Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs,

Well done for getting through a tough day, you certainly have profited today, you have won,and gifted yourself a lovely evening with your Sarah, why would you even want to spend even one penny, when recovery gives us real life back and that is all that matters.No single punt can ever give you what you have now and worked so very hard for.

Enjoy the flicks and don't snore tooo loud

Suzanne xxx

Your determination and strength will always keep me inspired, because I know how hard it is at times for you.

Hi Duncs,

Hope Valentine's weekend wasn't too tough for you...I bet it must be as busy as Christmas for a chef! I wasn't too kind for my labs, we always used to play with sticks when it came to fetch, and the two stick method is also the one I would use. Unfortunately, the idiot would often find something more interesting and find a squirrel carcass or some nice fresh P**P to eat instead.

Was it 50 shades that you saw at the cinema? All the girls are talking about it at work, but I can't imagine what all the fuss is about? Typical bloke I guess.

Anyway, hope this week brings less of that Friday the 13th stress. And maybe more of your fantastic cooking. Wish I could motivate myself to cook properly, but when its just me its easier just to do something quick and easy.

Ryan

Hey Duncs, I'm sure it was only a couple of weeks ago that your lot were going down and we were climbing up the table, oh how the tables have turned, we looked absolutely dire at York.

I hope you managed to get everything sorted in work and you managed to stay awake throughout the film. I've got a habit of doing that myself, especially if its a girl who picks the movie.

Hope you have a good week mate!

morning diary.

thanks for all the kind words,yes 50shades was the film we went to see,to be honest it was more about the company than the film,nice to grab a few hours from life and spend them alone with my beautiful wife,all through my gambling life i would have found a hundred reasons not to do that,all coming back to the same thing,selfish greedy feeding of my addiction.

so a very busy work weekend successfully navigated,saturday saw a full restuarant,all bar two customers happy.

yesterday was busy,the roast beef and slow roasted shoulder of lamb all sold out by five.

the only person not happy the 'boss' as he came in requesting a take away and could'nt have what he wanted,so went off in a sulk,no doubt it will carry on tonight as this week i am working tonight instead of my usual day off.

i will just humour him,i have learnt he doesn't like it when he can't get his own way and behaves like a spoilt child.

but i refuse to compromise the standards set and least to the boss lol.

The bigger picture is i would have taken such things all personally before,taken his behaviour to heart,gone out of my way to please him,left myself reeling and seeking comfort.

addiction was my go to,not any more,i will act according to what makes my own inner peace remain in tact.

this journey, the constant learning about myself and addressing the issues that addiction fed upon is more important than anything else,because without that my life risks further turmoil,that is unacceptable,nothing in my life has a greater value than recovery.

The rain is pouring outside but i still managed to wander with the hounds,although they keep looking back toward home,lol as if to say 'come on let's get inside,theres a warm empty bed!!!!'

low and behold that is now after a helping of tripe they both are nestled,no doubt it will be a place they stay until their bellies call for more sustinence lol.

So off to work shortly,my body not relishing it,it has resisted all morning,calling to find sanctuary with those warm whippets!!!

still two days then a few days off,well aside from a visit to the wholesalers thursday.

I was glad to see Rob find his way back through the doors of recovery after he gambled friday,fella never give up on giving up.

it will reward your efforts.

phil,yes pompey did win,another terrible performance,our youngest went,left before the goal!!

he said he was not alone,many folk doing the same,the football not attractive by any standard,in his words painful.

So Sarah has a week off,nice to have enjoyed a lay in together,makes the choice of abstinence wholly worth it.

my name is Duncs i am a compulsive gambler in recovery.

No bet today.

stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan,

A pleasure as always. Glad to see you are still going strong.

I have avoided your diaries these past few weeks as there seems to be a relationship between the regularity of my reading your posts and the size of my belly. Wonder why?

As a literary and Pompeyite, I wonder whether you have ever gotten down to Dickens's birthplace? The skidmarks on the road outside are mine - sorry - a relic from the beforetime - the long-long ago!

Stay well!

Mark

Hi Duncs

must agree with the Markman about getting the juices flowing I normally catch up your diary on the way home by the time I'm home I'm ravenous, the best thing being I've got an appetite, an appetite like I've never had before, an appetite for everything but gambling....kind regards.

