Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Thank you duncs. Disappointed to be back but somehow not surprised.

Always good to read your wise words of support and for that I thank you

Regards

Shelly

Hi Dunc's... I woke up this morning, no work and feeling sorry for myself and suddenly before I new it I was thinking of gambling and then I came here and read your last post and then I went to the friends & family forum and read Shellyb's thread. Rest assured I won't be gambling today. Thank you.. S.A

P.s Shellyb.. my thoughts are with you.

Good morning,

When I was here before reading duncs thread amongst others gave me hope that the life of a gambler could be a thing of the past. The honesty that came thro from him and how he saw gambling affect his family for me gave great strength.

As much as I hoped my husband could find and utilise that inner need to be as honest, my hope alone wasn't enough.

Today I am grateful that I have my 2 adorable and remarkably strong sons and my very head strong daughter. I am also grateful that for as much as I don't want to be in this situation, my honesty may have stopped someone else throwing their life away on their next bet.

Keep going SA you can do it cos your better than the demon bet

Shelly

Hello Duncs

Well done for your continuing recovery today

There are lots of reasons i might have a bet

Some are better than others but are they good enough viewed with the benefits and consequences laid out of that bet?

today i don't want to gamble

thanks triangle

Good morning diary

Sa fella as I wrote last night things have a profound effect upon my life,that thread is without doubt one of them.

Shelly I am glad you are using the forum to it's full potential,you as I have written many times before are one of the innocent victims all to forgotten in the midst of the addiction is the compulsion to gamble and in my mind deserve more than the addict themselves the chance to seek recovery from the destruction waged upon your life and that of your children

I relate greatly to the effect my own gambling had on my children,funny it has effected them all in different ways.

Our Joe the oldest has a very jaundiced view of money today,at 20 yrs old he would take money out of everything in the world if he had his way,he views it as the route to all evil, his relationship with it purely a functional one.

Our lily-may now 18 yrs old is like Sarah was for many years,she spends her wages more times than not the day she gets paid,this I believe a reaction to thinking 'well if I spent it you can't'

Then our baby lol callum at 15 earns his paper round money,gets weighed in on a saturday and brings it home and always asks if we need any of it.

A tear runs down my face as I type this,the humility in there actions amazes me, my own kids sacrificed so much and there love for family and it's true values grows with my recovery.

That is what I face every day when addiction comes knocking,for twenty years I let it lead me to believe that the answer was to be found in a punt.

It took me looking down the barrel of losing that family to make me stop,to seek another way,that way is recovery.

Unlike the effects that gambling waged,destructive in every way recovery offers nothing but the opportunity to gift,that could be time,time to spend with my loved ones,money,not to have to steal to feed them,to lower my esteem so low that I don't care,that I would indeed top myself as a gift.

All of those things including suicide are in my mind the selfish behaviors of an active compulsive gambler.

If I let gambling into my life in any form,I know what it will bring,MISERY.

Not a day goes by when I truly don't thank the fact that I found recovery.

It is there on offer,you really just need to find the want to take it,nobody,not even the love,the unconditional love of that family can gift it to you,you have to take it for yourself.

A selfish act.the one selfish act I will allow in my life.

Day off today,had a good clean up,put washing on lol that's why it is raining!!

Asked lily what she wanted for supper,thinking she might enjoy my culinary skill's give me something to nurse all day in wait for the return of my family to enjoy it together,she smiled and said 'dirty hot dogs!!'

So dirty hot dogs it is,franks with smoked bacon,chilli,dirty cheese,fried onions all in a huge foot long sub!! lol not to forget the american mustard,how could you!!

Going to take tomorrow off too,truth is my heal/base of my foot is all swollen and is sore to stand on so agreed to rest up for a couple of days,work will still be there when I get back and I have had three weeks on the bounce.

Watching the football with my boys tonight and have the stone roses documentary on now.

All this made possible by making the right choice,without doubt that does not intail a punt in any form

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Duncan,

More than anyone else, you lay your sole bare for the world to see on your thread, and I must be honest you are one of the bravest people I know. You know you can't change the mistakes of the past, but I am glad you find pride and joy in your family, and they sound like a wonderful credit to you.

Those dirty hot dogs sound great too, hope they were as tasty as they sound! Hope you enjoyed the football, bit of a boring game if you were watching the Chelsea match, but as a West Ham fan I can confirm that 19th century football can sometimes be effective.

