Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Folks I am truly humbled by your words, in truth I believe that the lions share of it should be given to the reason I am here, my best friend, my soulmate, the person who unconditionally stood when many would have walked and all through love.

For it today I know without reason I can give it back with equal measure.

So one day into my recovery, three years ago this Friday I walked side by side with my wife to the Crown Court to face a judge who would decide single handedly the outcome of an emergency eviction hearing.

As I walked sarah turned stopped and said 'you understand if this goes the wrong way that's us finished, I will have no choice'

So we sat waiting for the hearing, the representative from the plaintiff sat stony faced, I sat lost, like I had lost all control of everything.

We were called, the formalities dealt with, the judge read out a letter I had written.

Then sat for what seemed an age contemplating.

He concluded that he had seen far too many cases the same, that he had granted a stay of warrant a few times and had been let down.

My heart sank, my life slid past, I sat broken, tears freely pouring down my face.

But something shifted, I didn't run, I stayed sat to face the consequences.

The judge addressed my wife, told her that he was deeply sorry for what had occurred, that against his judgement he had belief that financially she could make amends and that he would award a stay.

He went through financial details agreed a repayment schedule and wished my wife well.

He turned to me, his voice softened, he said without doubt, if I were there alone the outcome would have been repossession, he said I needed help and strongly advised I take it.

I sat numb, happy, sad, deflated, elated and for the first time in my adult life I felt truly honest.

Sarah spoke with the representative, they both cried, then she hugged us both.

I felt humility, those 48 hrs in my life were without doubt the hardest most sobering days.

But I know today that I released a weight from my shoulders that had weighed me down for the most of my adult life.

We walked home, three miles in silence, on my part there were no words to give, I knew that actions were needed.

For twenty years talk had come cheap, too many lies and excuses.

That day I had gambled to the point where I had absolutely no control over the future.

That judge had a profound effect upon my life, not just mine but the family I nearly gambled away.

I didn't let him down, all those arrears are re paid.

It is not the financial devastation that is the worst outcome of feeding the compulsion to gamble, in fact it is the easiest thing to rectify.

The emotional scars will be there for life, I wear mine on my sleeves, they gift my own resolve more than anything.

Memories serve as a reminder of what the outcome would be if I invested any of our hard earned in a punt.

I know that I am a very fortunate fella, truly I do.

There really is a better life on offer

Abstain and maintain

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler

No bet today

.Stepping forward never back .

Morning Duncs.
Thanks for the post mate. Yes cycling certainly gets the blood flowing and is my escape from gambling.
You are doing a fantastic job with your recovery.
Steve

Duncan

I have to say your last post I could vision in my head and truly awful day but one which gifted you a second chance which you have fully embraced and taken with open arms.

Words cannot thank you enough , not only for the power and honesty in your diary but your full support to other members on here making it possible for others to enter the road to recovery.

Your story will stick in my head and will serve as a reminder each time I consider gambing where it could lead me and believe me I have been very very close a few times to ruin.

All the best

Hi Duncs,

Thanks for your continuing support, and for showing us all, no matter how low gambling can make our lives, we can turnaround all the way around, and you my friend have certainly turned your whole life around, you truly deserve all that recovery gifts you.

Have a great day

Suzanne xxx

Just read Duncs post. Emotive stuff. Can't find many more words. Very moving.

Best Wishes to all on here.

Evening diary

Thanks del, Suzanne, John your support gifts my resolve in ways more than you would ever know.

So the next day, day three of my journey, the questions came thick and fast

I was completely honest, I had lied about paying the bills, gas, electricity, council tax, tv licence, phone bills, then the loans, family, friends, work, pay day, all of which I had neglected to pay, I had lied, again and again.

It all came out, each lie cast delivered another blow to sarah, but together we made a list, spoke to the folk, set out a repayment schedule.

This month saw the last official debt furnished, one debt existing, the money I fraudulently took from my mother and Ed.

Next month I will start repaying that, because for me it's a vital part of recovery.

Clarity, complete transparency.

I had neglected my responsibility to my family for all my gambling life, for it I couldn't respond all the time I was an active addict.

There came great shame with the realisation of my actions, I had lived a life on my terms, the demands of addiction met before anything.

In recovery I have learnt to seek balance, not to lay too much pressure upon fixing my mistakes but repairing the damage in tandem with living for today.

Today the only day that's important, yesterday's mistakes learnt from, tomorrow bettered by living for today.

My advice to anyone seeking recovery, be honest with everyone, from family to the bank manager, you may be surprised by the humility you are gifted. Yes some folk look for their wallet, look to hide the family silver, but I understand that reaction.

