Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs

thanks very much for your post it's due to the camaraderie of the forum I'm where i am today...i am having a couple of beers to celebrate....have a great nights sleep...Ginger.

Hi Dunc's

Your positivity always puts a smile on my face. 🙂

Keep up the good work.

Warm regards... S.A

Evening diary.

Well home from work, a grueling day, busy and for the next ten days we are a chef light as it's use it or lose it annual holiday entitlement time, lol looks like I will be taking the last two weeks of march off to use up mine, although I suspect the boss will table an offer this week to pay my holiday as extra, as those two weeks are busy, I will negotiate a deal, I would rather stock my freezer with meat and fish rather than gift a f*****g great sum to the tax man.

We shall see.

The chef who is taking leave at present is a recovering alcoholic, six years since he had a drink, he is very bitter towards the fact he cannot drink, blames the world and it's dog for it, he has never addressed the reason he drank himself close to death and refuses to enter recovery, I have spoken very honestly with him about recovery, about facing your past to move on and live a life of enjoyment as a result, he seems to think that by constantly threatening to return to drink it's a weapon to use against the world.

If he makes a mistake, or fails at something, the threat surfaces, with it a terrible underlying anger.

I know through experience of being an addict myself that the only person he stands to damage is himself.

Anger, huge deep rooted anger, the feeling of constantly being hard done by, the feeling that nobody understands you is something addiction exaggerated greatly in my life as an active addict.

I believe through recovery, my recovery that this was addiction using my emotions to further isolate me, detach me from the world.

Through active addiction minor issues got hugely magnified, everything became a massive problem, then without doubt that issue was blown out of all proportion by my running to the call of addiction, the escapism.

I often over analysed every word spoken by folk, not spoken by folk and addiction used it to further fuel my underlying rage.

In recovery I have balance, I have a voice that I am not afraid to use if I feel I can make a worthy contribution, I have nothing to hide, nothing to fear, in the sense that whilst active in addiction I wanted to remain anonymous, under the radar, I had a terrible secret I needed to protect, today I also understand the value in silence, that my opinions at times are best served to be kept my own.

Recovery offers growth of my mind, I value everything and everyone the same.

I won't judge as I know how it feels to be judged.

My constant mantra, stepping forward never back is fundamental in concreting my belief.

Days add up, yes they are significant, but numbers no longer consume my every thought, recovery is not a competition, there are no prizes for longivity, most of all in my recovery journey I have no end game, I fully understand that there isn't a day where my choice to abstain will be greater or less than the day before.

When I say there are no prizes, I embrace that fully, because in my experience when there are prizes on offer, it means there's going to be winners and losers and in recovery there are no losers.

Will are all rewarded.

Long may many enjoy the fruits of recovery.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs, not for the first time I'm lost for words...another magical post..I truly am enjoying the fruits of recovery...onwards and upwards...Ginger.

Morning diary

Thanks for your kind words ginger, I find huge therapy writing here.

So today I have a day's rest, I just battled the fierce wind across the hi#ll with the hounds, we took refuge for a moment, I sat on a long disused water trough, the boys enjoyed a tripe sausage, the place alive with birds going about their mating rituals and I was treated to a magnificent display by the courting peregrine falcons, what a joy to witness, the effortless way they find the wind foils and mimic each other's every move. They have nested upon the lime cliff for the past eight years rearing many young, the playground they share with many forms of wildlife, all set against the backdrop of portsmouth, I guess many of the folk who live here don't pay attention to the beauty that they are gifted.

I sat thinking this is serene, beautiful, calming, inspiring, I am privileged to have been gifted.

But the truth is my life is wholesome today, my inner self is feeling the effects of the effort I give to living, I am humbled to get to share such an amazing canvas to live it on.

My relationship with the world has changed dramatically over the past year and a half, without doubt when I entered into recovery I assumed by abstaining from gambling my life would improve, I naively thought it was enough to just eliminate gambland for those first 587 days I did just that, I arrested the next punt, nothing more and expected my mind to forget about the addiction it carries.

