Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Thanks Suzanne for your kind words, yes today I do feel free, free from the devastation I brought through my own actions.

Emotionally I have gifted myself some great therapy these past few days, re visiting my past those days, the days which led to my own rock bottom.

By re visiting those dark days I gifted my resolve in a huge way to continue with making a choice not to feed my addiction but I have also been able to lay some of my past failings to bed.

Recovery has brought many stages, emotionally there's been anger, sadness and at times an overwhelming sense of relief.

I know I was but minutes from taking a completely different course, one which would have had stolen my chances of recovery.

Recovery has gifted me in so many ways, I have most of all today my self respect, I am comfortable in my own skin.

Addiction had a way of obliterating it, it made me feel worthless whether winning or losing, my self respect got thrown out of the window, I threw all caution to the wind.

One of the hardest things to do today is to take things for myself, the knowledge that for all my adult life I acted in a selfish manner to feed my addiction, I feel often that I am not worthy of having things, that in a way I should keep punishing myself for those actions.

This is something I work hard on, because it is for me about taking responsibility for my own actions, be accountable for every thing I do.

Addiction has tried to use these feelings for its own gain.

It tries to get inside my head saying I am personally no better off without placing that bet.

To which I know the outcome, I would become the person who addiction made me.

That selfish, self centered, hollow, devious, lying cheating cares about nobody except themselves ar#se#hole I had been before.

Today I care, I genuinely care, that too is a powerful thing, through it I can forge change.

450 days gamble free, I could destroy all those days through listening to that voice that lurks deep within the ressess of my mind.

Just for today I will choose another path, re education, a finding the right path to tread.

That begins with three amazing words.

No bet today

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Great post again Duncs, your determination and hard work shines through brightly.

Suzanne xx

Good start to the day to read your diary Duncs. I wake today on day 55 and a lot of that is thanks to your supportive posts on my diary when I was really struggling. Enjoy your weekend.

Phil

Hi Duncs,

Lovely post, congratulations on getting through those 450 days, and I know you will continue to keep piling up the days of victory without giving in to gambling. I'm glad you could overcome those feelings of worthlessness, that caused you to want to punish yourself for previous sins. It's something I still need to work on.

Hope you're having a wonderful weekend, and that you keep enjoying the gifts of recovery.

Ryan

Hi Duncs,

Thanks for your support over the last 2 months. It means the world to me mate.

Keep strong, and keep looking after those golf balls....

All the best

Ade

Evening diary

Thanks for all your kind words of support.

Yesterday we maxed out at work, took the dining room to it's full capacity,some good comments and a few bad, but I am used to it, you can't please everyone.

Day off today, a real chill out day, dragged myself out of bed early and walked the hounds across the hi##ll for a couple of hours, great views, my mind given a time out, then home to peace and quiet for the day.

Made some nice butternut squash soup with smoked bacon for supper, delicious it was, lol no Monday roast this week, that will come on Thursday.

No thoughts of gambling, in truth the talk of the innocence of 'lottery' playing on the forum had my addiction rubbing it's hands together last week, but hey I told it to go take a running jump.

My two quid goes to the fella selling the big issue each week, that gifts my mind a huge windfall.

But I am not going to preach, folk have to tailor their own journey.

I learnt a very valuable lesson from this place last year, you cannot have opinions forced upon you, in fact I believe it has the negative effect on the compulsive gambler, I know I don't like being told what's right and wrong, I would go out of my way to do the opposite.

Shame is the fella who gifted that lesson fell from the forum a while ago, like so many leaving his story untold.

Captain46 you had a profound effect upon my recovery, I didn't get to thank you.

I hope you are well and enjoying the serenity that recovery gifts.

In my time here I have been positively effected by so many amazing folk, new and old, all sharing freely their lights guide.

For it I salute you all.

As for the new 'gambling awareness' campaign, for me it's like feeding my hand into my meat slicer and putting a band aid over it, expecting the blood to stop pouring out.

And I read they invested 7 million quid on it, so one outcome mr bookmaker.

You will know that feeling of being robbed!!!!!!

How about investment in educating the next generation of kids about the possibility of gambling ADDICTION destructing their lives.

I live for that day.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

No bet today.

Morning diary

The subject of other folks actions played on my mind this morning, our eldest son joe suffers from depression, something that I have first hand experience of, last night his mum's uncle phoned to ask him to write a few words for his wife's funeral later this week, the gesture meaningful on sarahs uncle's part, him knowing how beautifully joe writes.

I saw the chain of events unfold in joes mind, he had to be in his mind sad to write about something so emotive, quickly gifting him a restless night and feeling emotional turmoil.

We have walked together this morning myself and joe before he set off to uni, I wish I could take his pain away, gift his mind peace, but that I know is not how life works.

He is writing his disatation on writers and addiction, something I know found it's way into the lifes of many of histories great writer's, the reason I can see being escapism. I cook for a living, my job constantly has a start and finish to everything I do, I have an end game, I constantly forefill a required need, where as I fully understand writing is not as black and white as that.

I understand why many writer's have lived either a reclusive life or a life of hidden addiction, or in many cases both.

I guess in many cases for self preservation.

With joe I want him to free himself from those shekels, to live with depression, not fight against it or seek escapism to hide from it.

I assured him there is no shame in admitting our short comings, we have but to work with them, learn to use them to our end.

Which incidently he wrote a poem beyond his years, maybe a good avenue for him to find that inner peace.

His great uncle asked him to read the poem at the service, something I am glad he declined, firstly he has never attended a funeral before and secondly he in honesty is to fragile to undertake something so emotive.

