Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Great post Duncs,

Hope you enjoyed your well earned day off mate.

Keep maintaining that recovery each and every day.....

All the best

Ade

Hope you've had a good day off mate, and hope that accounts person doesn't get wind of what's coming their way...hate to spoil the surprise of a tornado landing on their doorstep!

I've always thought I would suit a breed of dog such as a Rottie or a Dogue de Bordeaux, because they're big and cuddly, but when I volunteered as a dog walker down at the local RSPCA, I found the lurchers and whippets to be very friendly, and always loved the attention and exercise, but were also independent enough not to need constant attention. They were happy enough, as you say, lounging around and keeping a wary eye out for lunch!

Hope your week goes well

Ryan

Hi Duncs,

Thank you for your lovely support as always....one of them days where i felt soo under water but your kind words really put my distorted mind back on track and bouncing back was one of the great achievements in my recovery so far.

thank you..You're an inspiration on here and behind forum walls.

hope your week is good to you my friend...not gonna mention sock lol...just get that bloody case! :-)))))

Take care and keep up the good fight!

Sandra xxxx

Morning diary

Thanks for all your kind words.

John Fella there is no need for awards, by writing here I am rewarded beyond belief, for me it's our wife's, partners and families that deserve the awards, rewards of giving their unconditional support and love, not turning their backs on us when the rest of the world would shout RUN!!!

Our actions bring much emotional and financial carnage to those we profess to hold dear, f**k I used to use my own family as an excuse to gamble, hid behind the cloak of 'I'm doing this for you! !' For many years, when the truth was I sacrificed their love to feed my addiction. Through my own actions I know today how fortunate I was to have embraced recovery when I did, because I was truthfully one punt from losing their devotion.

I cannot change the past, I know I have left some pretty deep scars in my Sarahs mind, my selfish actions caused them, my inability to face my life without running at the first signs of trouble, running to the open arms of addiction.

She held on, never stopped loving, caring, fixing the f*****g great mess I made, whilst I left it and simply moved on to the next episode of creating a new pile of s#hi #t, the cycle relentless, my mind trapped in the belief gambling would eventually pay for my efforts.

But the black and white truth is the money gambled was irrelevant, money is not the reason I gambled, it was just the fuel to gamble with, I gambled to escape the world, why? Because addiction progressively had progressively brought delusions of grandeur my life became worthless in my mind without constantly feeding addiction, I willingly gave, addiction greedily took, never satisfied at my offerings.

So today I will salute all those folk innocently affected by this terrible addiction, they are the heroes, they deserve the plaudits.

Recovery is one way to gift it, my recovery shared equally with those I directly affected through my actions.

My advice to anyone, share your recovery, rebuild the bridges burned, relationships do get broken by gambling, that is fact, but if you can't repair the damage you can always explain your actions.

I have been very fortunate, the real friends I had in life are very much still part of it, yes associates I made through gambling are long gone, the truth is we only acted in a friendly fashion often to gleen what knowledge or tips we could, if I had found one striken in the street during my gambling life I would have side stepped them, or at best checked them for gambling tokens to take for my own gain.

Today there is a wealth in sharing the spoils of life, recovery can be gifted unconditionally, the only cost?

The daily effort to maintain it, that for me is a true pleasure and never a chore.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Most importantly No bet today.

Hi Duncs

great post hitting raw nerves as always, yep Mac that was me, money sifting through my fingers like sand. WHY? because it's mine, i work for it I'll do as I please. (selfish b-rstard)

And all the while my darling wife flits from one supermarket to another shaving money off the household bills, it was all about me, but not any more the light has well and truly been seen, in fact it's f*****g blinding, I'm working on the damage done and as you say Duncs forward never back..onwards and upwards...Ginger.

Brilliant diary Duncan. You've done amazing to come this far. I love to hear about people overcoming addiction and you sir, are an inspiration. Hopefully I'll be in your position in the not so distant future.

