Chasing losses

I started gambling on a uk site but scared myself and did Gamstop. Then I found a site that gets through gamstop (foreign site) and started playing roulette. I put in money then would withdraw my stake so always playing with ‘free’ money. Thought that was smart

Then I built up a really big profit but because I had been withdrawing my stake I hit the withdrawal limit for the month without actually taking out the profit. The site allows withdrawal of €15000 per month and half that in a week. I was a few days away from the end of the month and had stacked up £xxxx pure profit. I was spending that money in my head all the

Time

I knew I had to wait till the end of the month to take out the first £13,500 (15k euros) so was looking forward to doing that and then the next month the next amount etc. I kept just spending £100 just for fun and adding to my total which was £ xxxx

I then two days ago spent my £100 as usual but just didn’t stop until I had spent the whole £xxx, my number hadn’t come up on roulette that whole time so I ‘knew’ it would and - you won’t believe this - I sunk another £8k of my own money into it. I just cannot understand why I did this. I was xxx up and effectively spent £40k in a matter of hours. I feel sick. Not only have I lost that whole £ xxx that was answer to my prayers but have spent money I shouldn’t have

They are so evil restricting withdrawals because they know that gamblers will spend it while waiting but I only have myself to blame and I absolutely HATE MYSELF

The tough thing is that the £ xxxk could have change our family’s life. I have theee kids and I have effectively robbed them of money not just sitting it out. I honestly cannot understand how or why I destroyed everything like that 

I just wish I could turn the clock back three days. I am also fighting the urge to chase the losses because my brain is trying to tell me ‘you built up £ xxxk before so you can do it again’

I put jn £500 and made it up to £ xxx yesterday but instead of saying ok that’s amazing that you’ve made back, I went back in later and blew the lot because in my head I am trying to make more money so it  wasn’t enough and I was rushing it whereas when I was successful it was all very gradual

I am fighting that demon that is telling me that if I leave it for a while, I can start again and make up the profit again (and not keep withdrawing the stake - which is actually what was protecting me, but ran up the amount so I couldn’t then withdraw anything I hadn’t started with)