So today has been a harsh lesson for me, a father, a fella trying to protect his own.

Life at times seems brutal, it pains other things in life insignificant, I read my two pieces of literature I personally lean towards in times of need.

Firstly Ades gift to me, a jar of mayonnaise and two beers, which keeps me shovelling the sand out!

And the poem that is my life mantra.

Brother square toes, a beautiful copy of which my Ma gifted me early in my recovery that lives in my wallet.

From that today I take great heart, because I know my amazing, compassionate, loving, ever giving eldest son Joseph,

'What's more you are a man my son'

I honoured to be able to write that.

My love for you will never be surpassed by the unconditional love I receive.

No bet today, addiction can try, but I hold the reins.

Just for today.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncan,

Glad to see you keeping yourself busy. Being busy, I think, is a blessing. It keeps the mind focused and food on the table - especially in your case. It is amazing how this blessing can turn into a curse when we are intoxicated through gambling. Work becomes exhausting and there is nothing to show for it because we have lost it before we have earned it.

I for one do not appreciate the Big Issue as a magazine.This is just a matter of taste, but it is always nice to be able to slip the vendor a couple of quid. As it happens there is a vendor who regularly sells just outside the local betting shop (just a few doors up from my place of work). How shameful for me to have in the past walked right on past him through the red and white doors only to emerge with less in my pocket than him!

I am not surprised that you support the Big Issue vendors. If you are as generous in life as you are with yout time on this site Pompey is richer place with you in it.

I agree that very little is done to protect people from the dangers of gambling addiction, especially the young. I wish I had more protection, other than my mother imploring me to "never get the gambling bug," which I did not understand, but certainly do now.

I have worked very hard to shield my children from my own addiction have done my best to educate them from the dangers of "The Great Money Trick" - I take this expression from a chapter in one of my favourite books "The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists" by Robert Tressell, a wonderful social and economocal satire. You may have read it. If not, you could do a lot worse than to give it a glance, as In really think you would appreciate it. Whilst not about gambling (although it does make occasional reference) it really does sum up our lives as compulsive gamblers for, as long as we give all our money to the bookies, are we not all "Ragged Trousered Philanthrioposts?"

Thanking you again for all your support. I wish you the very best that a gamble free life brings.

Best wishes,

Mark, Seven Days to the Good

Duncs would like to talk to you off the forum, I know you are going through family stuff yourself, I know at this time only you can advise me, won't be a problem if you can't understand,

Suzanne xx

Hi Duncs,

Glad that gift comes in handy my friend....

Keep strong

All the best

Ade

Dear Duncan,

I am a little embarrassed this afternoon. My post on your diary this morning was written with the very best and heart-felt of intentions.

I was replying to your uplifting post of yesteday evening and I must have been writing at the same time as you this morning and hence my post must have come across as, shall we say, incongruous to say the least. I certainly did not wish to undermine your sincerest of posts this morning.

As a loving father, with an appreciation for the written word, who has been wrought with depression from a young age your words have really struck a chord.

You are very right to be proud of your gifted so. I do hope Joe can overcome and channel his depression into something positive as so many poets have.

Warm regards,

Mark

Markman

No offence taken.

At work, so will reply to you all later.

Suzanne, save for you. Lol.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary

Well home from another grueling days work, lol it would seem that I am a victim of my own success.

Really busy for a Tuesday, but hey you won't find me complaining.

I am glad to say the effort my joe and I put in to life today has paid dividends, he is again at peace with his mind tonight.

Markman, please don't ever think that you cause offence here, everyone has a voice, put it to good use.

This forum is worthless without the honest opinions of all who write upon it, so keep writing.

I learnt a priceless thing in my time here, take what you want and dump the rest.

Every journey is individual, own your own journey, have the courage of your convictions, nothing more, nothing less.

Right tv to catch up upon, I love the gold rush programme on the discovery channel.

Then there's a book I picked up today.

Thanks markman, I will relish every page.

Today I didn't gamble, no odds worth what I stand to lose.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

I enjoy your posts Duncs, I find them so interesting and inspiring. Two months ago I was at rock bottom following another pay day slip which hit me hard. You were such a great help on my diary and as a result I'm stronger and won't be slipping when I get paid tomorrow. I have the book that markman mentioned, I'm yet to read it but intend to start it tomorrow. Thanks for the support when I needed it most you don't only gift recovery to yourself, you also gift it to others.

Evening diary.

Nt, no matter what is written here I am in for the long haul.

This forums author's are my greatest weapon in my armoury to continue choosing to live in recovery.

I just replied to the thread because I couldn't help but feel that it was in pretty awful taste.

But unlike earlier in my recovery today I have more important things to occupy my mind with.

Today I have not stopped, wholesalers and work filled my morning then home shopping for groceries needed my attention.

The reward for my efforts today an amazing roast, new season lamb, beautiful with lots of vegetables and some decent roast spuds.

Oh and a crumble sitting in the oven for pud . delicious!

I have a funeral to attend in the morning, I am catering it too.

A wife, mother taken before her time, sarahs aunt, I take solice in the fact her suffering has ceased.

My heart goes out to her husband, a top fella and there two daughters.

So today I value life, because I understand how fragile it can be.

Time's like this always have me thinking of my dear irish friend who's mantra is

'LIVE EACH DAY AS IF I T'S YOUR LAST BECAUSE ONE DAY YOU're BE RIGHT. '

And today not a minute was wasted on on the futile act of gambling.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.