The opportunity to feed addiction arose, the triangle broken and like only a day had passed I returned to gambling, it hurt, the realisation that my gamble free days amounted to nothing, addiction cashed them in, without batting an eyelid.

I couldn't believe i had done it, all the signs read I was 'cured' I in truth had never addressed my addiction, I merely stopped feeding it.

I am today 488 days gamble free, one hundred days off the longest period of abstinence for my entire adult life, but I know that today I am in yardage 1000's away from the person I had become through living a life consumed by addiction, I have learnt to outwardly seek addiction, I know at all times where it lurks, I understand what it uses to capitalise on my weaknesses to simply feed it's own gain, today I live in harmony with my addiction, I am in recovery.

Recovery has gifted me in so many ways, it's effect profound, it has enabled me to peel off the rotten layers addiction built aroundme, it leaves a product that I am wholly comfortable to live within.

As I wrote yesterday, this is a life choice, for me there cannot be a single minutes let up, I am simply all in.

Today would have been simply wasted all through my gambling life, I would have tortured my mind and not considered gifting well earned rest for my body, I would have returned to work in a worse state for a day off.

Today I write to remind myself of that fact.

Today I shall enjoy catching up with the tv I have missed, I will enjoy some peace and quiet, this afternoon I will set about cooking a roast, the butcher provided some amazing beef, then at supper I will get to enjoy my families company, the family I nearly gifted to addiction.

I accept that I cannot change my past, I live for the future, in recovery it paints a picture almost as beautiful as the one I enjoyed with our hounds, and like that picture to see it I had to open my eyes.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

No bet today, why would I? You can't replace what I would stand to lose.

Thank you Duncan

Today i live in harmony with my addiction.
Wise words to those seeking recovery

Dan

Morning diary.

Day@atime Fella I believe in recovery, it has become my life choice, before anything else recovery comes first, because without it I would have no foundations to build life upon.

Yesterday I had a great day off, had an unexpected call from a fellow gamcarer, great to talk for a while, great for the resolve.

Popped to the shops, got the full array of vegetables to accompany the beef, got home and set about cooking supper, the beef was fantastic, I will be passing the butchers on route to work and I will doff my hat to him.

We had a good chat around the dinner table, I love to sit at the table to eat, a dying trend in today's world, many folk just don't have the time it would seem.

Recovery has reignited our family values, drawn us closer together, we have a very honest policy, it really works for us, makes us a pretty formidable team.

To think I very nearly spun it all away on a £500 dream breaker.

So back to work today, a six day straight, the weekend again a busy one, believe it or not I have an outstanding christmas functionto cater for on sSaturday night!!!!

This week I will still seek balance, to find myself not working for as many hours as I am.

Simply because I know what value that brings to the table.

Good to see Stephen posting again, fella I hope you start again to enjoy recovery.

It for me is nothing but a pleasure.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncs,

93 days gamble free for me, the last weekend I gambled I posted I had by miracle won all my money back and I was giving up. You posted that it would have been better if I had lost it all. At the time I thought that was crazy, but the following day I woke and lost it all that afternoon. You were right it was better to lose it all, because now I'm on day 93 and I'm feeling like a different person. Your many words of wisdom on my diary while I struggled and repeatedly slipped up have helped me get back on track. You've made me realise that recovery gifts me far more than gambling ever does. Hopefully Tranmere can somehow survive this season and I can buy you a pint next season when we play at Pompey, you really are a top bloke Duncs!

I like many others here look forward to reading your posts, theres always a new snippet that really hits home. Its brilliant to read how close and happy a family you are.

