Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

The truth is in the end there is only ever one winner.

Recovery for me too was / is the only option otherwise I would have simply lost my mind and I dont say this lightly I serious think I could have ended up in some kind of mental institution such was the state of my mind after endless roulette blow out sessions.

The scary thought for me is I am only one day / hour / minute from that happening again , yes I have blocks in place but do I have enough blocks there to protect me.

The answer is I can only protect myself from what I know to be evil and the mind games the roulette table can play with you is endless.

Looking at my life I realise it is full of stress before gambling , that will not go away with the high pressure job I am in , gambling was my escape but the truth was just ended up deeper in stress afterwards after losses upon losses.

Life is better without gambling , but this last few days I have been more fearful than normal I will fall off the recovery path considering gambling to solve money issues.

Your posts as always are an inspiration to many Dunc , just reading them is a very calming thought.

Afternoon diary thanks for all your kind words, my thread is often written as it is in my head, often a jumbled up mess, what addiction left behind through my devotion to it's gain.

Been out this morning to collect our gift for our joes birthday on Friday, the big 21.

We have researched hard and at great depths to ensure we have bought the right thing, something for him to have for hopefully many years to come and get great pleasure from.

The soul reason for our ability to purchase it is because I have not waged a bet to fund it, it comes through hard graft.

With this comes a huge sense of pride and with honesty an true sense of forefillment, because to buy something with I truly earned the money for also carries a greater meaning, it doesn't come through brash actions or my trying to out trump the world.

It is simply a gesture of our unconditional love to our eldest son.

I read a lot here on the forum about returning to 'normal' and when that will come about in terms of time in recovery, on which my take is this.

I am not normal, conventional, I am a recovering compulsive gambler, I am an ADDICT I will be an addict for life, everything in my life is presented as a challenge, addiction wants me to feed it, it craves for me to pretend I am like a great deal of folk, that I should throw caution to the wind and jump on their 'fun' bus.

The gambling industry has provided me with the ability to'control' my time spent and money gambled by its limit setting function on my nemesis the 'fobt'

So that when I do return to 'normal' oh the FUN I shall have.

Well I have news for myself, breaking news, I would if I gave into addictions plea not join the fun bus I would through the act of gambling throw myself under the bus!!!

I cannot control my brain when I gamble, that is the consequence of being a compulsive gambler.

To the gambling industry, I have written before and will humour myself again, your money spent on this self regulating of the fobt is nothing short of ridiculous, you just wheeled another elephant into the room.

Oh and to the tune of 'bad betty bam ba lam'

To no doubt try to trigger my gambling brain, because you by showing that roulette wheel spinning each time you belittle my addiction don't make me think oh what fun, you just gift my addiction another opportunity to ride to the fore of my mind.

A cynical person would say you have done this on purpose, but hey I am no cynic lol.

I accept that black and white of my situation.

I am not a normal, conforming, rational fella, I belong to a different band.

I also accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with belonging to said band, well save for the fact that I would properly f**k things up if I tried to conform to normality.

It's far from doom and gloom mind, I am blessed with a truly outstanding gift.

Abstinence, recovery, a 24/7 real opportunity to live.

To which I am all in.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

I

WOW Duncs I can feel everything you have put in this post, sooo very proud and honoured to be walking along side with you. Your post has reduced mt to tears not sad ones, but ones of your determination, your hope and what you have achieved and fought soo hard to get for yourself and therefore your lovely family. I feel all your emotions and determinations in your posts,

Nothing else to say except thank you for sharing your hard journey of abstinence, and thank you for supporting me on and off the forum it means and has done so much for me in my recovery, You Steve and our Sandra I will be eternally grateful to.

Always walking the walk with you my dear friend.

You deserve every single gift that recovery gives you, and hey who is normal anyway, lol.

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

Suzanne, glad to have you by my side my dear friend.

So came on to post last night but I read the returning post of niboy and spent a while posting upon his thread.

