A new dawn

So you are not allowed to be human and have fragile days and moments like the rest of the world. 

Maybe you are in a better position than some to help your patients murlo.. 

Don't stop talking.. Isn't that the mantra for mental health... 

As nurses we are meant to be professional. Wrap up our thoughts and feelings and views. You are not at work here.. This is your sanctuary. Your spa. Your place to heal.. ???

What will I tell scottie boo if you don't come to chat at 1pm.. Sleep on it.. For me ?  Boo x

Evening boo,

Thank you xx

I wouldn't normally say anything about my own MH in chat and have no idea why I decided to. I  kind of wish I could wind the statement back. It is true but not one I want folk to worry about. It is just how it is. I cope with it most days

You can tell Scottie boo that I will be on chat at 1pm tomorrow ?

Oh she says wooooof  wooooof. Xx if I'm not tomorrow at one it's because I have a couple of commitments so don't worry.. Just a busy few hours. 

Can we ever say to much or not enough.. Who knows..

Enough for one day.. Sleep well. Thanks for getting back.. Times are tender I know x

Boo ?????? scottie boo ????

Dear Murlo,

I am sorry to hear you sounding upset and perhaps a little vulnerable after this evening's chat. It sounds like there was some sensitive issues raised and perhaps some misinterpretation as to how the original comments were intended; sometimes this can be easily done in the online environment.

I am glad to hear that we'll see you again in chat tomorrow. 

Wishing you all the very best,

Forum Admin 

☆ ☆ ☆ CONGRATULATIONS ☆ MURLO ☆ SUPERSTAR ☆ ☆ ☆

70 DAYS GAMBLE FREE

VERY PROUD TO SHARE THIS JOURNEY WITH A LEGEND LIKE MURLO

Stephen x 

Thank you so much Stephen ??

Thanks Russ ?. I didn't see both games either

I wrote this overnight and was contemplating whether to post it or not. I have questioned whether it is appropriate for a forum about compulsive gambling but I have decided it is. If @forum-admin hold a different view and wish to remove or edit the post I would completely understand. 

This post is about living with suicidal thoughts. Last night on chat I made a comment that pretty much every day I think about taking my own life. That's all I said. No context, no explanation or anything else. I can't retract what I said but I can maybe offer some insights into living with suicidal thoughts.These are my personal thoughts and experiences, just my account of how I am trying to address things. If anyone on here is experiencing suicidal thoughts and feelings and yet to seek help, please make that your first priority. There is no substitute for professional help.

I am not going to share any detail about what goes on in my mind. It isn't relevant and I would not wish to trigger anyone. I will say though that it is absolutely fine to ask someone about their sucidal thoughts. I can say for certain that it does not make me anymore likely to act on them, in fact it helps me manage them. I can also say that when I am experiencing suicidal thoughts and feelings I am not necessarily sad or upset. In fact it would be quite rare for me to be like that.

The last time I made an actual plan to take my life was 10 weeks ago now. It probably isn't a surprise that this coincides with when I hit rock bottom with my compulsive gambling.

I perhaps shouldn't be, but I have been really surprised that exactly the same principles that are advised to help with problem gambling and urges help me with my suicidal thoughts. So here is how I have been managing my own thoughts and feelings:

1. Talking to someone, pretty much every day and face to face where I can. I have a trusted support network. Just like I do for my gambling problem.
2. I have a safety plan. It works a bit like the blocks I have in place for gambling. It is a set of steps that can be followed if I am in crisis.
3. I have a written schedule daily. It helps to keep a regular routine where I can. It helps when feelings start to get out of control.
4. Getting outdoors and exercising. I need to do more of this but it does help.
5. Making time for things for me.
6. Setting and remembering my personal goals. Things that I really want to still achieve in my life.

It is possible to reduce the likelihood of sucidal thinking and to enter a kind of recovery, like we can with our gambling addiction. I am just really beginning my recovery because I had not paid any attention to my thoughts (I have lived with them for years) until my most recent crisis. The recovery steps that I am practicing may well look familiar:

1. Identifying triggers and trying to avoid them/plan for them.
2. Taking are of myself - eat well, sleep and exercise. I am not so good in this regard but I am working hard on this as the mo.
3. Building a support network - surrounding myself with positive influences and people.
4. Starting new activities and interests.
5. Learning to deal with stress in a healthy way like exercise, mindfullness etc.

I no longer fear my suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are not permanent, things do improve. It is possible to find the motivation to live again.

As Russ often reminds us "we cannot control our first thought but we can control our first action".

I think that what you have bravely expressed is relevant and supportive. Illnesses and there signs and symptoms manifest in many ways. If we consider Churchill and his black dog days. I can fully appreciate what you say In each sentence. You can be both at the lowest ebb but be rational and assertive. And fully functioning. 

You recognise your symptoms and act on them.. I have a friend who has rheumatoid. Her slant on it is that the condition lives with her she doesn't live with it.

I recently said that during the last year of my gambling I started to develop OCD locking and checking the car door dozen times.. Sweaty. Anxious.. That's when I knew it was all empowering and overwhelming me. So I took action. The OCD is diminishing.. Few sweaty attacks. I do get overwhelmed at work. But I have coping tools in my head for that.

So thank you murlo for making not feeling OK to be OK.. 

As I said last night it's good to talk.. Is there such a thing as talking too much or too little..

Enjoy your day xxx

2 boos and a medal ?️?

Murlo, I just want to say it's very brave of you to have wrote that, I'm so glad that your still here and didn't act on your plan. I can completely understand what you are going through, not 100% as were all different and cope differently, and I won't go into too much detail as this is your diary, but so many times last year I never thought I'd see this year, amd I still suffer daily with my thoughts and feelings, but the depression fog is lifting, slowly, but it is, and I'm starting to see abit clearer. I'm am SO thankful that I'm still here, and am also thankful to your words, your support, and your bravery. People often told me I was strong, and I couldn't see it, so even if you can't see it, or can't believe me yet, I will say it anyway and one day if not now but later on you may also believe it...YOU ARE BRAVE AND STRONG.

Take care and never give up xx

I do take far too long to type up my answers on the ^>v game. Sorry for blocking your posts a couple times. 

Drama x

Not a problem drama, I keep doing the same ?

Sometimes we experience things that change our perspective on life. I can say that has just happened. I have been at a rugby match the likes of which I am unlikely to ever see again. It was uplifting and emotional in equal measures. Proud of the rugby league family for what has occured today. I am so very pleased to have been part of it. 

Thanks for sharing about the suicidal thoughts. It was interesting to get insight into it.

I think I've only ever known of people who were not really functioning, having these thoughts regularly. You seem to achieve an awful lot despite this!

Thank you Boo, Russ and Freda for reading and commenting. I am lucky that I can live a relatively normal life, I am very grateful for that. One of the most helpful things I do on bad days is to prioritize my tasks. I know the harder I push myself, the more likely I am to crumble, so I make sure I do the harder things when I have the most energy. It works for me.