2017 My Year

LoL !! Mate I had a few "Guardian Angel's " of my own when I first came here in the shape of Kelly (Odaat ) , Dunc's , Dan and Suzanne who's recently left the site and I'm convinced that I wouldn't be this far along the line gamble free if it hadn't been for those people passing their experience and knowledge forward :)) , I'm also well aware that there's a fine line between " Guardian Angel " and " Pain in the @r*e " so please let me know if I start becoming the latter as I won't be offended :)).

The truth is mate I know full well that your more than capable of getting rid of the S****e that's been holding you back for a while and I'm justified in saying youv'e already made huge moves forward and it would give me great pleasure to witness you getting through this next payday without spending a single penny of it gambling and continuing to watch your confidence grow and you self esteem return .

Your putting so much into your recovery this time and I just know your gonna smash it :)).

Keep well mate , have a great day and I'll talk with you soon :))

Hi Stephen, I just wanted to say that I read your diary from start to finish this morning. I am on day 1 and your journey so far has really inspired me, you can really see the difference in your moood/attitude from the first post to the last. Thank you. Silver x

Thanks SIlver hope you have started a diary yourself so i can have a read 🙂 Dont be afraid to just vent.

Feeling good today, feel a bit guilty about that dont know why. I was giving out yesterday that the girls on my team didnt want to talk to me. Well today they were asking me if i had any brothers/sisters and were getting to know me. I do realise im too sensitive.

I guess its the gambling "all or nothing" attitude. Yesterday they didnt give me there full attention and i wasnt happy. . Life isnt all or nothing. I have to retrain my brain really.

Hi Stephen just read your diary cos I'm new I missed your bad times I'm sorry wasn't there for you too, I felt like you did and thanks to being on here pulled through, I wish you all the very best Stephen and please keep us updated on your headaches. All the best hun x

Hi Stephen

Keep on at that doctor - you are doing well and throwing out some positive vibes -

Have a great weekend and good luck for your next pay month. The girlfriend thing will come in time - just concentrate of yourself for now and make sure you are in a position to buy them flowers and chocs when the right one comes along comes along!! Take care

HI , just catched up on your diary, so pleased that your still gf but as above you need to sort the headaches. Stay strong and keep posting people care about you on here and are willing you to beat this and get your confidence restored x

thanks anon, the doctor is refusing to give me a callback about the referral i need.

When you already think c**P about yourself then to have a doctor refuse to even give you a call back just reinforces that message really.

I really am worthless

You seriously need to stop thinking of yourself as worthless Stephen ! , If I'd put myself down the way you are everytime someone didn't have the courtesy to give me a ring back in the running of my daily life/ business I'd be a quivering wreck right now , it happens all the time mate and has nothing to do with you personally . Did the doctor or I'm assuming receptionist give a reason for not getting back to you ? , if not or even if you don't feel it's a valid reason then ask to speak with the Practice Manager them for an explanation as to why your not getting anywhere with yoiur request for information because it's really not good enough to be honest mate ! .

Considering your next payday is fast looming and for you it's about going into unknown teritory by not gambling it away this time , then maybe those feelings of worthlessness are stemming a little from your old gambling mind ? and it's saying " well if people are going to treat me this way then I'm going to have a little bet come payday and that'll make it go away and I'll feel much better then " ? Our gambling mind's are devious little Shi.te's at times and if they spot the slightest chance of getting a foothold again then they will my friend and no question , the whole doctors thing is just one of those life moments that pop up from time to time and make you a little frustrated and nothing more Stephen .

Youv'e come so close to where you want to be , just brush em aside and stay focused :))

ALAN 135 wrote:

You seriously need to stop thinking of yourself as worthless Stephen ! , If I'd put myself down the way you are everytime someone didn't have the courtesy to give me a ring back in the running of my daily life/ business I'd be a quivering wreck right now , it happens all the time mate and has nothing to do with you personally . Did the doctor or I'm assuming receptionist give a reason for not getting back to you ? , if not or even if you don't feel it's a valid reason then ask to speak with the Practice Manager them for an explanation as to why your not getting anywhere with yoiur request for information because it's really not good enough to be honest mate ! .