His post was parallel to many of the last days of my gambling life, the knowledge for him is there that gambling will continue to devastate his life with every punt but through devotion to addiction he can't see any other way of life.

He wrote that he has done many things to address addiction but still wants to gamble.

That made me think of all the interventions I received throughout,my gambling life, good folk trying to show me the damage I was reaping upon my life and many others to boot.

For twenty years I simply worked on dodging the bullet, life became about dealing with the fallout of the last gambling episode to enable a fresh episode to begin.

I would never address lifes issues just run to the next punt, beg, burrow, lie, cheat and steal to do so.

The last Christmas of my gambling life 2011 was the catalyst for the end, I sat in a room with all my family and simply wasn't there, I saw my life unfolding before my eyes, I had brought so much hurt to those amazing folk, all in the pursuit of feeding addiction.

I gambled for a further 21 days after that christmas, 21 days further until addiction finally broke me, addiction took it's victory, it lorded itself, crushed my want to live, and I fed it still in the hope of change.

On the 23/01/2012 I was defeated by addiction it beat me up good and proper.

Today in recovery I can see what devotion to addiction, the escapism, the relentless feeding my addictions desire brought to my life , but like many others it took some terrible events to take place for me to see that damage.

Today I remember that, it serves to build my resolve.

I am happy to look back into the mirror and see the fella who looks back.

To be rewarded so hugely by accepting recovery astounds me, it consumes me.

Today our eldest turned 21, tonight we will enjoy some fabulous company in celebration.

In the meantime I am off to watch the eclipse, all be it through the clouds lol.

Still every cloud has a silver lining, the hounds won't need their glasses!

Then I have some serious cooking to do!!

Lastly a huge well done to Steve, one year gamble free, I hope the first of many my dear friend.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Hi Dunc's... thats what Christmas is like for me when am in gambling mode. I am simply "not there" in mind or soul. My body is present and going through the motions but inside I am like the livng dead waiting for evening to come so I can make an excuse to go to bed. Christmas is a time when addiction rubs its hands in glee and reaps the rewards of all its efforts during the year.

Thankfully you won't have to feel that way again and if I stay on the straight and narrow, nor will I.

Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Morning diary.

Well our joe had a great day Friday, some truly great company and I am proud to have been a part of the celebration.

He was stoked with his gift, a camera, something we look forward to seeing the results of.

My ma made him an album full of memories, something that I hope that he can build upon, gladly without the clouds of my addiction hanging over our lives any longer.

I had a really good chat with my ma to boot, I really do feel that everyone in my life benefits from ongoing recovery.

So the celebrations continue today, the climax of the weekend, 'el classico'

I hope joes team triumphs, funny how a lad who grew up in pompey has such a passion for barca, but hey he astounds me with his knowledge and belief, he even learnt the language whilst at college.

It's good to see, secretly I sometimes wish it was pompey, but hey our callum is flying that flag lol.

So today I feel grounded, addiction in my plain view, just where I like the dirty f****r!!

My recovery as always my first action of my waking day, to address it, again confining it to the duldrums of my inner mind.

I waged enough of my hard earned to have a lifetime membership to this amazing life on offer.

I no longer have the mantle 'the world's biggest loser'

Hung from my neck, today I again chose to swing addiction from it.

Apt.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary.

My mind has been having a clear out today, rubbish sitting in there, the remnants of my gambling life.

Today I have been thinking about my relationship with money, wealth, accumulated funds was how my mind measured folk, not for there influence or wellbeing but how much their net worth was, I through this way of thinking lost all sense of purpose for the money I had, because simply I was too busy looking over the fence at the next man.

Today money has nothing more than a function in my life, it is not the contending factor, the be all and end all.

Ironically today I have more of it at my disposal today but I know that how ever much I possess it won't alone bring happiness or power.

Money today comes with responsibility, with it we enable ourselves to function, with it today I know that I can bring good.

Recovery has gifted me my thinking regards money, with it I have unwittingly given addiction another boot where it hurts.

I don't measure my wellbeing by it, I know how foolish a notion that is.

