Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening diary.

I have had a day off work today, the first in a couple of weeks, sarah and I got up early and took ourselves and our beloved hounds on the train to Mottisfont, to visit the national trust property there, a truly magnificent day had, we smiled, laughed even got to walk hand in hand. A day in which the true value of my purpose for living gifted to me.

Home now and after walking a good ten miles we have had supper and retired to bed lol, both us and the hounds.

Opening my emails I saw one from the administrators of the forum.

I have had a post edited because of the nature of its contents.

Truthfully I expected that, I understand the forum can't be used in that nature but seriously I really do hope that the administrators have put the same effort into ensuring that the author has the correct professional help and support.

Before I would have written a post along the lines of the administrators edit threads to hide the issues at stake, that the administrators don't want to jepodise any future funding so on and so forth, but any negativity just works against the primary goalhhere

Recovery.

Gambling addiction feeds on negativity, I'm f****d if I'm feeding it.

It had enough of my time, money and effort.

Just for today I will enjoy the gift I gave myself.

Abstinence.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Gambling feeds on negitivity , and you have none of that now my friend.

And just for today enjoy your gift, Abstinence, you truly deserve it .

Suzanne xxx

Hi Duncan,

Just spent a while looking through your diary which I found incredible. You are truly an inspiration to me and I will continue to read your diary for the forseable future.

Scott.

Morning Duncs,

Thanks for your lovely message and continuing support, you have played a massive part in my recovery, and it means a hell of a lot to me.

Yes that 3% is getting close now, but you know I don't count my chickens lol, one day at a time is the very best I can do.

Negativity plays a big part with this addiction, but so does positivity and feeling good, the addiction plays hard on that too, in fact any frame of mind we are in, it comes just out of the blue, it's a very determined Basxxard, but we are one step ahead because no matter how determined it is, we stay one step ahead by always being more determined to not place that one silly little bet.

Have a lovely gamble free day, whether at work or day off by winning of course in every way.

Sxxxxxxx

Morning diary.

Thanks for the kind words, a gift to share, the joy of recovery.

So yesterday I worked a straight 17 hours, a wedding to cater and a busy day ontop of it, when I got home around midnight I had lost the ability to function, so shower and bed, this morning I have woken mentally alive but physically hammered, the rain pours outside which selfishly I smiled at, we will have a quieter day because of it.

So today is grand national day, a day which was ingrained in my mind from a young age as a day when gambling was not an option, why? Because my own compulsive gambling father refused to gamble on the national branding it a lottery, a worthless event for any serious gambler!

There is true irony in those words, because the truth is those are the ramblings of an active gambling addict, someone who harbours a terrible secret.

But that is I know addictions greatest weapon to isolate the truth from the world, addiction compelled me to hide the ever deepening shame of the lies and deciept I cast to further fuel and fund my own addiction.

The lies grew, addiction deals up further more outlandish promises that commitment will eventually reward the relentless feeding of it.

I know today the utter futility of my feeding addiction.

To repeat the same action over and over expecting the outcome to change.

The mantra of my gambling life

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Change only occurs through ringing the change.

I understand that today, I understand why the national means nothing, because like every other gambling event the outcome on offer for this fella is bluntly brutal.

I no longer harbour the secret of my shortfalls, I am happy to share them with the world.

Because rather than the weakness addiction professed it would bring it simply gifts great power.

I have refused to arise until a fry up is ready !

Lol sarah replied ' no work for you today then! '

She brought me tea and toast and jam to bed instead, oh and Mr blue, the toast ninga!!!!

He can hear a toaster click from a mile away! And he knows the look that will melt the owner of said toast into sharing!!

Which I gladly did.

To one and all

The gift of recovery is on offer, please embrace it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thank you Duncan for your post.

What choice do we have but to change?
Cardboard box, prison, death.

