Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Duncs!!

Diary: That post from duncs really lifted my spirits. Home from work. I'm tired. Carpenter ants are attacking our home. Lol. Exterminator is scheduled to come on Wednesday to the tune of 400 bucks. But, you know what? We have it. Had we been gambling that would have been the end of the world. So, again, the usual stressors of everyday life going off like fire crackers around my head but, the difference today is; I don't have to get all flaked out about it. One day at a time peeps -- one day at a time... Steak for dinner. 😀 -joanxxxx

Diary: Many weeks have passed since our last weekend stint. Weekends come and weekends go now without incident. Flickers of an urge now and then when the weekend starts. Out of habit I imagine. We will not succumb to those little urges because we now know that we cannot ever go. There are no harmless jaunts to the casino. Stress factors will enter the picture as they always have. That, I imagine is living as an adult in an adult world. Working people have to work to make money. Money to buy the needful things and maybe an occasional desired item. P and I are not displaced princesses who lost our fortunes to marauding thieves. We ran away from our responsibilities and caved into the day to day stress that most folks our age manage to weather. We ran to gambling as a means to escape and managed to lose everything that we earned each week. When that wasn't enough we borrowed tens of thousands in cash credit at a 29+ % interest rate. Now we are paying all of that money back and are unable to save anything for the future until we do. Today, I fully understand some of Rach's rants and I am ashamed to think that there were times when I reacted in anger. The families/partners of gambling addicts have every right to be hurt and upset... As for occasional boredom? Now that I am no longer running on the false high of rampant dopamine day to day life is what it is. It is not boring. There is always something. Always challenges. Plenty of drama. Enough for me now. Life was not meant to be one long continuous summer day. So, onwards -- One day at a time and steady as she goes. -joanxxx

Hey sister,

What a powerful and true post!!! Real inpiration, and maybe a little gloom reality, but it is certainly reality.

Sun goes up and down, and then we are left in a dark, we have to navigate through concentrating on that little light ahead...there is always some sun rays with us...inside us girl, and you my dear friend doing d**n good job finding ur way ahead.

I am proud of you two, I give my respect to you two and I wish continued abstinence for to reach that bigger ray of sunshine to both of you, because you are sooo worth it!!!

Keep it up girls

Nice and steady, day at a time

Have a lovely and safe weekend

((( J ))) ((( P )))

S x

Thanks Sis!!

Diary: I had to laugh reading Captain's post on Dunc's diary today. I am not sure why it is necessary to defend gambling as a favorite past time or harmless hobby on a site that was established for the purpose of supporting the recovery of problem/compulsive gamblers and their families. I don't think it is. I do not believe I should feel compelled to acknowledge gambling as a safe enjoyable hobby. Why the eff would I do that? Lol. That sounds like a commercial with a not too subliminal message in it. Anyway, I along with Duncs just had to laugh and comment because it's just plain silly. Gambling is a waste of time, and money and that is the least of our worries. Gambling robs us of our families, our jobs, and our souls. Oh, should I have said "compulsive gambling" as to not insult all of the happy clappy free citizens of Sin City out there? They don't give a rip about me. LOL. They don't have a diary on this forum! Sorry, but, I had to bite...

So, anyway, back to today... We have lots to do around the house. It's a balmy 50 degrees out and the sun is shining so need to get out in it even if to just take out the trash and pick up the yard. I might ask P out for a cuppa at the lake. One thing I wont be wasting my time on today, and that is gambling a cent of my hard earned money for an artificial momentary thrill. That by the way, may not even happen. I cant even count how many times I had walked away from a casino in tears b/c I spent every dime I had to "get off" and nothing happened... A waste of time, and a rip off! -joanxxxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IeOrhnmA94

hi Judy

I have just read a little of your diary however I will read it in full later but I just had to say I laughed out loud at your "happy clappy" statement. Thanks very much and I too am in the gambling is a monumental waste of time camp.

Linda

Thanks for popping by Linda. I'm glad I could raise a smile!

Diary: I just woke up to a gorgeous sunrise. I can see it from my window -- rising up over the lake. It looks like its going to be another beauty. Not much planned today. Trying to sort out some feelings I have been having lately about boredom. I'm not sure if I am bored or just coming down. Gambling especially the kind I was into really messes with the brain chemistry relatively quickly. It could be that I am just trying to normalize. During the work week there is plenty of drama to keep my mind occupied. So much that I cannot wait for the weekend to start. Then, the weekend comes and its sort of lack luster.. Not sure what I expected to happen if I didn't get involved or made it happen somehow. We have recently pulled back on regularly scheduled visits to a friends place on Saturdays because we find her constant negativity a drain. This gives P more time to get some of her household chores done on Saturday. Now we have Sundays relatively free. Free. Maybe that scares me a little. Maybe that shines a light on something that I don't want to look at. Maybe I have gotten dull and tired. Maybe it's time to get my a**e up and out even if for a short walk. I am not a runner... it's so funny because as I write these words I can feel my upper lip curling upwards followed by a heavy sigh. I really hate even talking about exercise... lol. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So true. Life is not boring. I am more than likely coming down and feeling the effects of normalcy. I am dull and need to brighten up. P said, she read a poster the other day that said something like if we all stood in a circle and tossed our problems into the middle we would all be scrambling to get our own problems back. I thought that was so funny and yet so true. I would rather have "my problems" than someone else's. I am going to make an effort to mope less. I am not going to spend any of my time or money gambling today that's for sure. One day at a time. One step at a time. -joanxxx

