A thought a day...to keep me away.

This morning I decided to remove my days counter.

For me counting has changed from a psychological positive to a negative one.

I have no numerical goal - my changes have to be for life.

I feel i have found a safe place where i have washed the problem out of my hair.

No complacency, but what i have regained in the last ten months, i am not prepared to give away again.

I have had my first in a while really tough month financially (but for reasons outwith my control), and this feeling has just acted as a wonderful reminder of how awful it is having to live this way.

The desire is still there, but it comes in waves (big golfing tournaments especially), but i have worked round that by entering free to enter fantasy leagues which seem to fulfil my desire and need to 'win'.

As an extra bonus i got an email from a betting company on Saturday to advise that 'due to non activity would be closing my account and refunding by credit balance of £35'. I thanked them and immediatley self excluded.

£35 quid up by not gambling this weekend.

Life saved and turned around in last ten months.

Have a great day all.

Sbb

Hi Sbb, thank you for your welcome back. I've just printed off your list of 50 things (a few posts up) and pinned it to my desk wall at work (behind my monitor, just out of main sight, but easy for me to read). Therefore a constant reminder of what really matters. Thank you.

Quietly moving into month 12.

Its almost dormant now (I know it still lies in my depths).

The daily mantras, the financial spreadsheet and a set of clear very personal goals have made me stronger than i have ever felt before.

Life is a thousand light years better than it was this time last year, but i am always just one bad decision away from disaster.

I wake every morning and remind myself of my illness, I then promise myself that I will not waiver that day. I read my goals and visualise them one step closer.

Then I get up and smash the day !

We all have different approaches, techniques and opinions on how to beat this, however this is mine.

Not posting as much these days, but still reading diaries - keep stepping forward and keep reminding yourself of why you need and want to stop.

Most importantly believe its possible and believe in you !!

Sbb

Hi SBB, always pleased to see your posts....keep believing. Helen.

Hi SBB, your 50 reasons to enjoy life are good to languish here so I hope you don't mind me copying them on my new Challnege thread so they can get a better readership. 10 a day, over the next 5 days. Let me know if you do mind; I'll remove them straightaway.

Really glad you're well and enjoying life.

Mixer

Hello diary - I just wanted to tell you i may not be around as much, but i still need you and respect you.

I have managed to identify that I used to gamble, drink and dabble in recreationals to hide from my troubles, to fill my voids and to find a quick way of becoming numb/emotionless/detached.

Well today I have reasons to become numb, but I no longer hide away from life's tougher moments.

I may not know how to beat them, but I no longer let them beat me.

These days i dont lose - i stand still and strong and at least get a draw each time.

I return here and read you when i feel this way, you help to remind me of what i want and who i want to be.

Im better than this, i walk strong and tall for my children.

Sbb

Met with Mr Complacency and got a right lesson in reality.

One year and one day.....now back to zero.

Not even hurting, just numb.

I think I needed this reminder, so happy to use it to refocus and become even more determined.

No real damage done, or certainly not any that cant be repaired.

SBB Resetting to Day 1 tomorrow.

A message that was passed to me was be careful of the wobble around key dates. Bad points you scratched the itch and now have to go through the misery of the withdrawal period again. Key point and most valuable is you’ve only gamble once in a year chances are a year ago you would of snatched someone’s hand off for that gift to only gamble once in a year? Stay close to your diary it got you through before it can again. Best wishes

Hi Sbb - and you know, having had a momentary blip, why you're straight back on the GF road again. I have your list of 50 inspirational sentences about getting the best out of life on my wall and this one seems pertinent right now:

We all make mistakes, and instead of learning from them, tend to repeat them despite the obvious pain they cause. The secret really is listening to yourself before you take action, consider options and probable outcomes wherever possible…..We tend to know how things will pan out.

We're human SkyBlueBlue... but I sense you're re- re-building your defenses as you campaign for another day, month, year, lifetime ... one hard-won day at a time.

All the best to you Sbb

Thank you for your positive comments.

I think the milestone or Key Dates may well hold some water Wentworth, I was thinking that i seem to get a bit down/off the rails at this time of year.....not at all sure why at this stage.

Life has been so good for the last year although i have let all areas slip in the last couple of months.

I know its part reaction to stressful situations and part the desire to try and win myself out of my tighter financial spots.

In the light of day I can see with total clarity that thinking and logic stinks.

So its back to clarifying what i want and what i want to be....back to goals and targets, back to enjoying each small step forward on my journey.

I am James and I have a gambling problem.

I am also James that knows what he wants and what he wants to be!

SBB

(Mixer - Thanks for the support, looks like we are back in it together !)

Yup, I would say we are. Welcome back, friend; (both) stronger and wiser this time 😉

Hi there SBB,

I’ve just come back to the forum after a long absence and have read your diary from the beginning. Very inspiring stuff. You’ve done the right thing by coming back here straight away and admitting your recent relapse, that takes some doing, so well done! You’ve discovered that a better life is there for you without gambling, don’t get sucked in again. I say this from experience as I tend to go for long periods without gambling then always go back - it can be very frustrating. Interesting what you say about feeling down/going off the rails at this time of year - I’m exactly the same.

Best wishes

Day four since my splurge, my head and focus have returned.

I felt like Alan Partridge having the Toblerone breakdown and driving to Dundee barefoot on Sunday......through a thick mindless fog.

Anyway the fog has lifted, i have socks and shoes on, and find myself 50 miles south of Dundee and appear not to want chocolate - so on we go 🙂

Needed to feel numb, in the same way some people drink or take drugs to send them to oblivion.

I was (and still am) under a lot of stress) but i know after all these years, that getting numb doesnt help - Yet we still choose these paths.

The mad logic of addicts.

Triggers still allow us to stop at that crossroads and to make a decision, for right or left, right or wrong, for good or bad, for happiness or despair.

I think the key may well be to recognise that we have arrived at a crossroads.

Without flashing beacons we need to be aware enough to spot them ourselves.

(Note to self - The use of words like 'we' and 'us' when you should be using 'I' and 'me' are deflection tactics - Take FULL responsibility for your own actions - You are not quite smart enough !!)

Sbb

Lost my way recently, no real damage done, but put up no fight and allowed myself to slip in to the numbness of gambling.

Doing well in a number of other aspects in life, but it all seems to hang together by a thread.

Back in focus today and aiming straight and forward.

Disappointed and low, but ill pick myself up.

Sbb

Hang in there Sbb. I read an article today and thought of you; you'll approve. Google " Daily Mail happiness" and it's the first result returned 🙂