I choose change. My way caused me & those around me so much pain over many years.
I choose change. The way i approached life never gave me the results i desired.
I choose change. Today i can look myself in the mirror & know i make a difference
I choose change. Because without it i have nothing.

Today i can change because just for today i did not gamble.

Abstain & maintain Duncan because if we dont we will not change

Dan

Morning diary.

Well yesterday was extremely busy, my body knows it today!

So I look down the barrel of a seven day week this week, the new chef is away with his wife and children so again I will pick up thesslack.

Still 39 days until my own holiday, so my mindset is strong.

Funny the new chef is another person who has been effected by gambling, something that today he tries in vain to control.

We had a good talk yesterday, he has attended the GA room, just once, the old clichГ© came out, ' I didn't have a problem like those folk' so he goes through periods of abstinence but sees gambling as a solution to financial struggles, that old nemesis the fobt his choice of gambling.

I pointed out that if he reevaluated the way he spends his hard earned the need to seek solution would disappear.

This my example.

You got a taxi to and from work all week, the round trip costing 13 quid a day, you worked six days that is 78 quid for the week, a bus ticket 18 quid a week or you could have bought a bike which costs nothing but effort each day, ontop of that you come every day with a can of energy drink, which you buy in the corner shop, buy a case in the supermarket.

We quickly worked out he could half his weekly outlay and the need to gamble wouldn't exist.

Will he take the advice? Will he bo#ll#ocks, I have walked in those shoes.

It is like winding my life back

Look like S***e, feel like S***e, live to work, not working to live.

I hope he will one day learn, seek another way, one which won't see his life as deeply effected as my own.

Lastly I said to him

'Every other sentence you say starts with I BET'

Why? Because gambling is ingrained into your mind, you accept it, it's normal to you.

I lived that way, my brain interested in one thing, gambling, formulating and everything else took second place.

I won't preach to the fella, I know the outcome, too I won't gloat at his losses or envy his wins.

Because I know what living a life as an active gambler is

The lonely, lifeless, uncaring, unrealistic, selfish, poisonous existence

One which tried in vain to kill me from inside.

Recovery has brought power to my mind, the fella who wants to live is now getting to embrace life, warts and all.

Right time to wander with my beloved wife and hounds before I head off to work.

Good for the soul, great for the resolve.

Abstain and maintain

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today.

Stepping forward never back

" will he listen, will he bollxx "

Another smile this remarkable Dunc's brings to these chops!!

I dof'd' my cap to you in your early days of recovery and now i bow to your selfless pursuit of recovery and in helping others.

Strength and honor to you and yours

Morning diary.

I was having an inner conversation with my rational mind and my addiction over the past few hours, I know that might sound off the chart but I today let the two debate things out.

So addiction takes the stand, starts off with a long winded speach about the fact I was born a gambler, that in life everyone gambles, that riding to work on the busy roads is a gamble, one without reward to boot, addiction waffled on that I am wasting my talent and missing out on happiness, the joy that gambling brought, it closed it's argument with a line, you can run but you won't stop me catching up with you, then you will join forces again.

The rational side just sat bemused, silently contemplating whether to dignify addiction with a response.

To which he did, taking the stand he countered that through relentlessly gambling, through a commitment to addiction that many things had been lost, that addiction had stolen countless opportunities of living just to satisfy it's own greed.

That being born a gambler may be true, maybe not but the man in question had gambled more than enough of his life to earn retirement from said affliction and that recovery was the 'pension' awarded for such relentless dedication to feeding addictions desire. That stating that cycling to work was actually a gamble is frankly a ridiculous argument, one which addiction had used to the point it is simply worn out.

Addiction would sight everything as a 'gamble' through this it just further cemented itself into the addicts brain.

Cycling is not a gamble, yes it carries risks but many things in life are factored by an eliment of risk and through education we can lower the risk factor.

