Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Well yesterday turned into a good day for my kitchen, the wind howled, less customers came than usual and we utilised the time greatly, we stripped, scrubbed, cleaned, prepped ourselves into the ground.

I can report that for the first time in weeks we are ahead of the game.

This brings a great sense of wellbeing and peace of mind for me.

So a day's rest today, my elbow is in agony lol but my mind again at peace with itself.

I have had some decent applications in for the vacant chefs position so I hope the storms have been weathered.

A shoulder of lamb slow roasting in the oven, house work done, hounds walked and bathed after an encounter with something long dead!!! Disgusting beasts lol, they performed some kind of dance by sliding in it before I could stop them.

Ha ha there will be leads in place for this afternoon's saunter! !!!!

Joe is coming armed with his camera.

Addiction cast back into that deep dark recess of my mind

I will be keeping watch over the dirty b#as#t@#rd!!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs, I love logging on & seeing your diary updates (even if they do make me salivate)...I am still honoured that you take the time not only to read but to post on mine, thank-you 🙂

What is it with hounds...Our little mutt won't trade his toy for anything, or so we thought until the rabbits started depositing again all over the field :-0 He's very careful to keep it locked in his jaws when he speed rolls in worms/foxes poo/anything that is dead that he can't eat but those little pellets must be a true delicacy?!? I can't imagine what hard work bathing yours must be :-0

Keep those proverbial bricks to hand as you march forwards choosing life - ODAAT

Morning diary.

Odaat, you made me smile this morning, we have whippets, the second smallest sight hounds, the pocket rockets as they are known, only their legs make them look big, but believe me they put them to great use at the sight of the elusive rabbit lol, oh and entertain us no end when snuggled up together as they play kurplunk!!!! Lol

So a good day yesterday, plenty of r and r, supper went down a storm, silence at the table always a good sign.

So back to work shortly, busy week ahead, most folk get a four day weekend, I get the equivalent to two weekends in a week! !!

Still you won't catch me complaining, our holiday looms, circa six weeks away, my beautiful wife has lost more than a stone in herquest to enjoy a bikini, dropping a clothes size in the process, I think it is the smallest she has been since the birth of our eldest and between you and I she looks amazing, she has always taken my breathe away. X

My plan to provide shade for her whilst away with my ample frame lol is on course, who trusts a skinny chef?...

From it all I know that life today for me is about first and foremost being comfortable with what rattles around inside.

Recovery is the priority, it takes preference above everything else, because simply for me recovery provides the foundations for everything else.

I am fully committed to it, not because I have to, but because I want to, I have an overwhelming belief in recovery.

Funny because when addiction comes knocking, today I can see it's transparency, it's arguments are weakened by my ever growing resolve.

That comes from the many lessons that have been gifted to me through this ongoing process.

My gambling life could have been represented by an ever decreasing circle

Recovery like an un trodden road, one I savour each step of.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Just in from work, busy day getting prepared for a wedding tomorrow and then onto easter weekend, which will see me working more hours than I will spend at home.

The new chef starts tomorrow and hopefully things will get better in the coming weeks, with honesty I am prepared to go full tilt until mid May when sarah and I get to holiday for two weeks, the first time in our twenty two and a bit years together.

Today I am happily exhausted, mentally to boot, but I feel a huge sense of inner peace.

Riding the bus home I let my mind wander, I looked back into my gambling life, the person who I became was deplorable, I was nothing short of a nasty person, I pushed everyone and everything away, I made ridiculous snap judgements about everything, I had eventually no sense of living, my drive was simply to gamble, it consumed my every breath, from it I just got more angry, bitter and vengeful.

I had a terrible outlook on not just my life but of life.

Recovery has brought monumental change, I no longer fret over the things I cannot change, I am willing to listen, I don't judge blindly, I work hard at making valuable contributions to life and living it.

By not gambling I don't have the burden of the outcome constantly distorting my thinking, gambling was always

Coulda, woulda, shoulda

The actions of any given active gambling day resonated through to the next, a constant destructive cycle.

But for me today that is the black and white, I am fully aware that I simply cannot place a single bet, because it would lead to the next bet.

