm on holiday from work) and my mum had that look on her face, she knew what id done. What we pay for board should have been automatically transferred and she'd try to go shopping and couldn't draw the cash out before she went into the supermarket. The way she looked at me broke my heart. I promised her I'd get the money back today but my credit score is so bad I doubt I'll get a ВЈ10 loan never mind a £1400 one.
I went to my room and cried whilst reading everyone else's stories on here.
My partners at work and I was so scared of telling him. How could I do this to him again. I'm so scared he's going to think I'm not worth being loved and will just leave. I sent him a string of texts explaining everything that happened last night and everything that went through my mind, its hard for someone who has never gambled to understand what we feel, the instense lows. It was hard but I had to tell him.
I lost all the money and we still have one lot of rent to pay at our old house. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I considered running away last night and god knows what else. I just couldn't face telling them.
I asked my partner to read the messages and get back to me once he's calmed down. He's understandably going to be angry. And I still haven't heard from him yet so my mind is racing with everything that could possibly happen.
How do I stop myself from doing this again? I can't help it, it's like it's not real money or I try convince myself I can do without some new jeans etc this month. Its really affecting my life and my relationships, im lying and stealing to feed my addiction and I hate the person I've become. I have no friends because I've shut everyone out and now the two people closest to me don't look at me the same.
What am I going to do?
Good afternoon Gem555,
You are at the right place and have started by doing the right things telling your partner great start. You need to self exclude from every site that you gamble on. Order new bank cards and give them to your partner let him control the finances nad give you pocket money daily. Change your phone get a basic model that make phone calls only no internet. If you put all the blocks in place and have no access to cash then you can gamble you need to do this.
You were able to stop for a few months than then started again I hate to say this but you can't be trusted with money.
There will be people better placed then me to give advice this is just the start.
Stay Strong Stay G/f
Malc
Thanks for your reply.
I've downloaded a parental control on my phone which my partner has the password for. I know I can't be trusted with money and I think handing my finances over to my partner is a good idea.
I know it's not a huge amount of money and I can get out of this in the next month or two my main concerns are how my partner and my mum feel about me now. I feel like a huge disappointment for putting them through this.
It's literally destroyed me as a person this addiction and I find it hard to smile most days.
The staff at gamcare helpline were lovely and listened to me for a while today though. I'm considering joining a support group and have made promises to my family not to keep secrets anymore.
Hopefully this is the last time anything like this happens. I'm just scared when I get paid I'll find every which way I can to gamble, even if my partner has my card, so I can try and win something back and solve all my problems. I need to get out of this mindset. I know if I had money in my account now I'd be trying to play with it 🙁
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