Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary

Late start today, pondered yesterday's ramblings this morning and concluded that for me all the time I gambled I chased something that was unobtainable, either money couldn't buy it or even if the jackpot came in it simply wasn't enough.

The bottom line for me was I never learnt the true value of money, f**k it wasn't for the want of folk trying, but the truth is until I entered recovery I had no concept of how managing your hard earned can gift you all you want, dreams can be met, nothing is beyond my own reach.

The thoughts of free money, something for nothing clouded the water, I begrudged paying for anything, because foolishly I thought through my progressive addiction that throwing my hard earned at the random will of an event I held no control over, that somehow all the wrongs in my life would be answered.

When I had money I would throw it away like confetti, trying to buy everyone's happiness, when in fact I hid great sadness, the worst sadness of all, self gifted through gifting my mind to addiction.

So what is different? Today what is different is I have tasted life, recovery gifted it, I had to fully commit to it, go all in.

That for me is the cost.

Find a path that works for you and stick to it, follow it through the bad days, the days addiction wants a portion, the day's when you feel like you can't get one foot in front of the other.

Life is brutal at times, we all have folk taken from us, things go wrong, but without doubt they will only get worse with a punt behind them.

For twenty years I repeated the same act, expecting the outcome to change

Some folk say the definition of madness.

Then truly broken I found the door to recovery

A wonderful world awaiting on the other side.

Today I repeat the same choice

I picked a cert, abstinence.

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back

My Good Friend Duncan

Fabulous post as always !

We have tasted the fruit of abstinence and we have not sinned to behold it ! it defines our life now and also our past, i revere your resolve and feel honoured to know you and be helped by you.

We have fallen the same journey all be it different coloured paths, the destination destruction ! now we walk a different path, one of of hope and freedom. It is a simple man's path, "We have chosen well" like so many others here who dare too. We cannot change the past but we can change the future, we know its heavenly gifts now !

I salute you my friend, Dark Place /

Hi Duncs,

Great post as always. Your posts always inspire me to keep my resolve, which is recovery.

You have reminded me of when I chased jackpots after I had already won them, just utter madness,

Take care my friend,

Suzanne xxx

Afternoon diary

Well yesterday saw a nasty drop of weather, we closed early so I got home before it really kicked in, so thankful for it.

Yesterday I took delivery of two new old bikes, one for me and one for our joe, a couple of really rare examples of how bikes used to be made and a price I couldn't turn down.

So I look forward to riding to and from work in true style.

This morning I did what is becoming a regular Thursday, went to all the suppliers to stock up for the weekend, my boss keeps saying"do it online" me I can't I love to pick it all myself, get the best of everything on offer and pick up a few bargains along the way! !

Then the day is mine.

Addiction sat on my shoulder, whispered sweet nothings about paying for the bikes through a few spins, telling me that I owed it to myself, like all the days in my gambling life I could have gone and stared at the wheel spinning until I walked penniless and would have spent the day finding reasons to sell the bikes on.

Causing heart ache and spinning a load of lies on the way.

So what were my actions?

Home from the suppliers put on my wellies and took the hounds up the h#il#l a very wet but super enjoyable couple of hours, they were spent when we got home, lol

Then cooked up breakfast for myself and lily before she headed off to uni.

Then pottered about with the bikes, checking they will withstand my 15 stone lol

Did the house work, phoned a client who still has an outstanding bill for a job I did in December, to which they forgot! !

Well the accounts lady now has a flea in her ear and will do until the bill is furnished.

So there's a chicken marinating in the nicest tandoori I have found, gifted the knowledge in the amazing Indian food supermarket near work, so supper is sorted

And the hounds and I went over the field for a game of football, they were so covered in mud they had to have a shower lol then the shower had to have a shower lol.

On the couch now, sssshhhhh

Nobody will ever know lol, well sarah might when she spots their coats! !!!!

But hey, in twenty two years together, I am sure she would trade any of my gambling days for today.

I second that! !!

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler

No bet today

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Just reading a thread on the family and friends section, terrible story, a dad seeking advice to help his 26 year son, the reply from the forum's administrator again leaves me feeling somewhat frustrated.

Why does there writing never include the word ADDICTION.

Problematic, problem both for me lead to the person reading to believe that the problem is repairable, and for me this helps nobody. The truth is for me we are problematic, a problem to the gambling industry.

The fact is surely we are, addicts.

But addiction sounds far worse than problem.

Elephant in the room?