For twenty years I had no exit plan, in fact I had no plans because I knew that making them would lead to me breaking them.

Recovery offers growth, I can plant seeds and watch them grow, I can see things mature rather than ripping out seedlings to survive.

My gambling life became about survival, I would step on any mans toes if I thought it would benefit my ability to gamble.

Recovery has made me look at the footprints I leave.

Today for the second time in a week a shop assistant has given me ten pounds too much change, in reply on both occasions I have handed the excess back.

Why?

Because I know the value of such an act is for me one of significance, because I want to simply live a fair life, one in which I cheatnnobody, starting with myself.

I have become for the first time in my life accountable for my own actions.

On both occasions the shop assistants were overwhelmed, in today's world I understand why.

All this was made possible the day I accepted recovery, the gift that never stops giving.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Lovely inspiring post as always Duncs, you truly deserve everything recovery is now gifting you with.

You are not that gambling man anymore who was totally lost in the world of that addiction.

Love the bit about planting seeds and watching them grow because it is so very true.

Suzanne xxx

Evening diary.

Just in from a grueling days graft, one which was made possible by the mindset recovery gifts.

Today is about john Ireland's thread, that fella joined the 3% club today, something my ramblings here i hope in time to see grow.

It is possible to gift yourself a better life, you have to want recovery to become more important than placing that next devastating punt, because it will never stop at that first bet.

The compulsive gambler's mantra I cannot win because I cannot stop will be turned upside down

I did win because I did stop.

That gift costs nothing but a 100% commitment.

Please take it, your life will improve beyond the outcome of any winning punt you ever lay.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you Duncan,
For it all.
I read the statistic about the 3% a while back and it really saddened me.
Yes recovery amazes me. Proper childlike awe sometimes. Ha ha.
It is a magic cape.
I look forward to future encounters. Best wishes to you and yours.
Your friend, john.

Morning diary

So a good night's sleep, a deep peaceful reinvigorating rest, up with the larks this morning, did youngests paper round with Sarah and the hounds so that callum is fully rested as he is joining me at work today to potwash.

Busy day awaits but I won't be failing to stand up to the task.

Hopefully the weather will clear later, callum will be leaving to go to a gig which will see me stay at work to ready the kitchen for the next onslaught tomorrow.

So another long day in prospect.

The gambling part of my brain appears to be taking the day off, funny as today as a child I remember was always a good day.

Why??

Because today when I was growing up was a day where gambling couldn't be facilitated because if I am right in saying good Friday was respected as a religious day, public houses opening hours shortened and the bookies closed.

Today that won't happen, because there is little or no respect for religious days any longer.

But for me I know my gambling brain was cultured at a very young age, standing outside the mysterious closed away world behind the blocked out windows and curtained doors.

Life for a gambler has torn down those barriers, gambling is as we all know a 24/7 365 days a year machine.

For me I won't be fooled by my addictions absence today because I know he will re introduce himself again to try to get control of my life.

Just for today I will enjoy the serenity of its absence.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

Nt thank you greatly for popping by, your comments are greatly appreciated.

So I have not long got in from work, another grueling days graft, six hours off and back to the stoves.

But I have the knowledge and the resolve to seek out the positives of my efforts.

Today was a good day, made greater by sharing an hour with my beautiful wife before I set off to work this morning.

Good for the soul, great for recovery.

Right sleep beckons.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Today I hope that the moderator's of this forum leave Stephen 2105's latest message unedited.

It is a truly compelling post, one which has again cemented my understanding that I cannot place a single penny on any form of gambling, because I have walked in those shoes.

If any one of you had encountered me during my entire gambling life, then that post most represents me.

I was asleep, I am truly worn out physically, the six day week taking a huge toll upon my body, sarah awoke me just after midnight to read said post, because she felt huge anguish, sadness and in truth like for a moment she was back living with an active compulsive gambler.

I behaved as Stephen wrote too many times towards her in that fashion, deplorable, something I am deeply ashamed of, something I know was the result of committing wholly to addiction.

I tried to sleep on the post, I consoled sarah, we slept fitfully.

I re lived the day I set off to end my own life, a dream which is presented at times when I am emotionally stressed.

I rode it, I today take great strength from it.

