A new dawn

Murlo thank you for posting on my diary. I appreciate your support.

Sorry to read that you are suffering with a cold and wishing you a speedy recovery.

Hope your hubby is getting better and will soon be out of hospital.

I do believe that a night in front of a nice hot fire might be preferable to an evening of high jinx in your local hostelry but that is not for me to say.

Best wishes and massive congratulations on 61 Days GF

Stephen x 

Wishing you both well soon.. 

Enjoy your evening.. 

Boo ?

Day 62 gamble free. 

I went out with my lovely neighbours last night and drank far too much. It wasn't the best of ideas but if I was going to do that in anyone's company, they would be a good choice. They are close friends of ours and know about my gambling so they are happy to take my cards, money and gadgets off me which they did at some point last night.  I stayed at their house last night. It sounds silly to say that because they are literally next door, it was probably the wise thing to do. We were up until the early hours just talking, it was nice to do that. I am quite needy at the mo in that regard. I just want to talk about stuff all of the time. 

I felt as I deserved to feel this morning. Pretty shocking. I don't make a habit out of over doing it and I can remember why now. At least I have eaten, several times to be fair. 

Dosed up with cold remedies and borrowed my neighbours two dogs for a good long walk this afternoon which was absolutely lovely. I feel much more refreshed after that. 

Time for a nice long soak in the bath, trip to visit hubby and then home for an early night I think. 

Goodnight all x

Awww, Murls! 

I know you didn't feel like talkin about what was going on but I had presumed it was to do with one of the two people already sick, that you'd spoken about. To have hubby in hospital as well! that's really tough, mate. 

I hope you see how amazing and strong you are, coping with all of that. Not surprised you needed to get drunk and blow off some steam.

Glad to hear you have supportive folks next door. the company of dogs is good for the soul.

Keep taking good care of you, and asking for help as and when you need xx

I am so disappointed, I have just realised it is Saturday not Sunday so I have at least day longer than I thought until hubby is home ?. Numpty I am...

Day 63 gamble free.

I woke up this morning feeling like I really couldn't give a s**t. I slept badly which doesn't help, I know I am tired physically and emotionally. I also know that when I feel like this I am vulnerable. The demons don't go away quite so easily. 

I wanted to speak to someone this morning but wasn't quite sure what I was going to say. That I am a bit tired, a bit run down, a bit fed up with life? Nothing out of the ordinary really. So I spent a bit of time just writing things down. Getting everything that was in my head on paper. And then I called someone and it helped. 

Did some washing, cooking and cleaning after that which was strangely therapeutic. Made a batch of curry sauce, my hubby's fave. He will hopefully be home tomorrow. 

I joined chat and that cheered me up, I love the banter and support. I am not wholly present in the chat room at the mo but I still leave feeling lighter and brighter than when I joined. I have been thinking of everyone doing their squats and the mod doing press ups ???️

Anyway, this afternoon I got off my backside and went to the gym. I didn't do too much as I still have a cold but it was enough to give me a bit of a buzz. Bumped into someone I know and went for a coffee after. It couldn't have been more different to my morning. 

Will be heading off to see my hubby shortly. By the time I am back, had something to eat and joined chat the day will nearly over and I will have got through it. 

I am going to do a gratitude list before I go to bed tonight. Thank you for sharing this wonderful tool Freda. I even have a cute gratitude book to write them in now ?

That's all for now x

I have done my gratitude list tonight. Feels better.  Number 1 on the list is my competitive nature. It keeps me from caving into gambling urges and acting on any other daft thoughts I might have. It's odd to think that I really don't like losing but spent years doing nothing but that. 

Day 64 gamble free. 

I tried to gamble last night. Thankfully I couldn't. I am a bit down about the fact that I even tried. I guess I should be happy that the blocks I have in place worked. 

I have spent most of today at the hospital trying to get hubby home. It isn't going to happen today which I we are both gutted about. Hopefully tomorrow. 

I haven't really done much more than that today. I will make tomorrow more productive. 

When you feel like gambling, take out your wedding ring and remember that special moment when Hubby put it on your finger. Look forward to when your finger heals and he gets to put it back on. 

I don't wanna make you cry or ought. I just want you to have something tangible to hold onto that makes you smile and reminds you of how far you have come with his support so far. 

I know you miss him but he will be home soon. 

Drama x

So I might just be crying now but that feels absolutely fine.  Thank you Drama xxx

Good morning,

Yesterday I took so much inspiration from the diaries and chat that I am giving myself a kick up the backside today. There's only me that can look after myself. Starting with a bit of a laze in bed....

Good morning Murlo.

You recently berated yourself for attempting to log onto a gambling website. However, I personally believe that congratulations are in order as you were unable to access them dens of iniquity due to the proactive measures you had previously put in place.

Your actions demonstrate great maturity and strength of character in recognising your area of weakness and vulnerability.

We are here with friends on the diaries because we are compulsive gamblers. It takes a degree of courage and acceptance to accept that fact and having expressed a desire  to address and overcome the affliction, you have shown yourself to be a lady of integrity and honour.

In my eyes you are a star, a heroine and a respected member of our community who is now 65 days into the journey to rediscover yourself. My heart swells with pride when I look at you forging ahead on this great adventure into the unknown.

Murlo you are a true GamCare Warrioress and I consider myself very fortunate to be walking alongside good people like yourself.

Stephen x 

Dear Diary. Day 65 gamble free.

It is hard to describe how different I feel today. I have energy and I am properly motivated. I know when I feel like this I have no urge to gamble at all and I actually feel good about doing things for me. And as it always goes, the more I do for me the better it gets. I just need to keep reminding myself that is how it goes.

I am collecting hubby from hospital soon and can't wait for him to be home. I have been and had my hair and nails done. I feel LOADS better. As much as my pampering was for me, he will be pleased too.

Not much else to say. I am pretty upbeat today.

Have a good evening all x

Good for you murlo! Lovely to read!

enjoy having hubby home

kram 

Dear Diary. Day 66 gamble free. 

I was tired this morning because I got a poor night’s sleep again. I had a properly racing mind last night. I am so looking forward to starting the mindfulness course next week. I really do feel sorry for the poor bloke who is teaching me. 

Hubby and I went out for coffee and breakfast this morning, it was lovely to do that. I am conscious that I am over fussing him. He wants his space and says he feels fine so I am trying to give him a bit of space. We also needs to talk about a few things but it doesn’t feel like it’s quite the right time just yet. 

He tells me he feels up to going to the rugby at the weekend so we are going. Tickets booked. Sunday’s game will be a bit special and hugely emotional. With any luck we will both cope with that ?

I went to a boot camp at the gym this evening. It was a strength and conditioning one so lots of weights which suits me better than some of the others that literally make you throw your lungs up. I really enjoyed it and feel full of energy. Probably not the best idea if I want to get to sleep...maybe I will try yoga in the evening and leave boot camps for mornings/weekends. 

Back home having a glass of wine and just chatted to my nieces on skype which was lovely. They have just started back at school and super excited to tell me about what they will be doing today. They are so cute. 

I have had a break from my counselling this week and I haven’t half missed it! Bring on next Tuesday. 

Not a bad day to be fair