For me, yes, please don't make the possibility of recovery harder, it doesn't need it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Good Morning,

You have hit the nail on the head , a word you very rarely see used by the so called experts regarding gambling is "addiction" I sat soul searching last night and wondered if I would ever be fully receovered , the answer and one which saddened me greatly is no.

The reason behind me saying no is we are only one step away from our next bet and somewhere in our mind there is a trigger , only takes one lapse for the trigger to go off and unfortunately we are now in a world heavily surrounded by betting.

I am already missing out on social events this year to the horse racing , a birthday night at the casino and other events which focus on events / triggers which make me fall back into my old ways , the fact is I could never walk into a casino again I would literally shake , the horse racing I love , but I know part of the buzz I got was fro the betting aspect rather than the actual race , but I will have these same events which crop up every year which I will now have to decline.

Part of me feels really angry that I have to so no to going to these events , miss the social aspect of things but that is a harsh reality of the addiction.

I do like this website for the actual people who post in here , the genuine people , it helps massively more than any other so called professional counselling to share stories with each other , whenever I have tried to open direct contact with the people behind the website I find myself frustrated almost angry at there complete lack of knowledge regarding compulsive gambling , I often wonder if they indeed have the knowledge to best advise you , in my opinion there just a voice that give you the same old options , put blocks in place , give your cards to someone else and another person will ring you.

I ask myself is that enough ? the answer is no , they need proper trained professionals , daft though it may seem they actually need the help of recovering gamblers to talk with first time callers who in my opinion are better equipped to deal with the issues they raise , because they have been in that exact situation and can relate 100% to the story.

Anyway thats my rant over for today.

John

Gd morning Dunc,
well done on your continued abstinence from gambling, an inspiration my friend.

That gamcare response angered myself as well,I'm glad you pointed it out.
This silent addiction doesn't get the publicity it needs,it's swept under the carpet.

Keep strong Dunc.
All the best trigger.

In my early days of recovery i visited a gamcare counsellor. I was then subjected to 10 minutes of him asking questions that could of only of been for research purposes for the gaming industry .... I walked out & into GA where i found love, understanding & solutions Day x

Evening diary

Well folks I am glad that together we share a voice.

It always brings me back to GA, the fellowship that was founded by two fellas that simply were bound by the same thing.

An addiction, they met up together to discuss ways to help each other find ways to best arrest that next bet, that damaging all consuming act that reaps havoc to the addicts life.

From those meetings something awesome was created, those two fellas laid out the foundations for recovery.

What did they ask for in return?

Nothing, they simply wanted to give, gift recovery to anyone who wanted to embrace it.

There is no hierarchy in the room, there's no bias, you take what you want and leave the rest, whether you are on day one or your thousandth day recovery is celebrated with the same vigour.

We have that here, we are the same United force, folk here are from the four corners of the world but oceans don't break our unity.

I am not here to seek praise, approval, I am simply here to embrace recovery.

There is no shame in admitting our short comings, the shame comes only when folk unlike us voice uneducated irrational things that give hope to the thing we all fight each day against.

Because for me when it is written that I have a problem, I am problematic, that gifts addiction.

It let's addiction, my addiction have something to hold onto, it whispers sweet nothings about how I am blowing things out of proportion.

Well Mr addiction, look at our United voice.

Put it in your pipe and smoke it!!!

Today I made a choice

I was beyond kind to myself, in turn I passed that act on to those folk I hold dear.

That includes each and every one of you.

Abstain and maintain

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today stepping forward never back.

Duncs,

Your post the other day about playing football with the dogs and then having to shower them, then the shower sounds fantastic. With days like those, why would we ever have wasted so much time pumping money into machines that spit out nothing but false hope and lies. Life without gambling is a wonderful thing, and we each have to embrace it in the way that makes it the best possible for us. There's hiccups, but that's just what they are, not the massive cavernous sinkholes that gambling creates in our lives.

With regards to the discussion about Gamcare and the use of the word addiction, ultimately I guess we all know how this place is funded, despite the positive things that we find here in terms of our own recovery.

Have a great weekend,

Ryan

Morning diary

Thanks for popping by ryan, yes fella days have meaning, a purpose in my recovery, rather than self gifted misery.

Nt by writing dedicating a few hours time a week to this amazing place I take back far more than I give.

So on the bus to work, raining again so I thought I would enjoy an hour on the bus enjoying the wifi.

It takes that long to type a post on this ridiculous tablet thing lol.