All the best mate,

Ryan

Morning duncs

Having read though your post on how it affects your children and wife I've taken time to reflect on how their dad's gambling has affected their view of money and the world around them.

My youngest son is 9. He has taken to hiding his things incase his dad steal it to sell, my 11 year old son hates money but more than that he hates tv adverts promoting gambling sites he hates buildings with the word bookmaker or casino in bright lights above it - a while back on one of his dad's last gambling binges my little boy was obsessed with the idea of setting fire to such buildings. Something that scared me but it was an extreme reaction to an extreme behaviour he witnessed.. He used to tell me if all those buildings were gone he could have his dad back.

My daughter sounds like your daughter is with money. When she's got it she has to spend it ASAP so her dad can't get his hand on it.. Her view is " well you've spent so many tens of thousands and nothing to show for it, I'm gonna spend a hundred but look what I've got"

When it comes to money my view is - so long as all the boring stuff is paid for my children are happy and safe I can relax. I like to have an emergency fund tucked away in the bank. I don't have or use credit cards, never have, I don't borrow money and if I can't afford to go out with friends I will say so. I have no shame in saying ' I can't afford it'

Saying those 4 words is not something I have a problem with but those for 4 is something my husband could never bring himself something to say - it was easier for him to beg borrow and steal then gamble to try to recoup losses getting thousands into debt for the sake of a 50 night out with the lads!

He couldn't be honest with himself, with a guy from work who he'd only met once who asked him for a pint, and he could never be honest with us.his family.

Moving on from this reflection, I'm now seriously considering your hotdog recipe - here's hoping for a taste sensation

Onwards and upwards

Shelly

Morning diary

Thanks for the kind words folks.

It is true the waves of destruction from gambling run very deep,destroying 'belief' along the way.

This belief has grown every day I make the right choice, that choice for me is simply not to wage a single penny on any form of gambling, it will without doubt lead me down a slippery slope,one I gift myself not to happen.

I smiled as I constructed the 'dirty hotdogs' they are like something you see on man V food lol, they are wholly wrong but serve to forefill the belly and raise great fun at the dinner table.

Today the dinner table reverts back to the place I am more happy with,another leg of the amazingly cheap lamb in marinade,going to be roasted later and served with roasted veg and some milky spuds(thanks mum) then enjoyed by us all together,something I enjoy greatly,the family dinner table, a place of huge serenity,good conversation and most of all love.

Back to work tomorrow,my foot is sore but is feeling better,I know the value in treating myself to some well earnt rest,and tomorrow I will embrace my work with renewed vigour.

Resisted the temptation to mow the lawn this morning, instead navigated my way around this amazing forum.

It is truly inspiring to see so many folk making changes in there own lives form both sides of the fence through recovery.

Those changes come through I know great efforts and often leave a better sense of achievement than any punt would ever gift.

To take away the punt leaves my glass half full, a view that life is worth every minute, whether that be a game of football on the tv or my family meal, I am today present for them, not just there in body.

Whilst gambling I was so bitter towards life,so embroiled in everyone elses lives that mine was simply slipping by.

The rewards are ever present

All through making a choice,one I know only to well the gambling addict themselves has to take, all the time they accept gambling it is futile to try and explain the benefits of total abstinence.

It would through those gambling goggles simply fall on deaf ears.

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler No bet today stepping forward never back

Hi Duncan. Great post this morning.

Thank you for your post on my diary as well. It was very much about me getting the rant out my system and typing it down helped me a lot.

It's great to see you doing so well. As one of the "elder statesman" on this site, you're very much an inspiration to me and I'm sure to many others.

And by "elder statesman" I don't mean you're old lol. Just wise and experienced!

Martin

Fella thanks for the kind words, it did raise a huge smile in your use of words my friend.

Regards 'elder statesman' I have to say I see us all in the same boat, today will always be the most important day,today we all share the ability to be equally 'WISE'

Addiction is for me a great leveler it is not prejudgedise it will take all manner of folk into it's grip.

In recovery we all by and large want the same.

To arrest the destruction and live a better life.

Together we stand.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncanmac,

Day 7 free of gambling.

Feeling good working hard and rewarding myself for not gambling.

I read diaries who have been gambling free for a while and take inspiration, (if they can do it so can I). Keep telling myself that.

day 7 and proud, next aim to get over weekend, then next week, next month, and so onnnnn.

love peace

Hi Dunc,

Thanks for posting on my blogg,

Yesterday and today I've took the time not just to reading through the gamblers posts, but also or most through the friends and family posts.