Hi Judy... I better not write about my 9 mile run had I ? 😉

The come down from gambling is a very real phenomenon I think, especially from the machines which like you say play havoc with the hormones. Take the gambling away and it does take time to normalise and also to fill that gambling shaped void. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of it.

I think if I tossed my problems into the middle I wouldn't scramble to get them back... I'd just run away! lol

As with you I am going to try and mope less. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Diary: The work week for me starts tomorrow. I am trying not to let the pre work jitters overwhelm me. I have to learn or relearn that day to day living is a stream of inevitable struggles and challenges. I have complete control over my outlook and that's about it. The rest is what it is or will be. Que sera sera... I will not react by gambling. The only thing gambling ever did for me was offer a temporary escape over 10 years ago. Once I got hooked it was a whole different ballgame. It was about total immersion of my head up my b**t. Nothing or no one else mattered. We are all individuals and each to our own favorite wastes of time. Regardless of what "it" is; it's all fun and games until we lose ourselves in "it". Please dear reader take what you want and leave the rest. I write for me. To clear my head. Peace. -joanxxxx

Especially for you and P

http://youtu.be/MtN1YnoL46Q

there that's another three minutes you wasted but didn't spend gambling, hooray.

Hopefully getting back to 'normality' again later this week. I think you are doing amazingly well (oh dear I don't mean its amazing you are doing well) and makes me feel if you can overcome with all your sadness, frustrations and problems over the past year there is hope for me yet as I still seem to take a tumble every couple of months.

Waving semaphore flags spelling 'hugs'.

xxx

Thanks Dragonfly!! Loved it!! And, always appreciate the hugs.. Right back at you. ((((DF))))

Diary: 🙂 sigh... Still standing. Not gambling. Doing just fine. I'm thinking 65 days now.. not too shabby.. -joanxxxx

joan

Such a warm feeling you gift when you write those words

'not gambling'

keep making the right choice my friend.

I hope the weather has improved over the pond, we I believe have snow forecast for tomorrow!!!

mind you nothing like the snow you experienced I am sure!!

be proud you earnt it!!

Duncs stepping forward never back

Morning Diary: I am struggling with attitude this morning and then read Dunc's and a few other posts and find myself properly humbled. I have to work on this feeling of entitlement whereby I almost automatically expect everything to just work out MY WAY. Life just doesn't work that way and although I know that there is somewhere inside of me or a part of me that sometimes slips back into this kind of thinking. Anyway, the other piece I need to constantly work on is attachment. I need to practice letting go. I latch on and hold on for dear life. Letting go and fear are one and the same for me. I have very deep seeded trust issues. Today, I have a clearer understanding of what lies at the bottom of my thought process. The poor choices I have made have a lot to do with not thinking things all the way through. Reacting first. Whatever "it" is today, I know that I do not need to gamble about it. One step at a time. One day at a time. -joanxxxx

Still thinking... this time about something Dragonfly wrote about my progress around abstinence in spite of the bad times last year. That got me thinking about Ed and how I have oftentimes have felt such deep survivor's guilt. Both of us addicts. Why did he die. Why am I still here? Choices. Choices he made. He had family, wive(s). He had children. He had grandchildren. Yet, to hear him talk he was all alone. Ed and I were a lot alike but, very different. He was entitled to his own thoughts and beliefs. He acted accordingly. He made choices. I cannot go on feeling guilty for surviving. I love this life. It has not always been sweet. On the contrary. But, the constants like the sky, the ocean, the day and nighttime. The sunrises and sunsets. The seasons. These things I have been able to depend on. So beautiful. I guess when I think about Ed no longer being here to enjoy these things it makes me feel sad and sorry. Oh well. On with it I suppose.. -joan

Hi Joan,

I am sorry if I triggered sad thoughts for you but however we achieve it I do feel we are survivors whether that be due to circumstances, strength of will or some other factor.

Interesting reading what you say about reacting as I was only thinking that last night as I had written a reactive e mail to a complete idiot at work the other day and then felt the need to apologise, not for what I said but the way I said it and have been trying to be less quick to respond to everything and think things through more. Difficult as I don't want to dilute my responses so have to think much deeper about why I respond as I do and the effects of my own thoughts. Think that is also why I have been writing less on this forum as self editing at times but do miss some of the more interesting debates of last year.

Hope the coming weekend is another good one.

xxx