I am all in for one thing, recovery, to which I will take the bitter pills like today's as part of the recovery process.

It's not all singing and dancing, bells and whistles

But I without doubt know the results of a commitment to total abstinence have a profoundly positive effect upon not just my life but of those I hold dear to my heart.

Now I will seek solice on the hi#ll with my hounds.

Some demons to get blown out from within my mind.

Then duty calls, another busy day of holidaying for many to enjoy.

A portion of which I look forward to this evening when I will get to join my family at the dinner table.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler, no bet today.

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Have a good day at work Duncs and thankyou .

Sxxxxxxx

duncanmac wrote:

Morning diary.

Today I hope that the moderator's of this forum leave Stephen 2105's latest message unedited.

It is a truly compelling post, one which has again cemented my understanding that I cannot place a single penny on any form of gambling, because I have walked in those shoes.

If any one of you had encountered me during my entire gambling life, then that post most represents me.

I was asleep, I am truly worn out physically, the six day week taking a huge toll upon my body, sarah awoke me just after midnight to read said post, because she felt huge anguish, sadness and in truth like for a moment she was back living with an active compulsive gambler.

I behaved as Stephen wrote too many times towards her in that fashion, deplorable, something I am deeply ashamed of, something I know was the result of committing wholly to addiction.

I tried to sleep on the post, I consoled sarah, we slept fitfully.

I re lived the day I set off to end my own life, a dream which is presented at times when I am emotionally stressed.

I rode it, I today take great strength from it.

I am all in for one thing, recovery, to which I will take the bitter pills like today's as part of the recovery process.

It's not all singing and dancing, bells and whistles

But I without doubt know the results of a commitment to total abstinence have a profoundly positive effect upon not just my life but of those I hold dear to my heart.

Now I will seek solice on the hi#ll with my hounds.

Some demons to get blown out from within my mind.

Then duty calls, another busy day of holidaying for many to enjoy.

A portion of which I look forward to this evening when I will get to join my family at the dinner table.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler, no bet today.

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

To another day in vigilence

tri

Morning diary.

Well yesterday turned out to be the busiest day of the public holiday, sun out and we got super busy, actually ran out of a great deal of the menu by close of play.

So today I have another long day ahead, rebuilding stock levels, but every cloud and all

Tomorrow a day's rest, or a day to accomplish all the tasks my dearly beloved has in mind lol.

I got to enjoy a fabulous supper with the family last night, perfectly cooked by my beautiful wife, then another early night.

I feel invigorated today, don't want to waste a minute.

Yesterday my thinking leaned towards another priceless lesson recovery has offered.

In my adult life previous to finding recovery I had a huge arrogance towards many things, I would either try something once or even not at all yet have massively over inflated opinions on the subject, resulting in me spouting off about how this, that and the other is, should be and more often how shi#te it was.

Anyone else's opinion counted for nothing and knowledge, well why waste my time learning, educating myself after all in life I needed to put little or no effort in because gambling would be the provider.

With every win my ignorance grew, my arrogance manifested into anger and I just ran further from the truth.

The truth is I don't know a great deal, but what I do know I respect.

Through recovery I have learnt the true value in pinning my ears back and listening, learning, educating myself at every opportunity.

From this I know that I have gifted myself an awesome sense of being, I actually control my thinking, I have for the first time in my forty years on this earth something gambling addiction will never offer.

I have self respect.

I accept the things I cannot change and work to better the things I can change, most of all I enjoy what fruits I bare.

As a fella wrote here on many occasions

GAMBLING IS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

Addiction can put that in its pipe and smoke it, because simply I am not fooled by the rubbish it preached to my brain for twenty years, I don't have a problem with the rest of the world, fact is gambling addiction made it look that way.

Today I know differently.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Dunc, dropping by to pass on my best wishes to you and yours. Gazza

Great post Duncan.

I walked into GA believing i knew best about my addiction despite 30 years of evidence to the contrary.

It was only when as you rightly said i started to listen & accept that others may have better solutions than i that things started to turn around. So many people looking for reasons that it wont work rather than trying what might work.

The day i stopped running was the day recovery had a chance to catch me & suggest there was another choice.