With the result that I feel so sorry and guilty, disgusted and angry. I was I. Tears a few times whilst reading these posts and had to ask me again and again the same questions. Is this me ? Is this how I have been ? Is this what I have done ?

And even if I have not to identify was all I've read there but still with a lot.

It made me feeling so sick.

Sorry mate needed to tell this somebody and I think best is telling a good friend.

Stay strong mate I will to

Wolfgang

Hi Duncan,

Thanks for popping by to offer me support, you seem as if you are in a good place right now. Gambling is a horribly selfish addiction and you now have your family as your priority instead. Not only this but you remain an inspiration to so many.

Just for today I am stepping forward thanks to you.

Paulds

Evening diary

Well a full on day at work today, my body certainly knows it lol, two days off and my body was not ready for it!!

So home for bangers and mash and a very hot shower then crashed infront of the tv in readiness for the premier league darts, a fantastic reward for a days hard graft.

It never fails to leave me feeling content watching those eight fella's play, they really are truly amazing,the outcome of each match not important to be honest, ok I have a soft spot for Barney but really don't care about the results,they all are top draw.

So we have some curly wirly's to devour lol and will turn off from the rest of the world for a few hours.

Today the outcome of sport really doe's not have any effect on my life,I really do just enjoy a great variety of sport for just that,the sport.

I don't need to formulate,if I did it would snatch the enjoyment away,it would become about financial gain, then win or lose I would end up infront of the fobt, either feeding the win or chasing the loss, today I know this would happen,I am all too aware of the fact that I am a compulsive gambler, it does'nt hurt me that way,actually it gifts me,recovery being that gift.

It's value greater than any winning bet I ever placed, it's outcome my making,not that of chance.

Gambling really is that is it not??

Chance,the random outcome of an event,there are no certs,no guaranteed wins for any punter, then throw into the pot the simple fact that I cannot stop,I am compelled win or lose to simply gamble on and the combination adds up to one simple fact

GAMBLING IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.

it feels great to hold that knowledge.

I wear that badge right over my heart,I gift all I have to recovery,unlike gambling it never lets me down.

For that I reap the results.

Right enough rambling

The darts are upon me.

My name is Duncs I am a compulsive gambler No bet today stepping forward never back

afternoon diary

Glad to see the revolving doors of recovery are still working, The honourable Castle has walked back through the doors, I hope his own journey is helped by this forum as much as mine.

To give to gambling again after a period of abstinence is I know through my own experience a very painful thing to do,addiction was calling me back in to the fold, laughing telling me my continued abstinence had been gifted back so why not just go back at it???

Why not,because on this journey I have learnt that gambling for me is totally unacceptable, it breeds the arrogant ars#eh#ole that I became,it made me believe that I had all the answers.

Fact is I don't

So I got back on my recovery bike and started to build my continued abstinence again for me the two dates in my mind are significant, the 23/01/2012 for that was the day my own journey began, but more importantly the 30/10/2013 is the last day I waged a bet, yes it hurt to gift continued recovery back, did I need to wage that bet to get where I am in my mind today??

No

I could have taken the great advice from day 1.

The self exclusion,the counselling the cbt all the results of my last bet.

GA and this forum have been the biggest help, and to stop posting through my own frustration was equally a mistake,to stop gifting the room two hours a week a mistake.

Lesson's learnt

Without doubt my six months continued abstinence on thursday next week will raise a smile in my rational mind,addiction will sulk in it's corner,ever present but in no way dominant.

When I collect my one year pin back I won't be gifting it back.

Why??

Because I hold the reigns,I have the knowledge,I am honest with not just myself but others too.

My own stance is firm,gambling in my life in any form unacceptable,the benefits amazing.

Gambling is a complete waste of time,not to mention the mind f**k Castle wrote about today.

I hope again Castle finds the forum a help.

I know I take out more than I put in here, my passion for life grows,my spirit grows,

I moved half a ton of ant infested earth in the pouring rain today,it was fun,tonight my Ma is visiting,I have made an italian buffet for supper,meat balls, beef ragout,stuffed chicken,roasted veg and mozzerella and my Ciabatta is proving now.

The house I hope is full of smiles and laughter,not false smiles,no masks needed,just the love of a family.

That is more than enough to inspire me to continue with my choice of total abstinence.

The gift that never stops gifting

Duncs stepping forward never back

No bet today,not a penny wasted,nor a minute.