This addiction is by and large a terrible dirty secret, it carries equal amounts of shame for the addict and the folk that surround them.

I work a great deal today to educate folk that by and large we are not bad people, we are addicts.

I am not ashamed to admit my addiction to anyone, the shame for me would come if I tried to conseal it.

I am like many compulsive gambler's I am very obsessive by nature, I go gung ho at things, I crave instant results.

Patience is a gift of recovery, it for me comes with power.

Power has to be respected, that I know, it comes with great responsibility

But again recovery teaches me something new each and every day.

I am like a sponge I want to soak it all up.

Recovery is a gift, it outweighs any jackpot that was ever offered, in fact I know recoveries value

It's Priceless.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncan,

Wow. What powerful entries.

I have seldom encountered such honesty.

You continually encourage, educate and inspire.

Happily By your side in recovery.

John.

Mr Mac, my dear friend.

Thank you for your post, sincerely appreciated as always.

Your latest diary entry is simply astonishing ! you know i have been a constant admirer of your ability to transfer your inner soul and feelings to words but this entry has gone to another level ! so powerful so exhilarating. Please consider writing a book ! i could not put it down, you have an artists gift amongst the many gifts you have given yourself by abstaining.

I salute you Duncan and walk besides you, your friend Dark Place !

Morning diary

John yes it's great to walk aside you all.

Dp, fella I am kind of writing a book, it's here for anyone who wants to read it, best of all its interactive.

I couldn't actually write a book to publish, because I refuse to profit from recovery in any financial way.

Recovery is free, it is and should be free to every single person who wants it.

In honesty folk who profit from other people's misery are in my mind no better than the bookmaker's, surely if you have found recovery one of the greatest gifts is sharing it, in fact I believe it's the key to continued abstinence.

So for three days I have returned to the point that brought me here, I didn't instantly choose recovery, my wreckless life choice gave me two options, to end life or seek another way, one gambling, addiction hid.

The reason I have returned to those days is they live with me like it was yesterday and like the 31st of October last year when I put to rest the events of the day a year previous to it, I am putting to bed the reason I am here.

The events of my past have haunted me long enough, funny they gift the two sides of my mind in opposite ways.

The rational side of my brain is gifted resolve, humility, thankfulness and love.

Addiction whispers ' you got away with that one, pulled the rabbit out the hat, now treat yourself to a punt, you know you want it'

It screams those words at times, other times it disappears, hides in the shadows, waits for both weak and strong moments in my life to try to sidle back in.

The truth is I like it when I can see it

The saying

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer never more true.

Today I know all my efforts are gifting me more than I could ever imagine.

But recovery never ceases to amaze me.

Oh and poke addiction right between the eyes, kick it where it hurts!

That feels great!

Abstain and maintain

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today

Stepping forward never back.

Hi
Dunc

Have been reading & enjoying your diary entries over the last few weeks.
I wondered have you ever read the Rat Park experiment by Bruce Alexander. For me when i came across it a few years ago it explained beautifully the nature of our addiction & what we must strive for in recovery

Dan

Greetings Duncan!

Thank you so much for your post. I have lost count how many times I have come back, the prodigal son, only for you to be the first to welcome me back. I think it will be for keeps this time as, unlike last time, I do not have much gambling left in me. I am tired and at times even bored of the routine and find myself wondering why I am doing this more and more.

However, I know how deceptive this illness is and how easy it is to lose composure and fall back.

I must say that I have often wondered about your progress. I remember that we joined during the same week. I am sure that you have been far more supportive to me than me to you and for which I am grateful. I only wish I had your resolution two years ago. Anyway, enough of this before someone tells us to get a room!

I have been the bookies' dream. Good income, desperate, obsessive, compulsive. But as time has gone by and through my brief stints of abstinence and coming here my addiction has weakened and very slowly things are picking up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it does not look like a fire or an oncoming train! My wife is happier as we are planning another holiday in summer, however she is tired and run down due to my illness and the selfishness and deceit attached to it. But her confidence in our future and humour is slowly improving so come summer things could touch on normality if I can stay strong.

I am still in the same job and since my boss's famous letter have received wage increases, generous bonuses and a company car. I am not boasting or proud - merely illustrating his kindness or at least how I am valued to the law firm when I am not gambling.

I hope you and your family are well and enjoying the benefits of a gamble-free dad. Are you still cheffing? I remember you telling us how you would cycle to work which sounded quite idyllic and certainly beats my west London trudge through traffic. I am loving your mugshot by the way. It is ever so nice to put a face to the name.

Anyhew, I suppose I had better do some work.

As ever, wishing you all the best.

Mark, your friend in recovery.

