A new dawn

Good morning all,

I had a bit of a lie in today, that was lovely. Back to work but not until after I have been to the hospital with my father in law. I have just rung him to make sure he is up, he likes to have a slow start to mornings so getting to an appointment for 8.30 is a shock to his system ?.

Back from a morning with my mother and father in law. He now knows his diagnosis and prognosis. He has a choice to make about whether to have treatment or not and would like my advice. I have told him I am too close to help with that but I will find someone he can talk things through with. I know any advice I give will be selfish. I feel pretty useless right now. 

I will talk more later when I get in in the meantime  be kind to yourself..

Boo xxx

Dear Diary. Day 54 gamble free.

I won’t repeat what I have already written about this morning’s events. The only thing to add is that I held it together at the appointment and after and I am pleased about that.

I have contacted someone for my father in law to talk to about his options and that will be happening tomorrow.

I joined chat at lunchtime and it was nice. It felt ok to talk about my father in law and good to talk about other things that are going on for other people too.

I spoke to my boss this afternoon and I have told her absolutely everything. It just came out. She was amazing. I am that way out today, I think if a stranger stopped to say hello they would get my life history ?.

I also had a chat on Netline. That was really helpful. I was annoyed at something I did last night and it was good to talk it through.

Currently at home, relaxing. I will just take each day as it comes and cherish the good moments. Tonight I can pay attention to my hubby and how he is feeling. I can only begin to imagine.

My task next week is to talk to my gp about my sleep patterns. I keep having the same old cycle of overnight gambling urges because I can't sleep and then bothering someone on netline until the logical bit of my brain re-engages. Grateful as ever for the advice and care. 

Dear Diary. Day 55 gamble free. 

I haven't been on top form today but I am accepting that it is to be expected. I had a sleepless night with lots of gambling urges. I spent a long time trying to get though my new set of blocks. I couldn't. So that is good. My thanks to Joanne on netline, you were so kind and compassionate and for me through a difficult time. 

My father in law has decided that he does not wish to have treatment for his cancer. So he has 12 months max. My friend has about the same, maybe a few months more. I worry about being able to pay enough attention to them both in their hour of need. 

I know that I gamble when I feel low. It has never been the other way round. I am aware that I am getting urges more frequently, that I am trying harder to get around my blocks so I will do something about it. I am lucky at the mo that I seem to be able to engage my brain enough to reach out for help or support. I am lucky in that respect. I do need to address my sleep though as I can feel myself getting more vulnerable each day. My hubby is worried. He has enough to worry about tbh. 

Chat was lovely tonight. I wasn't certain I was going to join but I am glad I did.

Hoping for some sleep tonight and the same for all of you x

Evening Murlo,

Popped in to say please make sure you look after yourself. The future is hard to predict and sometimes things can work out better that we imagine.

Sending Bal's best wishes to you and yours.

X

Dear Diary. Day 56 gamble free.

I have done nothing much at all today except read a bit and listen to music. I just haven't been in the mood for much else (Sunday blues I suspect) . My friend went home this morning to get herself sorted for a hospital admission tomorrow. I told my hubby to go and get some exercise at the gym. He feels guilty leaving me when I am a miserable b***er but it is better for both of us tbh. He enjoyed it and that makes me feel better too. 

I joined chat at lunchtime and it was nice to catch up with everyone. So pleased drama managed the mother of all sleeps! Boo, you lifted my spirits again thank you ?

I am going to talk to my gp about my sleep this week. I think it is my medication. I would like to come off it if possible. I could do with my gp speaking to my mental health team about it. 

I haven't had any gambling urges today. I did overnight but nothing I couldn't manage myself. 

I am about to crack on with Sunday roast. That makes me happy, I really love cooking. 

Tomorrow I get my wedding ring back ??

Hope to join chat later x

I don't know why c-r-a-c-k is always asterisked out. I didn't say anything rude about Sunday roast honestly ?

Posted by: Murlo

I don't know why c-r-a-c-k is always asterisked out. I didn't say anything rude about Sunday roast honestly ?

This came up many moons ago and the general consensus was that the moderating system isn’t a fan of a slang term for part of the female anatomy ??

?? that is not what I had expected the answer to be!

Or is it a drugs reference

It has been 8 weeks since I stopped gambling, 4 weeks since I stopped smoking. I still get urges for both but so far so good. My next goal is to get well enough to come off all medication. That would just be fantastic. 

Time for a nice relaxing bath with some bergamot. I am not going to worry about sleep tonight, it will be what it will be. 

Goodnight all x

Wow Murlo that is wonderful.

8 weeks gamble free.

4 weeks without a cigarette.

You are an absolute star and I am proud of you.

Enjoy your soak in Bergamot which I understand is very calming.

Stephen x 

Stephen, thank you ?. I am pretty pleased with myself. 

The bergamot bath was heavenly, it is my favourite essential oil.