Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Afternoon diary.

Markman thanks for your kind words.

Fella recovery takes all the effort feeding my addiction and some, I am wholly committed to seeking change.

Gambling addiction made my mind become self centered, detached from society, ignorant, arrogant and aggressive.

In short I believed that the world owed me and my opinions and decisions were the Oracle

Funny because all I did was to succeed in damaging everything I touched, eventually folk would cross the road rather than listen to the bile I spilt from my mouth.

My family lived in fear of what I would do next.

Like a juggernaut I relentlessly pursued the next punt.

That is gambling addiction.

Today I can see it for what it is.

I am responsible for the manifestation of it, nobody else and I am wholly responsible for remaining in recovery.

Recovery is not a competition, there is no room for one upmanship.

Recovery is purely about creating the opportunity to bring change.

Once again I hope that everyone takes what is on offer.

Because the alternative is further self gifted destruction.

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler no bet today

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

Morning diary.

Two days left of our holiday, two more days to enjoy the wonderful company I am blessed to have by my side.

My wife is without doubt my best friend, through addiction I neglected to pay respect to that fact.

Together we share recovery, my opinion is she deserves it more than I do as like too many other good folk she is the innocent victim of the compulsion to gamble.

That I will never forget.

Good for my resolve.

I am blessed by the fact that her unconditional love and support has never faltered.

Today I salute you my beautiful wife and best friend and all the other innocent people caught up in this wholly destructive addiction.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Many thanks Duncan for yesterday's post Duncan. I can do no better than say thank you.

Please be aware that I accidentally flagged your post on my thread as abusive! (something had to make me smile and this did)

I will let Gamcare know!

Best

Mark

Morning diary.

Today we are homeward bound, I have a few more days off, tomorrow is our wedding anniversary, 13 years of marriage and ten years together before we got wed.

I have done some terrible heinous things in those years, acts that chill me to my core,but Sarah never wavered, faultered in her giving of her unconditional love and support.

Today things are different, honesty prevails, we share recovery and the beautiful things that are born from a commitment to it.

Arresting that next punt is not a punishment, recovery is not some sentence for my shortfalls, it's a gift.

Today I embrace it, today I seek to learn all I can from the opportunity it offers.

I still get things wrong, life throws up fresh sh#it but I am able to face what's ahead.

I have stopped running the other way.

It is possible to make change, that begins with the acceptance of living with addiction.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncan

Thanks for your support. I'm doing it through a book, it can be a bit isolating so appreciate the interest. I'm well up for it though, the idea of change is really exciting, more so than stopping gambling itself.

Hope your and your Mrs have a lovely day tomorrow.

Hi Duncs,

Hope you had a lovely anniversary over the weekend, and that your holiday has left you refreshed and reinvigorated. My holiday seems to be an absolute age away, the same as it does every year at this time. You continue to show me that there is the light at the end of the tunnel, and that beyond the self destruction and the silly hope of the big win, there is something else beyond it.

Cheers

Ryan

Morning diary

Thanks for all your kind words, they mean a great deal, I am truly humbled.

So today I return to work, a good couple of weeks off and I feel like I am starting a new job lol.

I am ready for the busy next few weeks and look forward to adding a few different elements to dishes through my learning's on my holiday. Sarah returned to work yesterday and I used my last day to fit new blinds in our conservatory, something that certainly wouldn't have happened during my gambling life.

The truth is I have learnt to actually read instructions, to take my time and prepare correctly, rather than just go gung ho and bemoan the fact that I had to do anything other than cook.

Dare I say it, but I actually enjoy diy,I find it therapeutic rather than a chore.

Our home has enjoyed recovery to i guess, I begrudged paying for anything that would steal 'gambling' money from my grubby little hands, ironic really as today I can clearly see that I was simply denying my family through a dedication to addiction.

I don't seek escape, I have learnt to face forward and challenge myself to change.

Depression still comes and goes, I have a far greater understanding of it today, unlike addiction I can't alter it's presence, but I know that living without the weight of addiction baring me down I can face the issue at hand.

I feel an overwhelming sense of wanting to fix the world through recovery, but know that to do so I have to tend first and foremost to my own island.

And the truth is its a pleasure to do so, I am a truly 'lucky' fellow, I have an amazing family whom equally want to enjoy life, a family who share their love unconditionally.

Today without being blinded by addiction I have the opportunity to do the same.

Recovery is not a punishment, it's something to behold.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Lovely post again Duncs,

Pleased to read you are back at work feeling refreshed and renewed.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Duncs,

Just to say - glad you are bk safe and sounds like holiday was one amazing time spent in the company of one and the only - Sarah 🙂

Proud of you and as always, walking alongside you..i might trip and fall, but i will always stand up and take those steps again. You are really inspiring soul and definitely are one of the reasons i keep standing bk up.. - recovery is possible...recovery = life and freedom!

Thank you for sharing dear friend

Sandra x

Evening diary.

Just in from work, a long day which started at just after five this morning, tomorrow I leave again just after six am.

I feel truly alive, I have returned to some of the team bemoaning the fact that they have had to put in some hard graft over the past few weeks in my absence and I have seen them all fade into the shadows upon my return, tomorrow I will out the issues and put an end to the petty comments.

The truth is I take a great deal of the workload on board myself,I find it difficult to delegate at times and find it easier to just get onwith tthings myself, this I know creates passenger's, who feel hard done by when they are expected to step up to the plate.