Addiction promised more, only to do the opposite, to take all it could.

But we all know addiction is nothing but a lying, cheating, piece of sh#it, with no place to be active in our lives.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

duncanmac wrote:

Afternoon diary.

My mind has been having a clear out today, rubbish sitting in there, the remnants of my gambling life.

Today I have been thinking about my relationship with money, wealth, accumulated funds was how my mind measured folk, not for there influence or wellbeing but how much their net worth was, I through this way of thinking lost all sense of purpose for the money I had, because simply I was too busy looking over the fence at the next man.

Today money has nothing more than a function in my life, it is not the contending factor, the be all and end all.

Ironically today I have more of it at my disposal today but I know that how ever much I possess it won't alone bring happiness or power.

Money today comes with responsibility, with it we enable ourselves to function, with it today I know that I can bring good.

Recovery has gifted me my thinking regards money, with it I have unwittingly given addiction another boot where it hurts.

I don't measure my wellbeing by it, I know how foolish a notion that is.

Addiction promised more, only to do the opposite, to take all it could.

But we all know addiction is nothing but a lying, cheating, piece of sh#it, with no place to be active in our lives.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

well done duncs

inspiring honesty and shares

thanks

Hi Duncan,

i really liked how you described how money as coming with responsibility and that it's just got a function and not the be all and end all.

I stress most days about money.

However I know I was c##P at gambling so no point Me trying that again 🙂

Nowadays I work for a living.

Always enjoy reading you're thoughts.

John. no bet since 02/04/2014

Morning diary.

Thanks for dropping by fellas, good for the soul.

I often wonder if being part of this forum comes with a new challenge, to have social responsibility.

What I mean is as an active gambler I couldn't look after myself, so why would I give a f**k about anybody else.

The truth is unless you were going to fund my next punt I didn't want to know.

Recovery brought me back into society, firstly in the GA room, I felt I wanted to share, I wanted everyone who came through the door to feel the same, no strings attached, just a want for folks misery to end, that feeling moved into other parts of my daily life, I stop and talk with the homeless folk of pompey, dog walkers get a brisk hello, at work I listen rather than loath.

What do I want in return?

Nothing more than a better understanding of life, how I can live it better.

So I asked myself this morning, do I owe this forum, it's editors, a debt?

The answer is I simply owe it to myself to write upon my thread, warts and all.

Why?

Because I have learnt a great deal, I have gained an education here, I do each day.

I have found an outlet for my thoughts, those thoughts that addiction used to devour and twist often into something they were not.

This diary has allowed me to grow, to learn, to accept when I am wrong and embrace the right in life in equal quantities.

My thread enables balance, harmony.

I have seen a great deal of traffic pass through the forum, something that is for me like the ga room a factor in recovery.

I believe that early in my writing here I was singly focused, I believed in a one size fits all recovery programme, I guess I took it from the 3d world of ga. The fact that men and women from many walks of life embraced the same programme with the same outcome, gambling stopped destroying their lives.

But to say that today I know that I would be covering the black and white, the skinny is that in my room 3 people out of every 100 that walk through the doors Abstain from gambling for a calendar year.

A statistic I believe would be there or there abouts here, one I would love to change but I know that won't come about through ramming my recovery down anyone's throat, I will simply carry on writing upon my thread, gifting myself the great sense of wellbeing it brings.

I don't know what else can be done, I guess most things have been tried, as without doubt my entire recovery is born from other recovering gambling addicts learnings, which they kindly passed on, which I was willing to embrace because truthfully I had no other choice, because I was truly broken by my own addiction and knew that I needed help.

Something that for twenty progressive years I had failed to seek.

But as I wrote at the very beginning of this post, unless ga offered an introductory bet they could f**k off with the rest of em!

I understand in today's money the only persons recovery I can truly affect is my own.

It won't stop me giving it away unconditionally in the hope that it's awesome power will affect another like it has me.

It's free and never stops giving.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

I have had most of the day off, had a huge list of chores and a visit to the doctors.