So the rational side closed with, gambling is not a risk for this case it is nothing but a futile act, the outcome will only serve to feed addiction, it won't satisfy addiction, addiction will never be satisfied, put in black and white the event of a single punt will have devastating effects on the individual and I motion to arrest all further bets.

All through the rational side of my brains contribution to the debate addiction heckled, stomped his feet, got angry and threw the toys from his pram, each time, with each outburst the rational side just paused and smiled.

Addiction has skulded off back to the furthest recess of my mind, he will be back, I get that, accept his presence, but just before he left the forefront of my mind this morning I took the sign he hung around the little rational fellas neck and pinned it to his back.

It says 'MUG'

That little fella has never given up on me, f**k I self gifted him many a beating but he always stood by, today I understand why, funny because with victory he doesn't show arrogance, contempt towards the world in fact he wants to spread the joy of recovery, a life choice that gifts humility, honesty and above all a passion for living.

I am very proud to be able to see him grow, after all I tried to write him out of my mind to favour addiction.

Something I choose not to do, just for today.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today.

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

You hit the nail on the head with yesterdays post, I often say 'I bet' in general day to day conversation! I can't help myself, clearly its deeply ingrained into my head and maybe I should try harder not to say it.

Evening diary

Today I will write nothing more than please gift yourself by taking a few minutes to read Day@atime's thread.

Dan I salute you.

Recovery equals LIFE.

Embrace it, give it the same effort and time you did addiction, the profound effect is astronomical.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncan

Thank you for your kind words. The 12th step of the recovery program truely is the greatest gift recovery has to offer us. It is a pleasure to walk side by side with you my friend.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Dan

Morning diary.

Up with the larks this morning, visited the suppliers stocked up for another weekend that will be busy, also looking for inspiration as a menu change beckons, the warming, stomach filling winter dishes rarely ordered when the sun shines so they will all be replaced with more appropriate dishes, this year I am looking for dishes that are new to me, a good way of ensuring work remains a labour of love rather than a chore.

Recovery is like this for me, I have to relentlessly pursue it, educate myself through it and therefore enjoy the endless joy it gifts.

Had an appointment with the optician yesterday, my eyesight has deteriorated and the current glasses don't help a great deal.

The optician instantly when I sat down got me to cover my left eye with a paddle thing and asked what I could see?

The answer 'a cloud' I actually could not see the one big letter at the top of the chart, by all accounts my right eye has stopped working as it should, I have peripheral vision but no central focus, the fella is referring me to the hospital to get further tests done.

In the meantime my good eye the left one is working overtime and needs stronger lenses to do so, so I am looking for new frames and some sunglasses for our upcoming holiday as truthfully past ten feet I struggle to see much, lol I had a vision of us being on a boat trip and saying 'look over there' and requesting the captain moves closer to give me a chance to see it lol! !!

Off to work later, in the meantime I am having a chill out with my hounds.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Awake early again this morning, sleep came deep and peacefully, work was again very busy and I guess today will bring the same, not that you're hear me complaining, I have three hard days graft ahead then a day of r and r.

Addiction has retreated since it took a tongue bashing from my rational thinking earlier in the week, I am still staring at it, I will never lose sight of it's power to f**k my mind.

Right I am going to trawl the world wide web in search of menu idea's, the hounds are still sleeping peacefully as is my beloved wife

Before heading off to work we will all wander over the hi#ll, my sanctuary and the hounds hunting ground, all be it a futile one, lol long may that continue!!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Morning Duncs, I was just checking in to see what your plans were for the new menu 🙂 Looks like I'll have to be patient! I thought of you last night when we ventured out & the pub boasted their brand new menu, in that day, with most of the new dishes not available to order yet 🙂 I looked but couldn't persuade myself away from my old faithful pie that I have ordered on 4//6 visits (when the roast isn't available)!

Good to see that sly old f****r back in his place after what I imagine was a somewhat one-sided debate earlier in the week!

Keep reaping the fruits of your recovery - ODAAT