So a hard days graft ahead then a day off, therefore Monday will be sunday roast day in the Mac house, got some amazing pork joints squirrelled away in the freezer, courtesy of that store where every little helps, bought between xmas and new year when they appeared to want to give everything away!

Going to investigate the swimming lessons tomorrow too, ready for our holiday, my theory then I will out swim the harpoon boat lol. On that note I am slowly returning to a comfortable size, the excesses of festive eating are going.

I know that a slow and steady pace does the trick, a method very hard to carry out, my gung ho nature wants it done yesterday, I am glad it is contained to my mind, as I could see it butchering bits off could it get hold of my knives lol.

Today I look forward to reading the honourable lady febs thread, two years in recovery for her today, like me she has had one episode of gambling in her recovery, great to see she learnt a great deal from it, and her recovery continued.

Lady feb I salute you.

No opportunity to gamble today, my triangle broken, a lifetime tool I know I can trust in.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

No bet today.

Afternoon diary.

Thanks for popping by nt, I have an appointment with the local leisure centre in the morning to discuss how I can go about learning to swim.

Day off today, slow roasting a joint of pork for supper and more than our five a day to accompany it.

So this week mark's three years since my own journey began, this week three years ago saw me reach the lowest point in my gambling life, my rock bottom. I had backed myself into a corner, the lying caught up with me, the deceit unfolded all around me.

What did I do?

I did what I had always done, I ran.

My wife confronted me with all the evidence and I ran, I sought in my mind the ultimate escape, I set off to what in my eyes was the best gift I could give my family, my life, suicide.

I rode my pushbike for twenty straight hours, I stood moments from carrying out the act, that samaritan stopped, asked for a light,I oobliged, then he spoke, the words I did not hear in truth, it was a blur, I wanted him to walk away, I was ashamed to carry out the act in someone's presence. I stood frozen in time, then I broke.

The tears that would not come in the twenty previous years came, I collapsed, I began to let it all out.

That fella said 'Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem'

I tried to speak, words would not come out, I picked up my bike and rode.

I rode home, I got a puncture on the way and kept riding, I must have looked truly demented to the outside world, I simply had to get home.

Why??

I had to apologise, I had to tell those folk who stood by me for all my addicted life I was sorry that I had loved gambling more than them.

I expected to be cast aside, I honestly believed I had gambled their love away.

Those amazing folk, my soulmate, my wife Sarah and my outstanding kids just gifted me their unconditional love, me I was a broken man. I set about writing letters to all the folk I had let down, family, friends, my boss, my ex boss, the list went on.

I wanted to make things right, addiction wanted those words to be as hollow as they had been before.

I walked into GA for the first time that day.

It saved my life, my marriage, the amazing relationship I have with my kids and my Ma and her husband Ed.

I mean it, I was gifted something, another way, I took it, I wanted it.

Gambling beat me up, it took all I had to give, it duffed me up good and proper, I gifted it many things along the way I will never replace.

I cannot change the past, recovery gifted me a future.

This week three years ago both broke me and founded my life as it is today.

For the latter I will be forever thankful.

The end of the road was in sight, but a stranger changed its course.

I believe folk give their time to patrolling that cliff in the hopes that disaster might be averted.

One day I hope to find the courage to return in the hopes to repay the same.

For now I will stick with what I have learnt, I can help fellow compulsive gambler's to seek their own recovery journey.

It is unconditionally on offer.

Please take it before you reach the point I did.

Abstain and maintain

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler

No bet today

Stepping forward never back

Hi Duncs,

What a fantastically emotive post my friend.

I can feel every word, and am truly inspired by your story.

You have truly come a long way on your journey, and thank you for being a part of my journey too....

All the best

Ade.

P.s: I do have to admit however, that I did chuckle at the term - "it duffed me up good and proper".....it just reminded me of my youth and junior school playground fights!! ;0)

Wow Duncs your post has sent shivers down my spine, your story is so moving and I am so happy you met that stranger. Your post on my diary today was brilliant, thanks so much. When I was at rock bottom you kept sending me supportive messages, you didn't give up on me. The day before my last days gambling when I won after being in a mess you said something about maybe it being better if I had lost, you were right, I can see exactly now where you were coming from. You really are a one in a million guy, next time I get down to Fratton Park I would love to meet you to shake your hand and thank you for being such a top bloke.

HI Dunc, I am so so pleased that you are still gamble free. When i first started my recovery you were a massive support. Keep going my friend. May today, tomorrow and every day be happy, gamble free day for you. All the best, regards Bessie.