Phil

Evening diary
Well I have not had a minute spare in the past two days.our daughter turned 19 yesterday so juggled work and as much time at home as possible.she had a good day so that in its self is enough.
Read a thread at the top of the forum it made me recall a story told in my GA room.
Which is worse
The millionaire who is a high roller,he gambles way beyond his means and devastates his fortune.or the window cleaner who scratch's out a meagre living who's wife sends him to the shop with enough money for the weekly food shop,but like many times before he goes to the bookies and loses the lot through his like the millionaire inability to walk away.
Surely the answer is both cases are the same,they are both equally destructed by the compulsion to gamble.
Money is just the fuel that feeds addiction,to gamble repeatedly more than you can afford because you live by the mantra we all share.
I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.
I have sat with folk from all walks of life,to a man they have all been deeply effected by gambling.
I learnt early on to value them all the same,because the addiction is a great leveller,it doesn't take into account class,it's not prejudice,it ruins as many affluent folk as working class.
In recovery I have been enlightened by all classes.
I am not here to judge,recovery is not a competition to see who can P#iss the furthest.
It's for me about accepting my shortfalls and addressing them as best I can.
Again tonight I find myself being questioned as to what Recovery means.
I can see the old brainwashed comment being cast.
Well as I wrote before
I eagerly await the next service wash.
Because it has served my life well in more ways than I ever believed possible.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dunc,

Glad to read you are well. Continued best wishes,

gazza

Hi Duncs,

Great post as always. Lovely to read your strength and belief growing with each passing day.
Thank you so much for your unconditional support, you are always here..at a ready to pick fallen soldiers up. I had a good think about your words..BLOCKS. yes my friend, something i should of done long ago, but got into my head that if i can do a one year run g free i don't need those. How wrong was i...but i am learning and learning every day. For it im thankful to all of you on here and the most important part of my life - found recovery.

Strength and honour my friend
Look after yourself and your loved ones.

Sandra x

Morning diary

Nt recovery is for me the one selfish act I will allow myself, because it can only have a profoundly positive effect not only upon myself, but of others to boot.

So yesterday got busy at work, the sun tempting folk out and the money from their wallets, today I have another long day and tomorrow the same, then Monday off, a day to rest.

I feel deeply alive, my body is coping, only my elbow pains me this morning, last Saturday I slipped whilst walking the hounds and it is swollen and burns inside, still I have another one lol.

Tonight we have a Christmas function, lol I asked yesterday is it incredibly early or late lol.

Addiction has cast itself to the duldrums of my mind, I simply don't have time for it, my life music drowning out any of its weak protests that gambling is 'FUN'

Gambling is a total waste of time, effort and it can f**k off!!!!!!

Glad to read fafavdoc found the GA room, eventually lol.

If it rewards you just half as much as it has me then you'll be astounded.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Addiction has cast itself to the duldrums of my mind, I simply don't have time for it, my life music drowning out any of its weak protests that gambling is 'FUN'

Gambling is a total waste of time, effort and it can f**k off!!!!!!

You have been saying this for so long Duncs but finally my head understands what my heart has been saying all along, aside you on the recovery road creating that wonderful music.

xxx

Great post Duncs it says it all, except Xmas venues, Ohh HD rather you than me, lol.

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary
Well got through yesterday,all went well,strange serving roast turkey and all the trimmings in march,made me think mind,the mac house has a beautiful butterfly breast in the freezer,maybe tomorrow we will feast,lol crackers anyone lol.
So got home at midnight and back on route.my drive today,the boss is treating us to a curry at the close of play.
So Cheltenham this week,addiction will try to convince me to use my 'skill' and pick a long shot.
Well my old friend the only thing I will be picking is a fight with you.
f**k it there won't be any Queensberry rules my gloves are off,I am going to play it your way,eye gouging,ear pulling,f**k I will throw in a few low blows if I get the chance.to return the favor so to speak.
My life in recovery is worth more than staking a single penny on any punt in any form.

I simply couldn't replace what I would risk losing,that starts with my f*****g mind!!!!!!
Turn up the volume
Lets all have a disco la la la la
Lol yes its early and I could have done with a few more minutes sleep lol.
No bet today,why waste my time.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.