My story really starts 17 years ago rather than 10 days. I'm 35 years old and have pretty much been gambling for most of my adult life, on and off.
I thought I could control the gambling urges historically but in hindsight I've always chased my losses. I've been successful more often than not; but I can remember 3 times when I've chased and lost, and on those 3 times I've lost much much more than I ever won.
Fast forward to 10 days ago. I had already self excluded myself from most sites.... except one. I told myself that I was strong enough not to close off every avenue. I'd told myself that before that session, win or lose, I'd stop. Of course I wanted to make the win justify the cessation so I bet big and I lost £10,000 in less than 5 minutes. All on credit card and far too easy to lose it all.
It destroyed me. I was overcome with self loathing, anger, depression, anger, regret, guilt, shame, and everything in between. The urge to go further down the hole was overwhelming but now I found myself with a sizeable amount of debt and no way to clear it (up til this point I'd only ever used savings). I confessed all to my partner who was remarkably understanding and I feel that with additional support through her (and with counselling) I'll be able to get this monkey off of my back once and for all.
I haven't felt able to articulate my story until today. I still have strong urges frequently each day to log on to a new site, to chase down that loss and to tell myself that will be it but I know it'll never stop. So I've agreed with my partner to put blocking software in place and relinquish control of my finances over to her. It's the only safe way for me now.
To be honest I felt like I needed to lose; to admit I had a problem and to get it treated in order to truly win. So here I am, taking one day at a time, to get myself a debt management plan in place and some proper help, and to turn this financial failure into an emotional success. I hope this diary helps to keep me on the straight and narrow, and perhaps inspire others along the way.
The important thing I believe for you at the moment is accepting that the 10k is gone. Why do I say this? Because you may be tempted to try and win it back. Yes 10k is a lot to lose. And in 5 mins too. But it can stop here. I have very similar levels of debts to yourself. Please don't add to them like I did. You partner will support you. Please put in as many blocks as possible!!! Split!
Thanks for the wise words split and yes, the only way I can get past this is to accept that the money is gone.
I've read a few blogs from those that have received counselling, which say that in order to live a life free from gambling it's important to appreciate the value of money. Well, today I consolidated my debts to give me an interest free period to make some in-roads into my debts each month. Seeing the amount I'm in debt truly makes me realise the costs of my actions and the time it'll take to clear purely through good old fashioned hard work.
The urge to gamble and chase my losses has experienced a serious resurgence today, obviously as my actions hit home again and again. Will it ever cease? I feel stuck in limbo, like I've just seen the bus leave my stop and I'm contemplating running after it, and it's take a concerted effort not to do just that. I need to harness the complex mix of feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety, panic and acceptance, and use this as a ready reckoner if I ever contemplate going down this path again.
13 days gambling free so far. There is no quick fix to this illness; just one day at a time and continue to move forward.
Big challenge for me today - pay day. I just didn't think about it. Simply transferred my salary to my other half, with a bit set aside to etch away at my credit card. Why do we do it to ourselves? How can we tell ourselves one after time that we don't ever want to feel like this again and still violate the cardinal rule set by ourselves?
Not this time. 14 days in and determined to stay strong.
First update in a while from me but despite being sorely tempted to revert to type, I've managed to avoid going back down the gambling spiral. I'm struggling enough financially because of my actions; on top of that I have bills to pay, I'm unable to start clearing my debts and I've had a nasty surprise by the taxman so all of these things have made me want to go back to gambling.
I'm still taking each day as it comes but it's tough. Really tough. Does anyone have any good coping mechanisms that I can try? Something to take my mind off agonising over money whenever I'm alone?
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Hi Nd :)) .
Firstly , well done on not returning to the old way's of trying to bail yourself out of debt , to be honest it's that feeling of how much debt we have accumalated that can so easily be a massive trigger to return to gambling , I'ts that old feeling of " Well if I have just one more win that'll wipe the slate clean and everything will be good again " , I know from experience as well as you that it just doesn't work that way because if it did none of us on this site would have ended up with the emotional or financial problems that we do ?.
Please rest assured that most of us on here have faced the same dilemas you find yourself dealing with at the moment .
You asked about coping mechanisms ? . I quit gambling just over 600 day's ago after many years of lies and losses and probably not shy of the 10k of debt you have and in order for me personally to cope I found just simply facing it all head on to be the way forward , I'd spent so many years burying my head in the sand that I was determined to face everything I had to deal with , obviously you need to priortise what has to be repaid first , I'm obviously not aware of your circumstances , if your able to get loans ( at a reasonable rate of course ) or have equity you could borrow against ? , the taxman doesn't usually want to wait much for his money but there are still options there with paying some off plus interest on the balance owing so maybe worth speaking with them to see whats available ? but from your point of view everything has to be manageable and a sensible amount of your income repaid each month to cover your debt , again you could shop around for any low or interest free CC transfers that may be available to you , I did that for quite a while which seemed to work for me , the important thing is that you debt is going down instead of up by continuing to gamble :)) . The other option if things are really tough is maybe to look at companies such as Stepchange which helps in these matters and has helped a lot of people on here get an affordable repayment plan , you can look them up and do an online assesment to see if it would help you , it's free but obviously if you went forward with it wouldn't do your credit rating a lot of good for a few years , so if another option then maybe go down that route instead ? .
The important thing is not to ignore it , draw a line under those losses and move forward, easy for me to say now but it's the only way . I looked on my debt in many way's , for one it's a huge life lesson that hopefully I'll never forget and I then started to turn things on there head by saying to myself " If I'd been seriously I'll with a disease that for today we'll call " Gambling " and there was a cure available at a cost of 10 grand , than would I not readily pay it for a disease free life " ? .
You'll get through it my friend , I did , you just have to want too enough ! .
Little steps and one day at a time for now eh ? :))
Take care buddy and best wishes
Alan
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