Ginger

morning diary

glad to be of assistence gentlemen,lol I had a plan to replicate the fella from the southern comfort advert during our forthcoming holiday,but mrs mac has put pay to that!! no biscuits,sweets oh and no pudding.

my counter argument that a thin chef is never to be trusted thrown out before I got to appeal lol.

Food as I wrote is,has been and always will be more art form,I live it 24/7 I love the fact food constantly evolves,that things are always improving,that no canvas is the same,no two legs of lamb cook in the same time,carrots natural sugar content is changed by the weather,food fasinates me,folk's eating habits the same.

that being said I have yet to embrace many of the modern ways of cookery,the water bath something I fail to understand,for me it doesn't bring the best results out of the produce,yes consistency but not forgoing losing texture along the way.

but each to their own,funny one of my young chefs is a huge fan of making everything into gels,capsules of liquid flavour,me I again fail to see how you enhance the product,take an apple,a textureless sphere of gel against a caremalised pan fried apple.

for me only one winner,yes they both take technical skill but one for me takes away from the produce,the star of the show if you like and to end there are no additives,no setting agents.

I often find myself saying we are cooks not scientists!!!

Anyhow enough about food lol.

Markman I pass dickens birthplace every day on route to and from work,I have only been in once,the link with pompey and dicken's is tenuous at best,the city champions his being a Portsmouth man but in truth he never resided here for long.

Doyle is the writer I associate with Portsmouth,but I guess his commercial value is not quite the same.

My go to literary house is Batemans, Kiplings house in sussex,a truly awe inspiring place,the hairs on my neck stand up just thinking about it, I would like to think it has inspired many who have had the priveledge to visit.

So a late start,late finish today,the boss apologized yesterday for his outburst on sunday,I pretended I didn't notice his behaviour,leaving him feeling a trifle foolish, which was amusing.

the accounts lady from my outstanding private job has promised payment this week,claiming twice the bill was settled,my response 'you can't kid a kidder'

been there done that,just through her raising her tone I knew she was lying,so I pointed out the simple fact.

so lets hope a line can be drawn under it,funny because they requested my services again,lol not likely!!!

Three days off follows today's shift,three days to enjoy my wife's company and relax.

All gifted by my constant decision to embrace recovery.

the gift that never stop's giving.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

You say caramelized apple I visualize t**t Tatin. I always come away from reading your diary hungry too! Hope work's gentle on you today, three days off with the family doesn't sound too bad, lots of people off with their kids this week in our office as its half term. An apple gel doesn't sound half as appetizing, but different strokes for different folks I guess.

Enjoy your time off,

Ryan

Hi Duncs,

Have a lovely 3 days off with Sarah, family and not forgetting the hounds.lol.

Suzanne xxx

Afternoon diary

So today I have the first of three days off,I got up early this morning,really early lol,my mind full of many thoughts,Sandra's early morning post levelled me,f**k she gave to addiction,the warning signs there but truthfully nothing anyone can do to stop it, then Dp's post it simply said 'dead'

I challenge anyone who has a recovery diary not to feel the pain,anguish from these threads,those are the tip of the iceburg this week,addiction worked it's way back into numerous threads,it has re commensed proceeding to reek it's destruction,it has spelt it's false lies,offered the addict deserving time alone with it,wanting to consume their every thought,being to it's own personal gain.

I have walked in those shoes,worn them through,walked in ones that were so worn out I resembled what I let addiction make me,I cared so little for myself towards the end of my gambling life that folk would cross the road to avoid me.

I couldn't see it.More over I refused to see it,I refused to see what being a 'gambler' had brought me to.

In all my gambling life,save the three hours I gave back to addiction during recovery,I never once looked for the option of recovery,I truly let addiction make me believe that the only life for me was a gambling one, I acted only upon addictions advise,f**k everyone else,'what did they know???'

I believe only by sharing recovery did I finally recognise that there is another way,a way to live a forefilling life,a life without feeding addiction.

Gambling broke me,truly broke me,is that the point everyone has to get to??

Do you have to let addiction damage your mental state so much that your life becomes one of no value in your eyes.

Do you have to seclude yourself from society because addiction brings such great shame,you picture yourself a loser through it but regretfully a greater loser without it.The promise of the hallowed 'big win'

for me the truth is no win would ever be great enough,addiction bred greed,I rubbed shoulders with it progressively for so much of my life I wanted to become it.