Duncs another wonderful inspiring post,

Recovery can be gifted unconditionally, the only cost? The daily effort to maintain it,and that is a true pleasure and never a chore.

The Heros are the ones we hurt terribly, and yet they have stood by us, and are continuing to support us, even though they still will be feeling the pain and worrying about us.

Take care my friend and keep on embracing recovery.

Suzanne xxxx

Afternoon diary.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts folks, they gift my soul beyond words.

I allowed myself to think back to before my gambling life began, f**k it feels like a lifetime ago, I think the car had just been invented lol.

Was I a greedy, selfish person?

The answer would be no, I was a giver, I was a people pleaser, I sought to fix other folks problems therefore not addressing my own, people pleasing was a form of escapism, to hide the fact that inwardly my mind was in termoil, dark feelings clouded my mind, never feeling the ability to do anything right, always getting the wrong end of the stick.

The truth is that was my own minds making my own self esteem constantly beaten up, by my own thoughts.

Gambling latched onto these feelings, it abused them, twisted every thought for its own gain, kidding my deepest inner self that it was my best friend, that my efforts would be rewarded, I would raise myself above expectations through little or no effort on my part all I had to do was show the world I was a 'winner'

The losses meant I just shut another door, ashamed to admit them, my mind so twisted by the taunts of addiction that I actually let it's ramblings become my view of life, I would keep giving because it would reward me through that winning streak it promised.

Wins celebrated with great gusto, my 'riches' lavishly spent, flaunted to the world, addiction whispering go on enjoy them, there's more to come.

As quick as I collected, I would be secretly plotting how to keep winning, stakes were raised, more outlandish bets layed, more to prove, addiction egging me on.

Eventually the wins became too small to collect, they often never left the bookies, the only thing that left was me, walking the walkof shame, head down hoping that the world would swallow me up.

Promise to never let it happen again turn into promise to seek retribution, again the truth twisted by addiction.

I became my own worst enemy, what I sought through gambling had long gone, gambling the act of it became my anesthetic, a way to ignore life.

Did recovery change anything today, cataclysmicly!!!!

Today I feel if my life is represented by a see saw, I stand in the middle, today I have balance.

Yes there are days when at one end it feels like someone dropped an un surmount able weight on my see saw but I know today I have the tools to jump on the other end along with all the good things in my life to address the balance.

Recovery comes with commitment, but it unlike addiction gifts something in return.

For twenty years I sat on the wrong end of my see saw and got thrown off more times than worth mentioning.

Foolishly I repeatedly got back on, in fact until the day I broke.

Gambling did break me, morally, physically, mentally.

From time to time addiction gave me a band aid, funny because at best that just covered the wounds.

Abstinence didn't fix me, recovery gifted me the opportunity to heal.

Today I have many scars, they serve as a reminder why just for today three words are the most important.

No bet today.

My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Thankyou Duncan, a great post.
People pleaser is a phrase & subject that comes up constantly in our meetings. Always guessing what you think people want to hear was exhausting mentally wasnt it? Putting others wishes & feelings above our own just to be liked builds up lots of anger & resentments within in us. As you say addiction feeds on our misconception of ourself.
Only through self examination, finding new tools & coping strategies to deal with my perception of me & my world will i ever be free to find that balance.
51 years ago they opened the doors to where those coping strategies can be found. They called it Gamblers Anonymous. Here they had a program called the 12 steps. It guided myself & countless others including you i presume, through my fractured relationship with myself. It allowed me to question my pre conceived ideas, to offer options,to give me hope.

Yours in Unity

Dan

Day@atime, thanks for your kind words, yes GA did save my life, for it I am eternally grateful and will continue for life to work the twelve steps.

Once I get to the twelfth step I will return to step one and see where I can improve upon my life.

As I wrote here many times those fellas for want of nothing in return gave me a gift with a priceless value to it.

Dear diary

Just home from work, now six hours off until I get back on my bike and get back to work.