Cooked up a lovely piece of gammon for supper which we had with some eggs, delicious and set me up for a busy working weekend. Too boot I have an hours sleep robbed on Saturday night! !! Lol.

Still that means riding home at sunset is looming a time of the year I love.

Just been into the chat room for the first time, it was like holding a three way conversation with all my kids about four different subjects lol, this mechanical man got lost, I was a dozen posts behind and I guess one finger typing should be kept for the sedate pace of my diary.

Good to see further unity, anything that helps anyone is a good thing.

Today I got to see joe using his new camera, we wandered together across the hi#ll with the hounds and he captured some great images and some of the huge American aircraft carrier anchored in the solent.

Good for my soul, great for my resolve.

Right enough rambling, sarah has enjoyed towie on catch up, now we will enjoy the debate on channel 4.

See if anyone can persuade me not to spoil my own vote.

No bet today, the odds simply never enough to risk what I would be staking.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Lovely positive post Duncs and dare I say I can see contentment in it, that is a big milestone to feel contented, and the addiction will simply utterly hate that.

Be very proud of how you have turned your life around by making the right choices, which simply are abstain and maintain.

Have a great gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx

Morning diary.

Suzanne Thanks for your kind words, contented, yes today I am fully content with the life I live, funny because it is the life that was always on offer, gambling blinded me from it, it fed upon my weaknesses, it ate away at my self esteem, it kidded me into believing that nothing was 'good' enough.

So my scales of life/work balance have been tipped out of balance, the chef departing has given the outcome of a huge workload for me and some holes forming.

I addressed it with the boss as I know what the outcome would be if I didn't.

My life would become about purely work, my mental and physical health would very quickly deteriorate and I have walked that road before.

The boss didn't like my blunt honesty, but I know the long term outcome will benefit everyone so I can deal with his short term sulking.

It's funny in life, on occasions when I have pushed myself to my very limits to fix a temporary problem, bosses have presumed that this can become the normal, usually resulting in my week growing by several hours to no benefit except in the wallet of others.

Today I work hard but understand my boundaries, limitations and the bottom line is I work to live, not live to work.

So I am typing this laying in bed, enjoying the company of my beautiful wife and the hounds who found their way in lol!!!

Off to work later, a fair days graft for a fair days pay.

Going to have a go at making some easter eggs this week, I squirrelled away some amazing chocolate for the purpose and it would be a fitting use for it.

Good to see mark posting again, an episode of gambling during recovery surely only becomes failure if the result is recovery is not sought at the outcome.

The last punt I laid had a profound effect upon my life, it concreted the reason why a punt in any form is unacceptable.

Because I fully understand the effect it has on my wellbeing.

Recovery offers growth, prosperity, better mental health and a fella who I like the look of when I look in the mirror.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Oh don't forget to move those clocks forward, lol I kidded myself all week that I was gaining an hour in bed tonight!

Hey Duncs,

Sooo good to see you in such a high spirits and gifting yourself recovery which is the best gift for mind and spirit. Most important it is being shared with your loved ones and everyone around you 🙂

Way to go dear soldier and keep up this amazing work! Such an inspiration

Sandra x

Ps. Clocks forward?..aweee d**n..that means even less sleep for me lol...(i will sleep all night at some point lol)

Morning diary.

on route to work,I have had my hour stolen lol and feel like I should still be in bed!!!!busy day today then tomorrow off so you won't catch me complaining.had a good day yesterday all started by Sarah and I facilitating all the bills for the month ahead,ok the bank balance is not amazing but the knowledge that nobody will be knocking the door looking for debt repayment is the results of three years relentless re payment's

something that has been a very important part of my recovery,to repair the damage financially rather than run from it.life will significantly improve from this month something I know is a dangerous thing for a compulsive gambler because addiction will again be canvassing my mind.well it can go take a hike.without it I get to live.with it I cash in not only my hard earned but my life.that winning streak continues with those three magical words this morning 'No bet today ' ​abstain and maintain. Duncs stepping forward never back.

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