Hi Duncan

I did not say to write a book regarding gambling and then profit from other peoples misery but to just write ! the world is your oyster for topics ! your diary here is enough for us sad recovering fools ! but we are winning the battle !

Dark Place

I love your posts and often read them. I limit my time on this forum (under usual circumstances) as I could fall in love with most people on here, and post 24/7 and become a weird bearded recluse lady with a vitamin d deficiency, but felt the need to stop by and tell you that I like the cut of your jib, and you're an asset to the forum.

Also thank you for your kindness since my life has gone a bit "soap opera".

Don't lose that unique, special spark.

High five!!!!!

f x

Morning diary

So three years ago today I set out on a new path, I was broken, truly broken by the events leading up to that day.

Progressively I had become more reliant on feeding my overwhelming need to gamble and less caring about the devastation it brought, I stole, I lied, I cheated all the folk around me, I became completely detached from the world.

I blamed everything on everyone else, nothing was gamblings fault, I believed it would be my salvation.

Nobody knew the true extent of the whole I had dug, nobody knew how I was feeling inside, that in my twisted mind I held so little value of my life, that I was planning on ending it.

After confessing to the magnitude of my financial and more importantly mental damage something really did shift in my mind.

I believe today that addiction ran away, hid in the shadows of my mind, because addiction is in my mind, a coward, it in the cold light of day never gave me a single thing, but it's taking from me was relentless.

So the 'gambling goggles' I had worn for twenty years were removed, the warped perception of life was replaced by a black and white picture.

I could see the damage my gambling had progressively brought and I would do anything to change, to end the misery.

GA, Gamcare gifted me a glimpse into what abstinence offers, I was all in.

To be truthful those two umbrellas were not the reason, it was the people who used the platform offered.

The two became my lights guide.

I enjoyed the 'honeymoon' period, addiction didn't bother to try and gatecrash it, but it soon returned, whispered sweet nothings about how gambling shaped me, about how I loved it, it tore into every emotion to try and tempt me back into its arms.

I resisted, my resolve grew,674 days of continued abstinence came, then an eighty quid shortfall in our finances brought addiction it's biggest opportunity, I gave to it, for three hours I reverted to addiction, I fell into it's charm, offer of quick money.

The result I lost, never won a single spin, to and throwed from the bank until all financial availability exhausted.

Then the walk of shame.

But I did not run, I confessed, to sarah, the kids, my ma, ga, here

Admitting the triangle was broken, I needed further help, I was not cured, f**k there isn't one.

I set about self excluding, it has become my way of poking two fingers to addiction

The self satisfying feeling it gifts is pure medicine.

I had counselling, I took cbt seriously.

In truth I took recovery seriously, it defines me, if everything else is going to rat#s#hi#t for a day, I know I have recovery to gift my spirit.

I lived life from a half empty glass my entire gambling life, recovery topped it to half full.

So I am 449 days gamble free today, I have a lifetimes work ahead, of that I make no mistake.

There have been so many incredible folk I have met on my journey, many I am honoured to call friends.

Many folk have had a profound effect upon my life, too many to mention.

Numbers still fascinate my mind, today I use it in a healthy way, I am compulsive by nature, I cannot down tools mid job, I have to see things to a conclusion, cooking for a living provides a fantastic outlet for me to do that.

My wife, my best friend, my soulmate stuck around started a journey of her own, put a huge amount of effort into mine in the process.

Yes times have been hard, questions have provided some terrible answers, in the three years enough tears to fill a river have been cried, but love has I believe triumphed, we went against the opinions of many, grown as a family as a result.

Our children have come of age, at 20, 18 and 16 they are folk of their own minds today, there's no dark secrets they shoulder, no more false dreams broken or promises unkempt.

I turned 40 last year, my beautiful wife does in may.

All but one debt is furnished, that the most important one, it's been hard at times, like the world pushed against us.

But I believe recovery gifts us a strength to overcome anything life throws our way.

I am an ADDICT, I will be one for life, through accepting my shortfalls they lost their power.

Today I hold it, I respect it, I fully understand the responsibility that it brings.

I looked into the mirror this morning, the hollow fella who stared back three years ago lives deep inside, I will never forget him, I respect his power.

Just for today I won't gift power back to him.

Today I again embrace recovery.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

1. Hi Duncs

Lovely honest post,.

449 days of being gamble free after 20 years of having it in your life is truly amazing.

Your dedication, hard work, and determination is/has paid off in every way in all areas of your life.

You deserve everything that recovery gifts you, you are an amazing caring person, who continues to inspire each and everyone of us on here,

Thank you for sharing and thankyou for caring.

Suzanne xxx