Bed calls.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Well I scraped myself out of bed at stupid o'clock this morning, visited the wholesalers, picked my order, it grows by the week, the last two weeks have seen business double each week, so stock holding does the same.

Went to both butchers I use and scored some top quality lamb shoulders for the weekends roast.

Valentines night to see through on Saturday, busy night, the air full of romance lol.

Tomorrow night I will be finishing early, taking the love of my life to the cinema, to see what all the hype is about.

So got home this afternoon put a gammon on to poach

Wandered with the hounds, we played ball, I got a dozen new tennis balls and took 4 out, I have to play the multi ball system lol they want the one in hand and won't ever give up the one in there mouth until they see a new one to desire.

Lol I took a while to think this concept out, before taking the dogs to play ball meant I would throw the first ball and that was it, they would run fetch and refuse to release it from their vice like grip!

Only dropping it if something else took their fancy.

I would be seen many times angrily holding a ball mid air with Whippet attached!

So multi ball is the answer and they ran so hard they put themselves to bed on our return.

I glazed the gammon, good old English mustard and sugar and served it with proper chips and fried eggs for supper, delicious.

I have gifted myself some valuable gamcare time, sarahs enjoying some programme about dress making.

With these hands? You must be joking lol.

So shower and darts on record, the premier league darts I love.

A couple of fellow gamcarers have slipped, I am glad to see the support as always gifted.

My wish simple, recovery gifts it's presence again through the form of abstinence.

For me I made a choice today and for it I am proud.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Great post Duncs.

Keep abstaining and maintaining mate.

Dinner sure sounds good at yours!

All the best

Ade

Hi Duncs,

Have a lovely time tonight at the flicks, not going to,see fifty shades of you know what are you lol,,OH will not take me even though I have hinted and hinted lol, you are sooo,admirable and a big softy (in a lovely way)

Suzanne xxxxx

Oh Duncs, you did make me laugh @ the vision of you holding a ball aloft, Whippet intact 🙂 We had similar problems with ours...The Lab (who has since joined my sister 'upstairs') used to stand in front of me growling to throw the toy that was clamped firmly between his jaws! I did try treats to persuade them to given them over but mostly shouting (even faked a Northern accent occasionally since they were marginally better with OH) was my preferred method until 1 day (I was probably too hoarse to speak) I pointed @ the ground & dished out a Paddington Bear glare & what do you know, dogs can do sign language!

Have a lovely evening tonight, sounds like you've earned it!

I say it a lot, that it feels weird to be proud of strangers but as you are proud of you, I am too! Keep doing it - ODAAT

Evening diary.

Ade, Suzanne and odaat thanks for your kind words.

The hounds have been an unrelenting help during my life in recovery, they brought new responsibility and purpose to my life, in return I get the unsurpassable enjoyment they gift.

So I got to work very early this morning, to find one of the freezers had packed up, the stock in it ruined, all thrown away, what a shame, I had game birds, ice cream terrines, pigs cheeks, squid, salmon and many more fantastic food items all waste.

Many hours of labour wasted, the problem being the condenser broke and in an industrial freezer it becomes like an oven over night.

The boss will try and claim back the damage and we will work hard on replenishing the stock.

The irony is I have yet to finish the baked alaska for tomorrow nights menu, fortunately the stuff had remained in the other chest freezer, so Friday the 13th came to visit lol.

Home now, greeted by the aromas coming from the slow cooker, a beef and smoked bacon stew was put in to cook before I left this morning.

Just finished it with some beautiful dumplings and hey presto

Just what the doctor ordered.

A couple of hours until we head to the flicks so I will grab 40 winks, lol I am notorious for sleeping in the cinema, you can count on one hand the number of films I have seen in their entirety lol.

So tonight I plan on adding to that tally.

I picked up some beautiful flowers for sarah, great to show her how much she means to me.

For her love I am truly blessed.

No gambling a single penny on any form of gambling today, why would I.

I am a winner, abstinence gifted it

All because I enjoy the profits of rrecovery.

They gift far more than the outcome of that spinning wheel.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.