But recovery has taught me 'fairness' that there is always positive things to feed from, the newest recruit a shining example, his attitude is 'nothings a problem'

I embrace that and will seek it to be rewarded and from it respect will be gifted.

Addiction crept through the side door of my mind through the course of the day, the old there's a way to get more down time, easier ways to enjoy life addiction bleated in my ear, yada yada yada!!!

I have the t shirt, dvd,video and posters from dancing to you tune, and the news for you is my foe

I have found a way to live, truly live a life that never stops rewarding my efforts

That's recovery.

Addiction I thank you for putting my life in a position where I sought to do anything to end the self created misery that you brought.

My mind is focused on continuing making a choice to see you for what you are.

You want feeding for nothing in return.

Just for today I choose abstinence.

For it I have been rewarded in ways no punt ever could.

I am honoured to have found it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Evening diary

Well another day's hard graft over, a most forfilling day, I spoke to the brigade and laid out my feelings on how things are and how we can improve our futures. Funny because the chef who has spent two weeks of my absence sounding off to anyone who wouldhear it lost his vvoice today, I don't think that he appreciates the respect I have earned and at best seemed embarrassed by his actions.

Funny because I have seen many like him come and go over the years, none have left a positive impact on anyone's lives.

Last year I endured 'Mike' and the truth is without recovery my reaction would have been wholly different, because I had a wall I hid behind, I was so ashamed of the life I hid from the world I sought to please everyone, and tolerated some folk who were unpleasant at best.

The result was I sought to withdraw from the world even further, addiction, active addiction is an ever decreasing circle.

I love recovery, it really is like peeling the layers off an onion, yes there's tears along the way, but more are through joy.

On a plus we have set up a new breakfast menu and the owner was wholly impressed with my American pancakes.

Not for me, lol the diet continues!

Tomorrow another long day beckons, I hope that this rain relents in time for me to cycle in.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

As always, another lovely post Duncs,

Thanks for sharing,

Suzanne xxx

Keep up the good work dunc,

Have a good day

Mba

Morning diary.

Yesterday I had a day off, a day in which I simply got to enjoy my life.

Walking the hounds with Joe,we had a really good talk, I pottered around the garden, tended to the plants and fruit tree's, a good crop on the way. Callum returned from his exam and the three of us enjoyed lunch, then a roast for supper and some cherry pies made for us to enjoy.

An evening walk with the hounds across the top of the city to polish the day off.

No matter how much addiction tried to sidle up to my brain with it's quest to get me to pay attention to the horse racing event taking place this week it was left dumbfounded, again it lurched off to the duldrums of my inner mind to sulk and no doubt plan it's next assault on my mind.

I know it will never let go, relinquish it's place in my life, through acceptance of its presence I weaken it's ability to have any effect.

I know it's true that stopping gambling is relatively easy, often circumstances meant that during my active gambling life meant I would be unable to gamble, addiction happily laid dormant until such a time when it could manifest itself and create an itch that I willingly would scratch.

So today I fully understand the effort it takes to accomplish the greatest feat

To stop gambling and stay stopped.

For me that came with the acceptance of who I am and most importantly who I want to be.

The active arrogant, ignorant, aggressive, bitter, twisted, stealing, lying cheat of a man that is my life whilst gambling.

Or the recovering compulsive gambler, the fella who seeks to face their own demons, stand to be counted, willing to share and most importantly learn, recovery is like a sponge, it just wants to suck it all up.

Both are selfish acts,they both have to have a commitment, an all or nothing approach.

Which I choose?

Well just for today

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler, no bet today.

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

duncanmac wrote:

Morning diary.

Yesterday I had a day off, a day in which I simply got to enjoy my life.

Walking the hounds with Joe,we had a really good talk, I pottered around the garden, tended to the plants and fruit tree's, a good crop on the way. Callum returned from his exam and the three of us enjoyed lunch, then a roast for supper and some cherry pies made for us to enjoy.

An evening walk with the hounds across the top of the city to polish the day off.

No matter how much addiction tried to sidle up to my brain with it's quest to get me to pay attention to the horse racing event taking place this week it was left dumbfounded, again it lurched off to the duldrums of my inner mind to sulk and no doubt plan it's next assault on my mind.

I know it will never let go, relinquish it's place in my life, through acceptance of its presence I weaken it's ability to have any effect.

I know it's true that stopping gambling is relatively easy, often circumstances meant that during my active gambling life meant I would be unable to gamble, addiction happily laid dormant until such a time when it could manifest itself and create an itch that I willingly would scratch.

So today I fully understand the effort it takes to accomplish the greatest feat

To stop gambling and stay stopped.

For me that came with the acceptance of who I am and most importantly who I want to be.

The active arrogant, ignorant, aggressive, bitter, twisted, stealing, lying cheat of a man that is my life whilst gambling.

Or the recovering compulsive gambler, the fella who seeks to face their own demons, stand to be counted, willing to share and most importantly learn, recovery is like a sponge, it just wants to suck it all up.

Both are selfish acts,they both have to have a commitment, an all or nothing approach.

Which I choose?

Well just for today

My name is Duncan McQuilken I am a recovering compulsive gambler, no bet today.

Abstain and maintain

Stepping forward never back.

You don't get served Cherry Pies in the bookies do you?

Well done on your continued efforts and support to all

thanks tri