Considering your next payday is fast looming and for you it's about going into unknown teritory by not gambling it away this time , then maybe those feelings of worthlessness are stemming a little from your old gambling mind ? and it's saying " well if people are going to treat me this way then I'm going to have a little bet come payday and that'll make it go away and I'll feel much better then " ? Our gambling mind's are devious little Shi.te's at times and if they spot the slightest chance of getting a foothold again then they will my friend and no question , the whole doctors thing is just one of those life moments that pop up from time to time and make you a little frustrated and nothing more Stephen .

Youv'e come so close to where you want to be , just brush em aside and stay focused :))

When i rang for the second time last week the receptionist remembered me and said that she had passed on the message. Im going to ring again tomorrow and if i dont get a response ill go back in. Its so frustrating. Even a call to say the doctor cant help me and i could sort something myself. Hate depending on people.

I got paid today. And my mood being low is definately due to payday. My mind doesnt know what to be doing. Normally at lunch time when i get paid i promise myself just one or two bets, by 4 oclock my heart wou;ld still be jumping and id be waiting for 5 so i could run back out to gamble.

This time around i have no access to money. So my mind is like "ok so what do you do now".

I jumped onto my online bank account and switched money from the current acc to the savings account (that had 90p in it). So thats a total change in my "payday routine".

I do want to gamble. But its really tough dealing with stuff that i have put off for so long

Hi mate , I can understand you wanting to gamble because its what youv'e always done and it's your comfort blanket in times of bad feelings , but you have to keep pushing along doing what youv'e been doing for the last few weeks when there hasn't been money like going to Gym , extra hours at work and more importantly looking after you :)) , it's just normal life buddy all the usual things that people who don't gamble just considr normal and as your now one of them why should it be any different for you ?, imagine this coming month when youve money available all month and not just for a couple of day's , why not half way through the month treat yourself to some clothes that you need or anything else you need as a reward to yourself ?

Keep dealing with it Stephen , you know you can do it coz you already have for the last few weeks :))

Stay safe my friend

AL

Im just really annoyed to be honest Alan.

Some people on the team going for drinks after work because its payday and they wouldnt invite me . They have no problems asking for my help though during the day.

All the little things are annoying me really. I know its because its payday but im still annoyed.

I do want to gamble. I cant gamble anyway. But theres a part of my brain thats giving me a kick by saying "everything is s**t, run out and place a bet".

Of course your brains saying that Stephen it justifies itself because your saying to yourself this and that haven't gone to plan so I'll go and cheer myself up with a little punt ?. The people you speak of on the team , would you have gone out with them and socialised with them befor the last couple of weeks ? because if not they maybe just feel that it's you who doesn't want to socialise with them ? , I'm sure in time and as you make more effort to engage with them and drop a little hint into the conversation that you wouldn't mind joining them the next time everything will be fine , like I said before their going to have to get used to this new fella amongst them , just as you have to recignise those feelings for what they are , and deal with them as they arise !.

Stephen

Motto for this week: " I am not worthless but an extremely useful member of society"

Payday in our house is always the tense part of the month and no doubt for a lot of people on here. However, stick to putting into the savings account and enjoy watching that grow.

As for the workmates - don't take it to heart - workplaces can be peculiar sometimes. Best just to hold yor head up and keep on being friendly to them whatever. I daresay one of them has not been invited out at one point. In fact, it has probably happened to us all at one point in our lives. Try to concentrate on more of the positives in your life like the fact you have been doing so well and should be proud of yourself. You are right to keep on at the doctors or you could find out the consultants name and write directly to them - go straight to the top. Hope it gets sorted soon.

Have a good week and good luck.

Ill ring the doctors office again at lunch time and tell them if i dont get a call back ill go in the office and book an appointment. Absolute joke. You tell someone your suffering from headaches, youve had a MRI scan and you cant even get the decency of a callback.

Moody in work today, my headache isnt helping things. Hate where i sit in work, im away from the people who chat and get on well together. So im just gonna sit here in the corner and do my work and go on. Wont open my mouth.

And f**k you gambling for putting me in this position. And f**k me for not taking responsibility sooner.

But you are taking responsibility now and that's the main thing. Listen at you kicking it into touch
What's done is done. Just keep kicking!! You'll get there.
Good luck with doctors x