Hi Everyone,
I wanted to try and put down some thoughts I have at the minute. I'm a compulsive gambler and for about 8-10 years I was lying about my finances to my partner, family and friends. I racked up debt in the thousands in the process to facilitate my gambling habit. Also, to make it seem like everything was ok, I borrowed even more money to allow us to go on holidays, buy car, nice clothes etc which basically doubled the debt. My partner found out and without going into too much details, it was a very, very difficult period.
Almost 13 months later and I have not spent a cent on gambling in the intervening period. I've tried very hard - certainly not getting everything right first time. I tried to undersell how much I owed, who I owed and also the extent of the gambling. However at this stage my partner now knows everything and there's no more secrets. There's full disclosure on bank statements, all loans are transparent, I've committed to paying back my debts and things are generally going well.
And this is where I come to the subject of my suggested topic. "Where does this leave me now". From going to GA and talking to other problem gamblers, a lot of people (not all mind you), had a family and a house and their journey in recovery has been about keeping their wife, kids and their house. In my situation because I never prioritised saving any money, every extra penny went on gambling, I never built up the money for a deposit for a house. My partner and I have one child and she is amazing, so loving and I've always wanted at least 3 kids. However due to my actions in the past, my partner is obviously wary and quite untrusting of me still and she is not willing to try for a second child in the foreseeable future. She wants to have the security of having our own house before we go down that road. And I 100% see her point of view in that respect. However, she will be 38 next year and she has a reproduction defect that will make it difficult for us to conceive. I know we are on borrowed time in this respect.
I know my actions in the past give her cause for concern, but am I supposed to just sit back and let this play out at her pace and take the chance that down the line if we wait another year or so and then start trying that it will all work out? I've found forgiving myself for all the lies and deceit has been very tough, and I still have not 100% forgiven myself. But if it's a case that we never get around to having a second kid because of all this, that will be a very bitter pill to swallow. I'd love to here some people's thoughts on this.
Thanks,
Happy
Hi Happy123 and Welcome.
Where does it leave you now?
Facing the truth because the truth is all we really have. we cant live a lie or click our fingers and everything becomes perfect.
The truth has to set you free. There is a serenity in acceptance of the truth and living as full a life as you can.
Is it what you own? I suggest your mental health comes first. I agree that the problem is we are sold a dream of a rich and perfect life. Its suits the marketing industry to promote that. The truth is that life isnt fair and there is no golden path to the top.
We live within our means and try and better ourselves in the best way we know how.
Gambling was never the answer and is just a brief escape from the truth with its own devastating consequences.
We face our own lives gamble free. Gambling is a drug addiction. I like to face my life without heavy drugs thanks
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi Happy
I don't think there's any right or wrong answer here. On one hand I understand your partner's concern and reluctance, however (at least from my perspective) I don't think you can shoulder the blame and punishment indefinitely.
Does your partner understand the issue, or do they think it was just a lack of self control? It's really hard as my own actions paint me as a selfish individual who didn't care about my wife and family, but that's 100% not the case.
I'd say communication and transparency is the key to this. Continually talk about your feelings. There's no timeline on when some of the trust might come back, and it might never fully.
Actions do speak loudly, but don't take them silently.
Having a child is naturally a joint decision, so you've both got to get there. I really feel for you that the clock is ticking, but often the things we really want are worth waiting and fighting for.
Who knows, there might be some compromise that works for you both in six months' time in terms of home ownership or a plan to get there.
Sadly only you two can decide, but I'd just urge you to open up and discuss it. Map it out if you have to. As long as it looks like you can keep moving forward, you can eventually leave the past behind.
I wish you well.
SJ
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