Hi Sbb
This time last Year I was nearly at that rock bottom and you were a couple of days behind me in my recovery.
I am sorry to see your relapse but don't let it define you, keep going this is your chance now. I hope you can be exactly where I am in another years time.Needing to be numb we all know that feeling. Maybe try councilling and find the reasons why these feelings are essential to you. What I learn is we all gamble for a reason (deep within). I wish you all the best in your recovery.
Matt
Hi James...hope you are doing ok...one day at a time.
Thank you for your kind and positive words.
Just kind of lost my mojo recently and its so very easy to revert back to old ways.
I must have joined and Self Excluded from every on line bookie under the sun.
I have even used my Wife's name to circumnavigate restrictions over the years.
I keep trying to convince myself that 'controlled' betting is fine/I enjoy it.
Whilst i could argue that i do get a kick out of it, the lows far outweigh the highs, and the reality is that I can't control it.
Its always the same time of year (never worked out why), but didnt even want to, let alone have the resove to fight recent urges.
Anyway, here i am back again, my year of abstinence allowed me to have two wonderful holidays and buy a nearly new car...the benefits are clearly there.
I need to find an alternative focus in the evenings and at weekends, i spend my time watching sport (and like an interest).
No real urges, but a constant little voice in my head telling me i can have a controlled dabble, keeps creeping into my conscious at present.
Continuing to steer away from all other opportunities to indulge and take the wrong turning, but this vice remains a niggle.
One day at a time - I had this beat and will do again.
Sbb
It's interesting, Sbb, that when we've gone gambling-free for a while the urges continue to call us ... despite, as you say, seeing and living with the fruits of success. It's as if we need to 'self-harm' (and I do see gambling as that) for some reason. I'm approaching 100 days and getting these thoughts in my periphery.
But we've just got to keep strong. And 'cos you'[ve been here before, you can do it again, and more. You've been a terrific encouragement to many of us Sbb with your very engaging posts and we're all wishing you well as you seek a 'better life than the alternative' which is what it boils down to (as we all well know). Life will throw at us what life does; deciding to go gambling-free is our crucial 'smidgen' of control !
Hi SBB, just wondering how you are doing. Helen.
Hi, just dropping by to say hope your ok and to say stay strong, keep fighting you know it’s worth it x
Well diary I am back.
When I kept you updated, and read other's narratives i remained strong.
I thought after a time i was 'strong enough'.
The truth is i have been dabbling, and whilst not having caused any further financial damage, i am disappointed in myself.
Self Excluded from every UK On Line bookies as of tonight and now ready to recalibrate and get my head back in the game 75 days until my family summer holiday........Let me focus on making that all it can be!
Hello again to many, and introductions to many new.
Staying strong...means remaining strong day in day out.....this time i get it!
Skyblueblue - Time for Action !!
Good luck mate you seem to have put in the extra work needed to get those blocks in place, let’s do this.
Had some time to reflect on a number of aspects of my life and have had to accept my gambling has again become a problem.
I kid myself on that I can control it and that it is not an issue......BUT IT IS!
It takes me places I don’t want to be, it makes me a person I don’t like and it stops me from achieving many things I know I am capable of.
The only person that can fix this is me, I will seek and accept help, however a large part of this is willpower.
I know my triggers and I know how to manage them, for me its really just HOW MUCH DO I WANT TO CHANGE?
The barriers are in place, I have goals and targets set, I have dreams to fulfil.
The time is now!
Sometimes I really wonder If I have gone crazy!
The madness of knowingly throwing all my hard earned money down the drain.
Appreciating the hurt and inconvenience my behaviour inflicts on my loved ones, yet continuing.
Choosing to chase time and time again, when I know the odds are stacked against me.
No - Im not crazy....I am able to know, to appreciate and to choose.
What does that then make me?
Ill ? - No - Life is good other than this, and I am otherwise strong mentally.
Lonley ? - No - I have a strong family and social network.
Bored ? Directionless? Lazy ? Down right selfish? - I think the truth lies somewhere in here!
That does not sound like me, and certainly is not who I wish to be....however it is who I have become.
Rather than hating myself, I am concentrating on understanding what has taken me in this direction.
Gambling is a manifestation for me, its what I do when low, lost or unable to deal with something else.
In order to beat this illness I need to become more active, find direction and better coping strategies for the curve balls that life throws.
I must accept that gambling is no good for me, I am never going to win, and have to keep away from it 100 percent - Day by day by day.
Sbb
Sometimes I really wonder If I have gone crazy!
The madness of knowingly throwing all my hard earned money down the drain.
Appreciating the hurt and inconvenience my behaviour inflicts on my loved ones, yet continuing.
Choosing to chase time and time again, when I know the odds are stacked against me.
No - Im not crazy....I am able to know, to appreciate and to choose.
What does that then make me?
Ill ? - No - Life is good other than this, and I am otherwise strong mentally.
Lonley ? - No - I have a strong family and social network.
Bored ? Directionless? Lazy ? Down right selfish? - I think the truth lies somewhere in here!
That does not sound like me, and certainly is not who I wish to be....however it is who I have become.
Rather than hating myself, I am concentrating on understanding what has taken me in this direction.
Gambling is a manifestation for me, its what I do when low, lost or unable to deal with something else.
In order to beat this illness I need to become more active, find direction and better coping strategies for the curve balls that life throws.
I must accept that gambling is no good for me, I am never going to win, and have to keep away from it 100 percent - Day by day by day.
Sbb
Hurting today...but I wonder if its pain I seek.
Had a moment last night, where I was invited by old friends to do something with them this weekend.
Have had to concuct a smoke screen of an excuse, as I have exactly 8p in my bank account.
Gambling certainly is one sure way of both losing friends and missing life's better things.
No point in looking back, but I am not going to allow myself to forget how low I feel today.
We move on...a little wiser.
Sbb
Some of the clouds are lifting....that is not to say I am going to forget or brush my behaviour under the carpet.
I am in the fortunate position of being in a well paid job, so will bounce back financially quite quickly.
Putting the debt to the side, I recognise that i have a fight on my hands....my brain (despite being generally sharp/logical), is allowing thoughts to filter through.
'If I just bet on the golf each week and leave it at that, I can control this'.
What complete and utter nonsense....I cant control it, I never have been able to control it, its not enjoyable - its utter torture and pain !!!
Waken up Sbb, get that guard up.....no more acceptance of thoughts like that.
I am a compulsive gambler and will not return to that dark place.
Sbb
If you stole from me - I would hunt you down and make you pay.
If you hurt my family - I wouldnt rest until you felt my wrath.
If you jeopardised my job - I would fight you on the beaches.
If you came between my friends and I - I would nail you to the wall.
If you affected my health - I would cast you off, never to return.
Yet it is I who inflicts all of these upon myself.
What gives me the right ?
I owe this to myself, forget everything and everybody else.
I dont deserve to be attacked on all fronts like this.
I am strong, I am focussed, I am that person I aspire to be.
The first person I am going to look after from now on is me.
Without me, I cannot support anyone or anything else.
My kryptonite is gambling, my antidote is me.
The solution is right here in front of me......STOP TRYING TO BE SOMETHING, LET THAT SOMETHING BE ME !
Sbb
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