I wanted it's greed,I desired it's power,I adapted it's decieptful ways but I could never become addiction,I could just be further consumed by it.

I like others sought death,I actually let my addiction to progress to the point I wanted out,I in my addicted mind had spun my last bet and lost,life was not worth living

my value in my mind,utterly worthless.

Do you have to reach this point before you seek help?

Do you let your life never be told,too many folk top themselves through addiction.

I don't have the answers,f**k I wish I did.

Today I see it like this.

this morning I sent some of my chocolate brownie with joe to uni,because a fellow student and him have a common love,food,the lad has tried and failed brownie many times,my guess being he over cooks it,he wants to conform to the recipe and method.

He is not a cook but a literate,he can't therefore see out of the box,see past the black and white of the structured text.

Me I don't have the ability to help him,my recipe is not written,it is all done by visually working a process,chocolate behaves differently every time,it is like us

individual!!!!

There is no method,magic cure,medication,there is though recovery,like chocolate has to be tailored to your own palate.

One thing is for sure,Sandra,Patrick,the bear,rstg once you have tasted recovery you will return to it,it will be your saviour.

As for me,my mind is today at peace,I had a hike with the hounds,enjoyed shopping with Sarah for supper,some rare breed pork chops the order of the day,roasted veg and some mashed potato.

For me life gifts me a lesson every day,sometimes it doesn't taste too great,but I will embrace it the same.

and today Rob,you sweetened it,Well done my friend!!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

No bet today.

Hi Duncs,

What a eye opening post...i actually read it few times over night and just when was facing a little devil this morning, i went through your post again and said NO! My life is more important than temporary escape with devastating consequences.

so thank you for shielding me with the strength of this post.

keep winning my friend, keep living and enjoying the recovery. Priceless piece to have in our lives...

Sandra xx

Hi Duncs,

Thanks for message, and I know you will be enjoying your well deserved days off.

You are so right spent years counting pennies and getting loans and money otherwhereabouts, but did I use it for essentials did I f**k, Every penny I secretly got through one way or another went straight to feed my addiction.

Now we are able to buy essentials and pay debts and bills without me dishonestly deceiving My OH and not getting into any more debt, and yes every day my recovery gifts me in soo many ways, even on days that I can't see it,

Choosing every single day to say no, is my salvation, and I am able to do this everyday because of the support I get from all you lovely people, who simply understand. (Hard work from me too lol)

Keep strong,keep positive,keep safe,and keep winning my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Afternoon diary.

So glad you took something from my post Sandra,I guess that is one of the many reasons I chart my recovery journey here.

The ever presence of writing on my thread is one of the most valuable weapons I have in my armoury in my quest to live a life of continued abstinence,it's ability to gift my resolve grows with every post I read,write and recieve.

I use my diary as a form of self medication,I know what happens if i don't post,addiction see's it as a green light.

Addiction uses good,bad,ugly,happy,sad,angry,Waking f**k even time asleep to invade our minds with it's bul#ls#hi#t preaching about how good gambling is,well has been or will be in the future.

This diary shoots holes in addictions protests it pi#s#ses over the ridiculous notions it preaches because the black and white fact is

I am a compulsive gambler.

in action I relentlessly gamble until the well is dry,I then beg,burrow steal to feed addiction, I turn my back on those I profess to love,I withdraw from society,work becomes nothing more than an unpleasant hinderence,gambling becomes my soul focus,my purpose.I live by a mantra

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

addiction ensures it that,it consumes my every breathe.

Recovery slams the door,the cycle is broken,a new mantra is lived,it's on offer each morning I awake

abstinence turns that manta on it's head,Each day I make the choice to arrest what a part of my brain craves I actually achieve what that side of the brain simply couldn't

Today I WON,today I made myself a winner,tomorrow I can choose the same.

I hope to a man we all embrace that choice.

turn on your own light,f**k living in the shadow of addiction,it will turn out your light if you let it.

abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Smashing post Duncs.

Thanks so much for the post,support and reality check,it came at a time I really needed it.
You made me stop and think things through logically,much more than £250 would be gambled;my peace of mind and my families happiness,too much to risk.
Sincerely thank you.

Hi Duncs,

Lovely powerful 2 last posts,, your posts always top my resolve up even more,

Have a great gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx